[parsifal]

After my girlfriend being gone for three weeks and me missing her like crazy and being really upset trying to figure out why she wasn't calling or seeming like she missed me at all, I talked to her when she got home (after creating a cute little "Welcome Home!" surprise in her fridge out of pastries and floss and other things), and said that I wanted to talk to her so that I could find out what she was thinking and feeling, and she said that she felt I was being demanding (I said "I don't feel like I am; I just want to respect my emotions more".. while she was gone I realized that I disrespected myself and was ashamed of my more isolating, deeper emotions), and that I was trying to win her back and acting like we hadn't broke up.

At this point, I was simply shocked. I said something like "Wait, what? What are you talking about? Why do you think we're broken up?" And she said that, a week or so before she left, we talked and she said something like "I just feel like I've been trying a lot and it hasn't been working, and I just feel like I don't want to try anymore." Now, we had been having issues, and I have felt like she is very open and frank with with her emotions and thoughts, and I feel like she has said things very similar to this before, and that she was just doing it again then.

So then, my next question was, if she thought we were broken up, why did we continue to hang out and talk every day? And why did we hug and why did things seem just as close as they had been? And why did she complement me and tell me things like "you're pretty!"? And why did she hold my hand the day she left? I feel like I haven't been a very good listener sometimes, even though I really want to be, but I did not feel like any of this was related to me not listening to her or hearing what she was saying, though she felt like it was, at least partially. So, since she's been back, I've been committed to being really open and honest anyway, but also in this instance I did not let up, and I said "no, I am going to defend myself and say that I really do not feel like you were explicit enough, if that's what you wanted, and the way we acted afterwards was not healthy or appropriate.

So I told her that if we broke up, then I need time to myself to face my emotions and what it feels like to not be together. She said, and has said many times, that she worries about doing things that make me upset and push me away, and she wants to make sure that we'll always be friends regardless of what happens. I have been telling her that I really will still love her and care about her regardless, and that of course I'll always be her friend. But she's been worried that me returning her belongings and wanting alone time is the same as me erasing her from my life. I told her that it's just me cleansing things so that it's okay for me to be friends with her -- so that I know for sure that I don't still feel pain about all this. She said that she felt like the cleansing I was describing was the same as removing her from my life, and I said that I didn't want to do that at all.

So, when I asked her why, if she thought we were broken up, we were still so close and hanging out so much immediately afterwards, she said "that's just what I do and all I know, and maybe it's not the best thing but it's what I've always done."

I've always thought that my (now ex-)girlfriend was really good about being introspective and honest and clear-headed, but this whole situation just makes her seem so foreign to me, and it honestly makes me worry about her. We sat down last night and I went through all the discoveries I made about me and her while she was gone -- basically everything I thought and felt and wondered. I told her I really wanted this to be a growing experience for both of us, and I wanted as many positive things to come out of it that are possible. I wanted there to be the total truth, so that we could both make good, informed, honest decisions and discoveries.

So, we decided to break up. We have both been ragged, and it would definitely be good for us both to take a break from the misunderstandings and built-up pressure anyway. And we're both open to thinking about getting back together in the future (hopefully in a very slow, deliberate, and open way :-). And when I asked her to explicitly say that she wanted to break up, I started crying immediately, and out of my mouth jumped "*this* is how I react when I think we're broken up. I don't just sit there and listen to you and act like normal." So that was a little bitter, but it was true and I wanted her to see it.

Anyway, so I'm wondering what desires (conscious or subconscious) would lead her to do things and expect things like this? I just feel like I don't understand any of this, though it seems to feel natural for her. And it makes me wonder about her in general.. like all the times I thought I just wasn't listening, maybe she was just being selfish about feeling understood. Maybe she just wants the safest, most familiar type of love and relationship she can think of -- where things aren't unknown, and there is low risk? She is a virgin -- that's one fact (not to say that all virgins are like this! I'm just throwing it out there). Also, she has been in relationships where she has felt herself pulling away in the same way she did with me, and in those relationships, she said she just broke up immediately. She said that this time, with me, even though she felt it, she wanted to see if she could fix it, and discover why she did that. And she feels like she's tried a lot and it hasn't worked out. I feel like I've been trying too, and we're really good at talking, but I've been nervous and held things in, and in general it feels like we weren't both trying together, in a way. It almost feels like we were both just managing what was in our heads individually. I dunno, maybe that's not accurate. Okay also, her parents divorced and it was really messy, and her dad was (is?) really emotionally abusive in certain ways. Like, he would tell his kids (my girlfriend included) that "your mother just wants to take all my money," and it seems like he generally blamed any problem he had on other people. Like, when everyone at his school (he was a teacher) didn't like him, and eventually fired him, he said it was because "he made more money than the Principal and that made him jealous."

