[cutbuddie]

Not sure which forum to put this post in...
So here it goes. Im really messed up. Almost two years ago i was sexually assaulted (dec 31st), Just thinking about everything that i went through makes me cry. I still don't believe that i will ever come over the fear and hostility that i still cary from the assault. I will never find sex the same. Because it was my first time. I would never be able to experience my real "first time". That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is i can't get close to anyone anymore. I find it extremely difficult to trust people, i just can't handle it anymore, i have no best friend, I'm always alone even though i do prefer it I'm extremely lonely.
I can't even get my thoughts arranged at all.
And so I lied. I don't know whats wrong with me but i lied to him, this guy. I just don't know how to keep a stable relationship if i can't trust anyone.
All i've ever wanted to do was fall madly in love, sneak out to see my boyfriend at midnight under "our" tree, have him stick up for me, lend me his jacket when I'm cold and dance under the stars. But i can't feel that, i always mess up because in my mind i see something bad happening so i try to avoid it by breaking it off. I really don't know whats wrong with me.
I just don't want to be hurt again. I have a bad history of an assault, being stalked, hit, emotional and verbal abuse from my ex's. And because my dad is an ex-cop, i've learned to stick up for myself and be strong. But on the inside, every word they say to me hurts, its like SI.
Idk. i know this makes no sense at all but ugh, I'm just not too sure. I need a break from life..

[gashly]

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I'm not sure what you mean by "lied" and am concerned by your last sentence, about needing a break from life.

I can empathize about not having a best friend to talk to. Maybe you don't have a best friend to talk to, but is there someone you have been working with? A counselor or therapist?

I don't know if it helps to know that you are not alone in having trouble trusting others or with stable relationships.

[RedRoom]

You're not alone.

I know people say that all the time but it's true. More than that, you don't have to choose to be alone. I have the same sensation, that somehow you'll be weak if you can't cope with life on your own - but it's not true, I'm finally starting to realise that now. I'm sorry about what you've suffered and about your past relationships. But you sound like you've experienced great relationships too?

[Perna]

I agree with gashly; I would find a counselor/therapist to discuss your confusions with and see if you can get some of the abuse behind you and onto a more adulthood path.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by cutbuddie

Not sure which forum to put this post in...
So here it goes. Im really messed up. Almost two years ago i was sexually assaulted (dec 31st), Just thinking about everything that i went through makes me cry. I still don't believe that i will ever come over the fear and hostility that i still cary from the assault. I will never find sex the same. Because it was my first time. I would never be able to experience my real "first time". That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is i can't get close to anyone anymore. I find it extremely difficult to trust people, i just can't handle it anymore, i have no best friend, I'm always alone even though i do prefer it I'm extremely lonely.
I can't even get my thoughts arranged at all.
And so I lied. I don't know whats wrong with me but i lied to him, this guy. I just don't know how to keep a stable relationship if i can't trust anyone.
All i've ever wanted to do was fall madly in love, sneak out to see my boyfriend at midnight under "our" tree, have him stick up for me, lend me his jacket when I'm cold and dance under the stars. But i can't feel that, i always mess up because in my mind i see something bad happening so i try to avoid it by breaking it off. I really don't know whats wrong with me.
I just don't want to be hurt again. I have a bad history of an assault, being stalked, hit, emotional and verbal abuse from my ex's. And because my dad is an ex-cop, i've learned to stick up for myself and be strong. But on the inside, every word they say to me hurts, its like SI.
Idk. i know this makes no sense at all but ugh, I'm just not too sure. I need a break from life..

Awweee...Hugs....I'm sorry to hear this...Not to make this thread/post about me, but I was raped when I was young...By a close relative...So believe me when I say, I completely understand your trust issues...

Besides the rape, I've dealt with physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse from a college boyfriend that I was in a serious relationship with...Throw in random abuse over the years from various men and voila here are my major trust issues and coping issues....Among other things....I'm in a relationship now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I basically did random things to hurt him and to make him leave me...Why? Because I felt he was too good too be true...That he would eventually hurt and leave me...After awhile, I saw that he wasn't leaving, and that he really did care about me because the things I put him through, most men wouldn't put up with...

Being a rape survivor, there are alot of things that you have to deal with that other people just won't be able to understand....To have someone take away your innocence, it's devastating....I've spent damn near my whole life dealing with everything that comes along with it...It's greatly effected every single relationship I've had...I don't mean to scare you or make you feel worse, but it's hard...Partly because you feel like after what happened to you, you can't trust anyone...

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a strong person who won't let anyone walk all over me...And because of that, I think that people don't think that I actually get my feelings hurt by the things they say and do...

Anyway, if you need anyone to talk to, please send me a private message....

Edit: On a more positive note, find someone you can confide in and seek a counselor....Things can get better...It just takes time, but you'll get there....For years I've denied and hid the fact that I was raped and never got the help that I needed...Now that I'm getting help and learning about everything that comes along with assault and mental illnesses associated with it, I'm accepting it, and learning more about it which is making me a better person and better able to deal with trusting and other such things...It takes time, but again, you'll get there...Don't let the person that raped you take your life away from you...