[sage10]

I am 27, newly divorced, and a single mom of 2 small kids. I work and go to school full time. I left my husband because I put up with his verbal abuse,for 2years miserably,until one night he got physical and threw me against a wall. The next day the kids and I were gone. I filed for divorce 2months later.
6 months later I stayed away from men. Kinda wanted to heal from everything, and knew I wasnt ready for any type of relationship.
Well spring rolls around and I met a guy that was GREAT...at first. He was so different than anyone else I had ever met, but he never let his guard down. He did admit to me that he had emotional issues. And that he had to take 2 different antidepressants and one major anti-anxiety drug ...on a daily basis. He flat out told me:"Im broken" for some reason I was attracted to this? At first he came off as shy, sweet, intelligent, and just needed someone to make him secure to have him come out of his shell. I noticed "red flags " right off the bat. Like his obsessive gambling, arrogance, and the fact he preaches that he "respected" me but yet he cant hold a door open for me? Not to mention he has maybe taken me to dinner twice, and any other time...I paid for it. I HATE typing this . Because I feel SOOOO used. He isnt affectionate towards me at all... Like he wants me to go EVERYWHERE with him, but to get him to hold my hand, kiss me on the cheek, HUG me even...is like pulling Teeth! He says Im way to insecure , that I should just KNOW were together is good enough... WHAT?! yeah, I get that part, but I want to feel appreaciated,and wanted at the same time. If I bring this up, I "debate" too much and (like right now) he says he'll call me "sometime" and I dont hear from him all day. The sad part is I KNOW how much I have to offer to a relationship...and Im not a ugly girl. So why am I putting up with this?

[coalboilermn]

I have the opposite issue. I am super affectionate and love to hold a girl up as my queen. Yet the girls I try to go out with don't want this. They want to be "independent" and I hate that. I would love to be with a woman like what you describe. There are very few of us out there in the world. My question to you is, Are you really unhappy with him? Some women ( and don't want in any way to hurt you, or call you out) but some women like to have a man they have to stay on, and can't count on. I will never understand that as long as I live.
As for the affection thing. some people were never raised to be comfortable with being affectionate. Again, I don't agree. When I was dating, I was proud of my girl, and kissed and held her every chance I got. I always wanted her. but that is my problem. I fall to deep and get hurt. Hang in there Sage10, Maybe his not what you need. Your still young, and there are plenty of men out there. You will find what your looking for. Dating is not easy. it is very hard. That is why I have pretty much given up.
Bryan

[Sunna]

Thanks you for sharing this. Reminds me of my relationship that was as unsatisfying, and I was hearing some of the similar pronouncements and yet I hanged on, and on growing more and more dissatisfied and yet unable to walk away.

As to why you are putting up with it, I really do not know. Logically it makes no sense, right? Could it be fear that if you break up with him, you may not find someone better? After your experiences it may be hard to have faith in male species. Do you hold some hope that if you love him you can patch up the problems in the relationship? Or maybe you were attracted to his brokenness the way a little girl is attracted to a bird with a broken wing, hoping that her love can heal the little thing and it will fly again.

[sage10]

Originally Posted by coalboilermn

I have the opposite issue. I am super affectionate and love to hold a girl up as my queen. Yet the girls I try to go out with don't want this. They want to be "independent" and I hate that. I would love to be with a woman like what you describe. There are very few of us out there in the world. My question to you is, Are you really unhappy with him? Some women ( and don't want in any way to hurt you, or call you out) but some women like to have a man they have to stay on, and can't count on. I will never understand that as long as I live.
As for the affection thing. some people were never raised to be comfortable with being affectionate. Again, I don't agree. When I was dating, I was proud of my girl, and kissed and held her every chance I got. I always wanted her. but that is my problem. I fall to deep and get hurt. Hang in there Sage10, Maybe his not what you need. Your still young, and there are plenty of men out there. You will find what your looking for. Dating is not easy. it is very hard. That is why I have pretty much given up.
Bryan

I can def. say that Im not sticking around because I cant count on him...
and yeah, I understand the whole affectionate thing(I grew up in a strict household) But Im not used to feeling like I have to CONSTANTLY throw mtself at him for him to notice me...! My past relationships always made me feel wanted to the point I had to GET SPACE from them... I dont get it. We had a major blow up yesterday, and it was twisted into all my fault. He said I argue too much?! WHAT? ok, I know that sometimes I can always seem to have my gloves on, but its hard to get out of when all you remember how to do in a relationship is defend yourself.