So, that's all I know. I just want to get to the bottom of this. I know we're broken up, but I am honestly sad and worried about her. What do you all think? Why did she act in this way? What is she looking for? How can I help?

[parsifal]

I should also say that her biggest complaint and reason for her feeling upset and distant is that she hasn't felt understood by me in many ways. She said she has felt like I haven't be listening or understanding her all the way. I know I have had issues with being able to clear my head and consider what people are telling me, and stay focused and everything (I was diagnosed with ADD, but there are other issues), so I have felt pretty guilty about all that in this relationship. But I don't have a feeling of what is really healthy and normal in this regard? I mean, we were together for like a year and a month, and things were really good an happy, and I feel like our sexual contact started this whole breakdown: she felt like I wasn't doing things she liked even though she told me about them several times. I really *want* (and wanted then) to understand her, and do what she likes. Initially, with sex, I feel like I actually didn't understand what she wanted out of sex, which is an affirmation and celebration of how close we are and how much we care about each other. I feel like I acted more out of my anxieties about sex -- that it would be really bad to lose the mood or take too long or fail, etc. And so I'd always be afraid to have sexual contact, because I was already anxious about it, and I felt like it was really hard for me to do what she liked.

So I dunno.. I dunno if there's something in her that wants things to break down, or what. I don't know if there are things she subconsciously expects, or what. I just dunno. I want to understand it all. I care about her and I want to explore this, even if we're broken up.

[LMo]

Parsifal... I am so sorry. That had to have hurt dreadfully.

I read both posts very carefully. I agree that she was unfair to not be direct with you, and I thought it was great that you stood up for yourself and said she should have been more explicit and appropriate after she thought she had broken up with you.

However... and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I do NOT think you should try to get to the bottom of her motives and feelings. It's up to her to communicate that to you, and you've obviously proven to her that you care and are willing to work through it. If she's not also actively trying, then she's going to see attempts to "understand" her now as being intrusive and disrespectful. I'd also be careful of the "friends" thing, but that might be just me. It's a great idea in theory, but much more difficult in practice.

It would be great if you could take this time apart and just work on yourself. The good news is that this experience is going to make you a stellar partner in your next relationship, IF you deal with the breakup in a healthy way. But if you get caught up in overanalyzing her, it's going to stop you from healing yourself. Do you have a T?

[parsifal]

LMo,

I'm an INFP :-) She's an INTJ. I don't know or remember what my percentages are on each letter -- that is, I don't know how close I am to a T rather than an F. I feel like her T was really close to an F, and that my F was really close to a T.

Thank you so much for reading what I wrote carefully. I know it was really long. I like writing, and I also wanted to make sure I got it all out. I wanted to give a full picture as accurately as possible.

And thanks so much for your compassion :-)

Thank you for the advice about not trying to analyze her right now. You may be right. And I feel like it probably does violate the space I'm trying to create in this breakup. Perhaps she'll be open about it later. And I feel like it's so true about advice that people have to be open to it (which I think she feels she is most of the time, even if maybe she's not totally) and reach out for it, and that it takes little bits over a long time to go a long way. Right now I just hope that this isn't the last that I hear from her. I don't want to be jealous or anything about her and everything, but I do feel like I want to have her in my life regardless of whether we get back together. We'll see, I guess.

I guess I feel like, I wish it was enough that I *want* to understand and I have always wanted that, and that I'm willing to work on things in order to achieve that. It feels like she wants or wanted things so immediately and without a lot of explicit conversation aside from talking about how upset and frustrated she gets sometimes.

I've spent the last 3-4 weeks working on myself. I don't want to stop, but I don't necessarily want to continue at the breakneck speed I've been going at. I want to have peace and calm and room to breathe. I'll focus on reinforcing the things I have discovered and changed, of course.