[gypsyprincess]

I met a man at work who is 15 years older than me. We were immediately drawn to each other. I'm still in my 20s and he's in his late 30s. He has two kids from a past failed partnership. It ended because she cheated on him and left him for his best friend. So i know he's not single because of any commitment issues. We are very compatible. I really think I'm in love with him.
As a woman in my 20's, is it wise to pursue a man who has already experienced most of the things I still want to experience, like having children? (the verdict is still out on whether he would have more children or not). But I mean should i forget him and find a young man closer to my age who could experience life with me for the first time?

[roads]

If you want kids & he's had all he wants, that's HUGE! I know women who've tried ignoring it, but I don't know any who got over it.
But only you know your heart & dreams

[kaliope]

When it comes to experiencing those things, would you want to experience them the first time with somebody else who is experiencing them the first time also? Is he willing to experience them with you, being your guide and mentor, enjoying you enjoying them which could bring more joy to your relationship?

The biggest question is kids. Is he willing to have more if you want the experience of having your own children. Are you ready to be an instant mom? You need to deal with this immediately before you go any farther in this relationship. Raising someone elses kids is a difficult task. And this just doesnt involve the kids. You have to coparent as well. How is his ex going to accept you as a step-parent to the children? you will have to parent these children with her for the remainder of this relationship and what all will be involved in that? coparenting can make or break a relationship.

you have a lot to think about. good luck

[tattoogirl33]

I have a beautiful sister whom met a wonderful man online about 13years ago.. they have been compleatly devoted to one another this whole time, BUT my sister is now 36 years old and they have NO children.. She is very upset about this as I have 3 wonderful kids and she will only ever be an aunt. This is a tough one. You need to decide what you want out of life and relatonships BEFORE even starting one. It's kinda like a devoted Jewish man persuing a devoted Christain woman...

[faerie_moon_x]

You need to know the answer on the kids. I have a co-worker who married a man with a similar story. He had only one daughter, but refused to have more children. He did not enjoy the child rearing experience with his ex-wife at all, and refused to see how maybe it could be different with someone else.

She was instantly a mom to a girl who was torn between mother and father, and then had to add step-mother. It was a difficult teenage years, and then my co-worker suddenly found herself in her mid-fourties and without children, resenting her husband. Their relationship deteriorated because of all this too.

This is one of those big questions you have to be on the same page from the beginning. No, "Oh, the verdict is still out," no no. It has to be yes or no and if it is "I don't know," then I would be very cautious.

[gypsyprincess]

I completely agree with you all in regards to figuring out the "kids question". The answer to that question is definitely a make it or break it kind of thing. I could never give up my dream of having children.
Our situation is kind of more complicated though. There are other issues that would need to be dealt with before we even have that discussion and his separation has only been about two years so he has more pressing things to think about than whether he wants to have more kids five years from now. He extremely loves being a father though. And he has asked me how many children I want to have. He even asked me how I would feel if I only had a daughter because he has some kind of theory that athletic men, such as himself, are prone to making female babies. haha Also a few months ago he mentioned to me that I would make very beautiful babies... but on the other hand he also did the math and pointed out that if we were to have children at some point then he would be nearly 70 by the time all of his kids left for college... yeah that's kind of a huge deal...

Anyway, I guess at this point I'm more focused on the issue of him inevitably slowing down before I am ready to - as we get older together. At 73, his dad still jogs everyday though. And my man is still very athletic and generally healthy, thank God.

okay fine the whole thing is a mess! and even writing this post makes me think that I probably shouldn't get myself involved even deeper than I already am.
But,, he fulfills me on a spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical level that I have never experienced with anyone else before. How often does someone like that even come along?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by gypsyprincess

I met a man at work who is 15 years older than me. We were immediately drawn to each other. I'm still in my 20s and he's in his late 30s. He has two kids from a past failed partnership. It ended because she cheated on him and left him for his best friend. So i know he's not single because of any commitment issues. We are very compatible. I really think I'm in love with him.
As a woman in my 20's, is it wise to pursue a man who has already experienced most of the things I still want to experience, like having children? (the verdict is still out on whether he would have more children or not). But I mean should i forget him and find a young man closer to my age who could experience life with me for the first time?

You're in your early 20s. It sounds to me like your older man friend has had a commitment issue if he never married his baby mama. While I don't know your man friend, I have to say a lot of men will claim that their ex-girlfriends cheated on them, when it might be closer to the truth to say they never entered into an exclusive relationship with the woman and were angered and shocked when she moved on to another man. If he never married this woman, maybe she didn't think it was cheating. I think you should find a young man close to your own age and take the next relationship slowly.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by gypsyprincess

but on the other hand he also did the math and pointed out that if we were to have children at some point then he would be nearly 70 by the time all of his kids left for college... yeah that's kind of a huge deal...

Anyway, I guess at this point I'm more focused on the issue of him inevitably slowing down before I am ready to - as we get older together. At 73, his dad still jogs everyday though. And my man is still very athletic and generally healthy, thank God.

This is another valid point. If you wait five years, he'll be 41. That's how old my dad was when I was born. He's now 74. he's outlived his parents (they both died in their 60s,) but not his grandmother who lived to be in her late 80s, which is a big deal for a woman born in the 1800s.

But, I can tell you that growing up with a father that far ahead of me has always been a challenge. Also, don't let health and athletics be your gauge. Illness can strike anyone, anywhere, regardless. Even the healthiest people can suddenly get auto-immune disorders, Alzheimer, etc. But you have that risk with anyone.

The real challenge between age difference is mental. A 65 year old father with a teenage daughter grew up in a completely different era with completely different states of mind.

I still say just be careful. Maybe it will be great for you. Maybe not. Hard to say.

[gypsyprincess]

The real challenge between age difference is mental. A 65 year old father with a teenage daughter grew up in a completely different era with completely different states of mind. .[/QUOTE]

Wow! I'd never even considered the impact it would have on our kids. I only ever looked at it from his perspective.
Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

my dad was 36 when I was born. That was and still is hell...

[faerie_moon_x]

After my mom died and it was just me and my dad, I had to do all the things mom should have been doing. Like, had had to have all of his toe-nails removed due to his diabetes.... So here is me, at 15, having to put this cream on my dad's wounded feet to ward off infection.

Then later he had to have shoulder surgery and here is me at 18 having to nurse him back to being his normal self.

Of course then there was the time he brought home a passage from a 1950s home economics book describing how to grow up and be the "perfect wife." (Very Stepford wife description.) Once I read it and laughed and said, "Wow, things were really different then." He looked me square in the face and seriously said, "This explains why you will never find a husband." I love my dad, but we just see things in totally different ways.