[RedRoom]

This is going to sound like quite a strange, long, rambling question, but bear with me...

I have (at the moment quite bad) depression and body dysmorphic disorder. Usually, I can keep it to myself. In the past, this has always worked out best for me since I hated seeing my parents/friends worried or upset about it, and I'd go through it in waves and get over it.

Earlier this year, I got into a serious relationship of a kind I've never really had before, as in, one where my partner is open and honest about himself and life and everything. It really scared me at first, and then it was amazing. It has changed my life - but it didn't cure my depression.

My problem is this: he has a strong, overwhelming belief that a relationship means that you are open about everything you're feeling and that your partner should be able to help you through anything. I think he believes that he should be able to fix my depression.

I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that I'm sure many people would love for other people to have that attitude but... I don't believe in this. I don't believe partners are responsible for or necessarily capable of solving mental health issues. And I believe you are entitled to remain within yourself over certain issues, to find your own forms of help.

What do other think on this? Has anyone else had a partner (or friend) who's offended by the fact they can't 'cure' you?

(P.S. Sorry for such an essay of a post...)

[lad007]

Well sure a partner that is willing to provide support and encouragement is great, but another person can not cure your mental health issues, any more than they could cure diabetes or a heart condition. It's a medical condition. Explain it that way.

[amity]

You are lucky to have a partner who wants to help you out of your problems.See, he confided in you about his feelings & you appreciated it.You have always kept your issues to yourself,& are not used to vocalizing them--this too adds to depression.Believe me,sharing your worries & fears with a trusted confidante is also a kind of therapy.It helps to get the load off your mind.Besides your partner will be able to understand you better ,he has less chances of hurting you unintentionally.If you are able to get over this block you will feel much better.
Perhaps you would like to read "Insurance against mental disorders " http://jeeteraho.blogspot.com
Cheer up, things are looking up !

[Perna]

I believe being there for a partner means being there on one's partner's terms, not one's own. It is nice he wants to help but his idea of the help you need is not yours and it is your life to live.

I observed something in my husband, 15-20 years ago (we have been married 22), I did not understand; he never volunteered to help anyone but would gladly do so. I did not think much of it, realized that I could volunteer him myself when I saw a friend's or relatives need but eventually got around to discussing it.

His point of view is that it is condescending to decide another person needs your help! If I need help and want you to help me, I can ask you to help me. I am in charge of my life. Assuming that someone else wants you or needs help (just because you feel you would need help in a situation does not mean another person feels that way!) is pretty much boundary crossing. Two year olds get it right when they start saying "No!" when they are doing something and want to try doing it without another person's help!

My husband's "condescending" point-of-view was an eye-opener for me and I am much more sensitive now to saying, "Would you like me to help you?" rather than just jumping in with, "Let me help you!". However, I am still not so good with listening instead of offering verbal help, letting people know my point-of-view and how I would do things if I were in their shoes That too is a boundary crossing of sorts, does not let the person think through things on their own and come to their own best solutions for themselves but adds more for them to process when they are often confused to begin with. If a person is important to another, it creates a conflict such as you have, where you would like to please the other but it may conflict with your own best interest as you see it.

You don't need that; tell him to back off, you'll ask for his help when you want it! His thinking you need his help is not helping him understand himself or others and how best to serve. It's an unconscious ego trip that can harm his own character (if he gets in the habit of it) and is not helping you.

[Leed]

I agree with the others, but I also think that there are some things that are best kept to yourself. And there are some things that you just WANT to keep to yourself. If you give up everything to someone, you lose a part of yourself. It's great to have a relationship where you can talk about everything & anything -- but there are some things (for me) that I just don't want to talk about -- they aren't necessarily bothering me, but it's just "personal." Maybe I'm weird.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[RedRoom]

Originally Posted by lad007

"Well sure a partner that is willing to provide support and encouragement is great, but another person can not cure your mental health issues, any more than they could cure diabetes or a heart condition. It's a medical condition. Explain it that way."

Actually, that's the first thing I did (though I used measles as the example... don't know why...). I think he understood in part, but I guess there's always a bit of people that thinks mental issues are different, somehow "curable" through talking, and that there's a little bit of therapist in them that's going to help somehow. Really I want him to just be there not to know every detail of my problem... I think he'll understand that someday. But given how hurt he can get over this, I just wanted to know that it was the right thing to draw a line there.

Originally Posted by Perna

"Assuming that someone else wants you or needs help (just because you feel you would need help in a situation does not mean another person feels that way!) is pretty much boundary crossing."

"His thinking you need his help is not helping him understand himself or others and how best to serve. It's an unconscious ego trip that can harm his own character (if he gets in the habit of it) and is not helping you."

I think it would be wrong of me to think he's doing it as an ego trip, though I know feeling less of a person because you can't help another is related to your ego, I think in his case it's mostly related to his view on the universe. 'You help as an automatic response'. But I have to agree with your husband's 'eye opener' statement about crossing boundaries - that's exactly what it feels like. Of course, some people don't believe you should have those boundaries in the first place, but I'm not one of them, not yet at any rate. So thank you.

Originally Posted by Leed

"And there are some things that you just WANT to keep to yourself. If you give up everything to someone, you lose a part of yourself."

That has been my view for so long! Those exact words. It's hard to explain to someone who believes openness is the ideal.

Originally Posted by amity

"You are lucky to have a partner who wants to help you out of your problems.See, he confided in you about his feelings & you appreciated it.You have always kept your issues to yourself,& are not used to vocalizing them--this too adds to depression."

: ) I don't ever want to sound like I don't appreciate him being there, I do! And thank you for the journal link, it is very interesting. Don't worry, I don't think the world is a cruel place... not all the time. Otherwise I wouldn't keep finding people who care. And forums like this wouldn't exist.