[sidony]

Okay I'm re-entering the dating world. Been out for quite some time and was never very good at it. My question: What's the proper etiquette for breaking things off if you've been on several dates but don't want to go out again?

I ask because I recently had 3 dates with a guy, and they were all fantastic. I really enjoyed his company. But he didn't call again after the 3rd one. I had sent him a short Facebook message after Date 3 thanking him for the date. Several days later I sent a quick message asking if he were interested in getting together again the following weekend. He didn't respond to either of those. Finally a week later I texted him and asked if he wanted to meet for happy hour. I thought the text would be a chance for him to just say so if he weren't interested in ever meeting again. He did respond to that but only to say that he had to work late and that he might be free on Sunday but wasn't sure yet. I responded and just said stay in touch if you'd like to get together again and I really enjoyed our past date.

I'm guessing that the unresponsiveness means that he doesn't want to go out again. Should I expect him to say so? Or is the norm nowadays just not to respond? I get that that's less awkward than outright saying that you don't want to go out again, but isn't it kind of mean?

This is a real question. Do you say so if you're not interested after 3 dates or just don't return messages?

I'm not sure what's worse. Obviously, I won't call him again if he doesn't respond to me, but it does leave me hanging a bit and wondering. But on the other hand, it's not very fun to have someone tell you they're not interested, so maybe this is easier.

Is there a "rule"?

Thanks,
Sidony (not much of a player)

[beautifultea]

I don't think there really is a "rule". The polite thing is obviously for him to have say I had a great time but i don't see this leading anywhere but it seems some people just like to let things peter out. I don't date much (or at all lately) but from boards I hang out on this question comes up a lot more lately.

I think some people are afraid of rejecting other people. Of seeming harsh or hard. Not wanting to hurt the other person so they try to ignore the whole thing and hope the person gets the message. I know I struggle with finding the words when I'm just not into that person. I tend to lean towards proper etiquette being to tell the person so they can move on and focus on finding something else.

Sorry it didn't (or appears to not) work out for you. Here's to other fish in the sea
Robin

[sidony]

Thanks Robin, and I like your toast there at the end. :-)

I really don't know which one is best. I think when it's me doing the rejection, if it's been 3 dates or so I'll wait 'til they contact me and just send a brief note. I'll say I enjoyed their company but have decided I don't really want to date. Or maybe that I think we're not quite the right match. Or something to that effect. (Suggestions anyone?)

Heck, maybe he's right and it's better to say nothing (?). I can't think of a good way to word that without its being a big letdown. On the other hand, when it happened to me just now, I also felt like I was pretty worthless if I didn't even deserve a response to say no-interest. Like a "you're not even worth responding to" kind of deal. But I realize I shouldn't interpret it that way.

Dating sux.
Sidony

[beautifultea]

I think near everyone feels that way tho when you are left hanging especially with someone you find yourself into. It is disrespectful and blows the self esteem no matter how great it may be.

I'm the same way. If I'm going to be dumped tell me but when I have to break it off with someone else I want to run away and hide. I've used the "we're not quite the right match" along with saying something positive about the dates. Like I enjoyed the company but I just don't see it going anywhere and I wish them luck. This seems to be the standard thing in regards to on-line dating.

Yeah, dating is hard but I'm a sucker and like the little pitter patter my heart gets sometimes.

[sidony]

I spent most of my lunch break just now pondering this. And I guess I think it's better to go ahead and say so when that person contacts you again. That's because what really sucks is this: I know with 99% certainty that I'll never hear from this guy again. But 1% thinks that maybe he'll call and say he just had an insanely busy week and couldn't get in touch and do I still want to go out again. That would be so great! But of course that isn't going to happen. And it'd be a tiny bit easier to know for certain that that isn't going to happen so that little hopeful bit of me doesn't hang on waiting to get shot down. I mean, if it's going to be shot down, just get it over with.

I guess the "not quite the right match" is the best way to go. I'll use it, even if people don't do so with me.

I think he was a great guy and suspect that he thinks this is the gentlest way to end it. I think I'd prefer the other method though.

Thanks for the input,
Sidony