[Alabaster]

I felt compelled to create an account and post here. It's rare. I'd be grateful for just any external perspective and input.

Top line:
I'm in an uncertain relationship that's impacting me. I feel very down and very insecure. I'm considering whether to end the relationship and am looking for the right questions to ask to make that decision.

Background:
About a year ago, I got back in touch with an acquaintance. When we first met (two years prior), we were both seeing someone and while there was some flirting, we never took it anywhere.

This time, with changes in our personal circumstances we started spending time together (him initiating.) Three months in, he tried to kiss me and I resisted, but we continued to hang out. Five months in, he tried again and this time I let him. Our relationship became intimate. About a month after, he broke up with me saying he wasn't looking for a relationship and he didn't think I was ready for one either. (I had come out of a painful breakup and spoke often of that.) I accepted that and we continued hanging out as friends. Two months later, he kissed me one night saying he couldn't resist, and since then we're acting as though we're dating (three months.)

When we're together, he's very affectionate and we spend a lot of time cuddling and sharing new experiences and activities together. We have really stimulating conversation. When we're apart, I never hear from him. Since we're "on again", to spend time together, I do most of the outreach (which he always accepts.) We usually end up spending about 2 days a week together.

He tells me I'm his closest friend, and that he spends more time with me and trusts me more than anyone else. At the same time, he's a major cynic. He believes he's not capable of being in a committed relationship (he believes he's one of those people with limited vassopressin receptors) and usually gets bored within a year or two.

Being told that certainly doesn't make me feel great! Compared to his past relationships, we have a closer socio-economic background as well as more similar interests and careers. I've only been in stable relationships before lasting years and had always felt secure and valued in my prior relationships. Now I feel like I'm sitting on a ticking time bomb! I feel very attracted to him but I don't know if this rollercoaster is worth it!

Are all the signs I should end this? Or should we have a heart to heart talk, in which case what should I ask him? Ask if he's willing to work through things should we hit a roadblock? Ask how he feels about me? Should I ask if he's convinced this relationship has a finite shelf life, and if so, walk? We've fought twice, but were able to talk rationally through what happened and each time I believe we grew closer after the fight. But I mean he's pretty much said straight up he's incapable of committing.

Many thanks in advance for any thoughts you have to share.

[Leed]

I don't think he's "incapable" of being committed --- he's either afraid of commitment, or else he doesn't want to put in the work involved in keeping a relationship going.

I'd ask him where he thinks this relationship is going -- like you said, does he see it ending or on-going? Alot will depend on how he answers that. I wouldn't try to "talk him into" making any commitment cause it sounds like he's already got his mind made up.

I think I'd lean toward ending it amicably -- I'm sure YOU would prefer a solid, commited relationship. Everyone wants that -- but if he's so against it, why waste any more of your time? I'm SURE you'll find someone who is more suited for you, and won't treat your relationship lightly. He wants all the "'perks' but doesn't want to do any work.

I wish you the very best -- take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

"I have short vasopressin receptors"-? I don't think I could be with anyone would hand me a line like that! I mean, because he would leave, because I would be laughing so hard. I looked it up, he can't PROVE it, you only know it by his actions. Don't throw good money after bad. Unless you're willing to settle for what he wants to give you; but I see in what you say that you feel he will hurt you, or that you will feel hurt by his "innocent" actions. You do deserve to wait and look for for what you want; let him be cynical on his own or with some other sucker - or cynic, I can be open-minded!

[lastyearisblank]

What Leed said!

And ITA, "short vasopressin receptors"= does not compute.

[Alabaster]

Thanks guys! Appreciate your feedback. It's what I've been leaning towards as well.

I wanted to at least have a talk because I didn't want to give up just like that, but overall it's not worth letting my self esteem taking a beating! I felt I should make some effort because I see when he lets his guard down a sensitive person. He actually was engaged in his last relationship which ended when he discovered his fiancee cheating on him.

[unaluna]

Where were his short receptors then? Now he's the victim? I know relationships are "complicated", but - when all else fails, go by what you see on TV! On this past Sunday's episode of Doc Martin, while Doc was fixing a pig's butt, the pig's owner asked him, Can you make your fiancee happy? Doc thought the important question for a happy marriage was, did she make HIM happy. I kinda like this way of looking at things, instead of, he doesn't hurt me TOO bad, or yeah, I can STAND it, which is where I usually am.

[Alabaster]

He's never blamed what happened on how he is and there's no sign he considers himself a victim. To clarify, I'm in agreement with everyone this needs to end (and feel more convinced of it post feedback), but was just saying rather than to start with "we're done", to start an open conversation first before moving to end things for what feels like better closure.

[Alabaster]

Just an update to say we had our talk and have agreed we will be friends.

Thanks again everyone!

[unaluna]

You give us all strength! like a karmic pot of relationships... best wishes