[marmit424]

Firstly, thank you so much for reading and replying to this. It really does mean a lot to me.

I'll try to keep it to the point.

I'm a 20 year old male living in the United States. I was raised as a Christian with those values and morals and have stuck with those. I have been single my entire life despite having opportunities to be in relationships. My problem with the women who are interested in me is that I am either unattracted to them or they do not hold the same general beliefs that I do. The women that I like never end up liking me although I have only ever truly liked three.

Now I came here to hopefully get some help and advice. Of course it's somewhat hard to fully describe what your problem is when you don't really know what it is yourself so I will try to outline some inconsistencies that I see between myself and the men around me.

Primarily I am far more serious about a relationship than other guys my age and I have been that way since I was very young. I do not 'check out' women. For some reason I do not seem to formulate any sort of opinion about them whatsoever beyond their personality. It's almost as though I have some internal taboo about labeling people as unattractive or reversely labeling them as very attractive. Another inconsistency is that I seem to over think relationships a lot. I over-analyze them to death (or at least so I have been told). I've never held a woman's hand or kissed a woman. I've never really felt compelled to 'make a move' on a woman. I'm a very relaxed, easy going, kind hearted man.

Ultimately my lack of relationships have lead me to become depressed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will always be lonely and I feel as though I can't trust women anymore as they always end up hurting me.

There is a woman that I was hanging out with at the park and she opened up to me about a lot of stuff that had happened in her past (people seem to trust me with that sort of stuff). We were just laying looking up at the stars and she kept on pointing to stars that were conveniently on my side of the sky and bumping shoulders. Then she laid her head on my chest for a little while. That's the closest I have ever been to a woman.

Immediately I started to over-analyze the situation. Was she interested in me? Etc etc... I am tired of making this mistake. So I tried to stop thinking about it. However also almost just as immediately I started coming up with reasons why I wasn't interested in her as a sort of defense mechanism. Ultimately this logic will also destroy me in my search for a healthy relationship.

I am truly very tired of being alone. I am tired of making mistakes. I don't want to mess this up and I don't want to mess any future potential relationships up. The problem is I don't know how to do things 'correctly'. I know there is no cut and dried way to do relationships correctly but I mean seriously clearly I'm doing something wrong. What does a healthy relationship look like at it's birth? What would be a general outline of things I should do? Things I shouldn't do?

I am also studying to be a psychologist and find the subject absolutely fascinating. I would be more than happy to do some research of my own if someone would point me in the right direction. Perhaps how to read social cues from women. How to alter my own behaviors and thoughts in an effective manner. How to find happiness myself rather than needing someone special to find it with. How to alter my behaviors and thoughts. Perhaps some neat tricks like, "Walk into a room, what's the first thing that you see?" or, "Carry around a backpack full of rocks and add symbolic meaning to them (loneliness, ugly, etc...) and at the end of the week smash them and throw them into a nearby lake." That sort of thing.

Thank you again so much. I really do appreciate your help.

[SpearOfTheLance]

If you're 20 and not been in a relationship I think you are normal and fine. You're very young still. I am going to make some assumptions but someone at your age I am sure gets bombarded thru the pop culture media that everyone is dating everyone else around your age etc.. Real Life is not like that. I think you're doing fine.

[marmit424]

I appreciate the response.

Indeed I am bombarded with that pop culture media however I can tell you that for me, at least where I live, it is a very real thing. If you're not sleeping around you are dating. I am doing neither. I am certainly not the norm and I am also very depressed because of this situation. It is real enough for me unfortunately.

[eskielover]

My one very important suggestion is to hold onto your beliefs & your values that are based on your beliefs & don't allow society to pressure into acting in any other way. You know from your belief that God will provide you the right person to fill the role of wife....don't settle for anything less than what God will provide. You don't know at what point in your life this will be provided, or yes, even if there is a wife there for you, but I believe that even if God doesn't provide the right person, it's for a good reason.

I know how discouraging it feels to want something that you aren't being provided at the moment.....my struggle is a bit different but I know how depressed I struggle not to feel so badly wanting my horse to be with me after I moved 2100 miles away after leaving my husband.....a mistake that we both made 33 years before I finally left.

I can honestly say that it is sometimes better to be without than it is to be with the wrong person.....& at the age of 20, you are still very young.....just don't let societies lack of moral values pressure you into doing something you know is wrong......your long run future is much more important than the temporary pleasures that the world is selling.

After 33 years of being married to the wrong person, I can definitely express the fact that I was so very depressed when with my husband & the depression from that relationship left when I left. There are other issues that are depressing in life, but God provides ways to make it through the depression if it's situational. If your depression is a chemical one that has been inherited through the generations, then there are meds that can help with that.....but if your depression is only because you don't have a GF......look at how many people are depressed that have a GF that isn't right for them.

God never promised to provide us an easy life, but he has promised to provide for our needs. Hold on & learn to be patient. Remember, patience is a gift that can only be developed when we are put in a position to develop it.

If you want to talk any deeper about the Christianity, it needs to be done via PM as we can't post about religious beliefs except in the appropriate social groups. Feel free to PM me.....I understand how you are feeling but also understand how important it is to hold onto your belief.

[unaluna]

I like reading nytimes.com weddings a weekly column there are stories about how couples met. Many of them are friends for a long time before they become a romantic couple. It is an interesting, diverse cross-section of occupations, from doctors to teachers to jugglers! But they are usually not frivolous stories.

[ACanthony]

Hello Marmit. Your story kind of reminds me of myself where I was at your age. I'm 27 now. At your age, I had kissed girls but never had a girlfriend. I was always 'the nice guy' who didn't know how to make a move on a girl I liked. If I had a penny for every time I heard "you're too nice" I'd have a lotttt of pennies! I am also a Christian and don't objectify women. Going forward 7 years I've had a girlfriend of 1 year and I've been going out with my current gf for 3 months. I went from thinking "there's something wrong with me because I don't have a gf" to understanding that I'm a very good and considerate boyfriend when given the chance.

I'd be patient. Society has changed. Girls at 20 sometimes don't know what they want and they tend to go for the bad boy. The nice guys flourish in their mid 20's once the girls are tired of dealing with the bad boy. Don't change though. Stick with your beliefs. I would, however, read some books about this stuff. If a girl puts her head on your chest she is probably trying to tell you something! I wouldn't necessarily 'be more aggressive' but I'd have a little more confidence and just go for it...PM me if you'd like and good luck