Parents Interfering In My Relationship

Hi guys

This was actually going to be part of my reply on another thread but I decided to make it a separate thread because I have some questions and concerns over it. My parents are annoying the **** out of me which isn’t new because they do it all the time but I’ve basically had enough of them sticking their noises into my life. They were never there for me when Jessica passed away and to this day I still think the only real family I had was Jessica. They only get concerned when things involve them especially my Mother who is obsessed over her ‘public’ image.

I am twenty four and I am thinking very seriously of never talking to them again when I move out soon because I’ve had enough. I moved out for two years and lived with Rachel up until she died and then I moved back in with them because I was depressed and didn’t want to be alone. At the time I think it was a good idea but now I very much regret it. My Fiancée (Mandy) knows about the issues I am having with them and fully understands. She thinks my parents are pathetic and let me down one too many times when I needed them. They have always been good providers but that’s about it.

My parents dislike Mandy and have for quite some time now. They often criticise her (especially my Mother) when she is not around but act very pleasant when she is talking to them. They disliked Rachel too due to the fact she was a lesbian and I didn’t talk to them for a long time when I moved out and lived with her. I’m sick and tired of them putting Mandy down. From the moment we got together they were worried about their image and they way the rest of my family would see them because she broke up with my cousin to be with me. They complain about the age difference and my Mother doesn’t like the fact she can’t cook (use an oven), iron, wash or clean.

That doesn’t bother me though as I can do all those things and I am independent. Mandy can relate to this as she has problems with her parents too. They fight very often and as I mentioned on an earlier thread her Mother has bruises on her arms caused by Mandy’s Father. Mandy thinks when we leave I should never talk to them again but I don’t know if that is the right decision. As much as I dislike them for everything they have done or not done for me over the years they are still my parents and I don’t know what to do. Has anybody else had these problems and what do you think is the best solution?

I think once you are on your own things will be better between you and your parents. They won't know what's going on in your life everyday unless you tell them.

I don't think it is wise to cut off communciation with them. You would regret this later in life. When you have your own children you will be able to see why your parents may have acted like they do. Give it time.

One of present day spiritual guides said : "if you think you are so enlightened, go live with your parents for a week". It is rare parents that know when to give up the idea that they know better what's good for us and stop trying to manipulate us. On our part we respond to this from our ego, and a battle is joined.

There is nothing you can do to make them stop thinking the way they are thinking. You can see your mother's ego quite clearly. But you may also know that she can't help it. Allowing some compassion may help you deal with it in a more peaceful way, which in turn may diffuse her charge a little. I agree though that putting some space between her and you should help, and I hope you do not have to resort to completely cutting off ties. To hold such a grudge would not serve you.

I am glad to hear than Mandy is understanding and I hope you can help soften the bite of the criticisms. Make sure she knows that you are not bothered by her lack of household skills, that you do not require this of her, no matter what she may be hearing (your mom is not the only person in the world with very definite ideas of what a woman ought to do) These things, if and when she wants, can be all learned, and doing things together, can be a great way to bring you two closer.