I just keep digging a deeper hole... :(

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and have been married for 2. He had been very forgiving and patient with my inattentive and random behavior for years. However, things started to change 3 or 4 years ago. He is getting tired of being my "parent" when what he needs is a supportive partner. I have long suspected that I have ADD and have just recently began researching it and have scheduled to discuss my possible diagnosis and treatment with my psychologist and psychiatrist. Putting myself on the right path and being proactive for myself isn't going to help how my husband feels. He's made it very clear that I have been bad to him and do not care. He wants me to address his feelings in the appropriate way, which is without him guiding me through the conversation. I get so confused and anxious whenever I need to talk to him about this. I really don't know what I'm doing, and whatever I choose to do just makes him more upset. We have been having the same argument for these 3-4 years, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out what to do.

Any advice people may have is welcome! Just note that my husband is resistant to therapy and believes that it will be ineffective and a waist of his time.

Thank you in advance!
-Dr. Panda

Oh wow it sounds just like me. No really we have been having the same argument for years as well."He wants me to address his feelings in the appropriate way, which is without him guiding me through the conversation" I have heard this who knows how many times. It sucks when you fell like you try so hard and yet what come out of your mouth seems to make it worse. I think you husband may be resistive to therapy maybe because he fears that it will be turned into him being the "bad" guy. Cause I had the same problem with my husband. I had always thought when you get married you try and try together and help the other person no matter what. The reality of it is the guys need there emotions addressed too, mine is super emotional we couldn't be any worse of a match. Cause I am the worst at "fixing" his emotions. I think we all have our breaking points too when we have had enough. Try typing each other messages, this helps me cause it takes the emotion out of it. I also did so online searching about how to communicate-that helped some too. And last if you want help get it. Without him. If he decides latter to get help too good for him. I have not been wanting to get help cause it makes me feel like I cannot do it myself. But I am starting to change my mind. It is my life, my health and if my husband who is also saying he wants to leave decides to walk this path with me or not I have to take care of myself before I can help anyone else. I don't know if any of this helps. It helps me to know you, to know I am NOT alone in this.

Hello, Dr. Panda. Doing what you can for yourself is good. I suspect your husband likes having what he perceives to be the upper hand at your expense.

You sound pretty coherent here. Is he invalidating you? There is some info on invalidation on this site, do a search on it. It's when someone says you have to be perfect before you can talk to them about anything. And you sound perfectly fine to me, so you go, girl!

I think Byz nailed it.

I also wonder what came first, your ADD or his acting as a parent.

I recently went through a very unfocused period in my life, when I could not remember a thing, starting things and dropping, unable to manage a simple thing like paying my bills on time, or dealing with returns of purchases that broke, or even getting car to the maintenance. There was a cause for this lack of focus, it was not physiological yet, but who knows where I would have landed if I had someone along who wanted to play a role of a big daddy.

Stop beating yourself up.
And argument that a couple is having for 3-4 years could use couples counseling. It's not all your fault, hon, takes 2 to tango.

Yes; our situations do sound similar. It's difficult for me to deal with because I don't think I'm necessarily a bad person, but it ends up feeling that way a lot of the time. I'm glad that I'm not the only one either. I would hate to think that I am alone in any of the random hardships one might encounter in life.

Thanks for the comments. I've been seeking help and any sort of information on bettering my communication skills. It all comes down to me being a non-starter, being hyper-sensitive to criticism, and being easily demotivated. :P Best of luck to you with your relationship.

Sorry for the excessive replies... I'm still getting used to this site. :P

Byz/Sunna: My husband actually despises being "dad." I have been a person that defers to others all my life. It was how I was raised, and how I have always been in my relationships. His complaint is that I have been forcing him to make all my decisions from my inaction and inattentiveness and am, therefore, making him live my life for me. He really wants me to be more independent and a stable partner so that we function more as a team.

Hankster: Sometimes I feel that he is invalidating me, but I think I am just being sensitive to his upset feelings. When things aren't so heated and in-the-moment, my husband acknowledges that I have my own problems (i.e. ADD, anxiety) and that I need time to address them. He is a reasonable person in all this, but I suppose being in a relationship where you don't feel the other person doesn't care about you gets pretty defeating. Neither of us want to give up on this. I just need to get some outside perspective on all this at times.

I appreciate the compliment about being coherent. I know that I am actually much more eloquent and thoughtful when I write rather than when I speak. My emails with my husband have gone a lot better than actual face-to-face conversations. One of my friends suggested using more text communication, but sometimes it's not feasible for the situation.

Thank you all for your concern and your comments! I'm willing to further describe the relationship if there are still some muddy areas.