[sage10]

Originally Posted by Sunna

Thanks you for sharing this. Reminds me of my relationship that was as unsatisfying, and I was hearing some of the similar pronouncements and yet I hanged on, and on growing more and more dissatisfied and yet unable to walk away.

As to why you are putting up with it, I really do not know. Logically it makes no sense, right? Could it be fear that if you break up with him, you may not find someone better? After your experiences it may be hard to have faith in male species. Do you hold some hope that if you love him you can patch up the problems in the relationship? Or maybe you were attracted to his brokenness the way a little girl is attracted to a bird with a broken wing, hoping that her love can heal the little thing and it will fly again.

No... what it is,is that I dont like feeling alone. which is NO exscuse. Ive heard the inner dialouge in my head ...and talked to close friends... One friend made a valid point. I like the person I know he CAN be, NOT who he is.which is wrong. I cant change him...nor would I want too... I guess I wanted to help. To show him that life isnt as dark as he thinks it is. But he wont let me in...so what do I do? I dont want to give up, but I want us to BOTH be happy. Im just gonna leave it alone...cause fixing it only seems to be making it worse.

[coalboilermn]

Sage10, Sorry I have taken so long to respond, This week has been busy and long at work and I have not been on line much. It is not healthy to be in a relationship where you are always on the defense. That wears you down mentally and physically. It will age you, as well as give you a bad view of life and others. Watch out if you try to leave. Guilt trips will be thrown in your face. You will be the one who would not work things out with him. You will be the one who "turned on him" in a time of need. It is easy to say just ignore him...But when you are the one in the relationship, it won't be easy to remember that he is drawing desperate straws to keep you. Do know that no matter how tough he acts, He will be hurt. relationships are the greatest thing in your life when they start, and the worst when things go wrong.
You should not at all have to throw your self at a man to get his attention. You should be the center of his attention. And in return, you should hold him up. But it takes two to make it work. One can't do it all, and the other nothing and expect the relationship to live. It just don't work. I wish you much luck in what ever you decide to do. But your right, you both need to be happy. Not just him.
As to fixing him......He is the only one who can make up his mind that he needs to change his outlook. No matter what you do or say, you can't fix him. You can either put up with it knowing that some time, someday he will change.( could be years, could be next week) but the one thing for sure....You won't be the one to change it. He might fake it if you threaten to leave, but It will resurface eventually until he decides to let it go.
Bryan

[stillhurting11]

You and your childern have already been through a rough situation once do you really want to put them or yourself through that again. I listened to my ex husband telling me for years that he would change. That he would stop all the drinking and the abuse well after 3 years of putting up with it and walking on egg shells, I finally had enough and divorced him. When I first met him he was wonderful, polite and would always put me first and we had a great relationship, almost a fairy tale. Then he began drinking and he turned into a monster, I begged and pleaded with him for years to get help with his drinking, but he wouldn't. That told me that his drinking was more important than our relationship. I think that I stayed with him for so long because I knew the person he could be because he was that person for so many years at the beginning. You have to learn to put yourself first, because it you are not happy than you can never make any one else happy. I know it is hard to put yourself first when you are a mother, but if you don't then your children will never know the real you. Hang in there and be strong for yourself and your children. You deserve so much better.
stillhurting11

[missbelle]

Ah, you put up with it because its probably familiar...maybe like your ex.....we lean towards things we are familiar with even if they are bad.....we know what we can expect.

Time now to find out who you are and for you to get well so you don't attract the same kind of guys. I have been there...done that. It means getting well, getting therapy, and finding out the "why' of your attraction to someone like that. It means being alone till you are well to enjoy a healthy relationship that you deserve!!

Hugs;

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by coalboilermn

He is the only one who can make up his mind that he needs to change his outlook. No matter what you do or say, you can't fix him.
Bryan

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