[DivorcedWoman]

I have written a ton of posts regarding the relationship with my boyfriend so I'm not going to rehash everything here, but to suffice it to say it has been a very rocky road.

I'm not very good at ending things, but it appears to me that is the route I should go and all my friends and family are suggesting that's what I should do and that there is no future in the relationship.

I'm to the point that I actually feel numb about the whole relationship. It's bothering me that I'm keeping my feelings to myself and I feel a bit guilty, but I haven't had success in sharing any of my feelings with him in the past. He always says I blow things out of proportion, it's not true, etc. I even wrote him a letter about things and that was not successful. He just got mad and never brought it up again.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to know it's over and how to end it? He has an 8 year old daughter and I have a 7 year old son involved as well so it makes it a bit more difficult.

[popeye]

Just do it....if you are unhappy in the relationship it is time to end it.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by DivorcedWoman

He always says I blow things out of proportion, it's not true, etc. I even wrote him a letter about things and that was not successful. He just got mad and never brought it up again.

If there is no communication at all, it's time to end it. What is the point of not doing so? Tell him he cannot ignore his way around your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and he can either discuss the relationship with you or be left mad and unable to bring it up again because you will be gone.

I got my husband's attention one day like that; started describing my "future" life, where I would be living and what I'd be doing and after a moment he asked, puzzled, "where will I be?" and I explained he'd be dead from his smoking. He immediately wailed, "But I don't want to be dead!" (but has yet to quit smoking).

Figure out what you want and make it known; he can't make it go away because it is what you want and are willing to make happen. Don't talk about him and what he has to do, what's right/wrong with him, etc., just explain what you want and are going after. . . he can go along with you, or not, his choice.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agee with Perna -- it sounds like you're in this relationship alone! He's not contributing much to it -- obviously he's not working on it if he won't even talk! If you stay, all you'll get is more of the same, and that's not fair to you or your child.

And since you're "numb" about it, the "love' must have died along with the relationship. You deserve to have someone who puts as much into this as you do .

Explain to your child that sometimes things just don't go the way we want them to, but "so and so" is still a good person. You don't want to mean-mouth this guy to your child. Just tell him that you both decided not to stay together. Children are very resilient -- so your son should be okay.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[sunrise]

I am going to recommend a great little book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Withholding communication is a form of verbal abuse, so at first glance, that book might not seem to apply to your situation. I found it incredibly useful, though, in understanding that my marriage was not healthy; that, at the book says "one person cannot create intimacy in a relationship"; and in knowing that it was time to move on. The book can be pretty hard to read if one is not ready to face hard facts about one's relationship. (It was hard for me.)

Originally Posted by DivorcedWoman

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to know it's over

Here is an excerpt from that book:
Questions that may help you evaluate the quality of your relationship (and whether there is hope for improvement):
--Does your mate enrich your life?
--Does he bring you joy?
--Do you feel a real connection to him?
--Do you think in the same way and share the same dreams?
--Does he show goodwill?

For myself, my answer to all of those was "no". It was really hard to face that but yeah, that is the way it was.

You also asked how to end it. Just be honest with him that you would like to end the relationship. If he asks why, tell him, but don't argue about it. You have needs and they can't be argued away. If he believes you ask too much of him or are overreacting, then it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you either. You can emphasize your desire to do this in a way that doesn't harm the children. Hopefully he can get on board with that. My former husband and I divorced very civilly and are very cooperative today in our co-parenting. Our children our thriving. It is very healthy for them to see that their parents get along.

Good luck.