[lexie86]

Hi everyone

I was just wondering how would you feel if your husband or wife/ partner told you they loved the other woman/man. Not that he/s was leaving you for her/him, but that they loved them as well.
I guess when i imagine being married and my husband the concept is that once he marries me then he loves only me, and i honestly dont think i would be able to get over the fact that they fell in love with someone else. I know in life we fall in love with alot of people, but things dont work out and you break up, they in part will always have apart of your heart and in away you will always love them. However, once you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone, your agreeing to be there one and only, unless otherwise agreed.

I mean cheating breaks the codes of marriage/partnership, but i think in away you probably could forgive someone for being physically intimate with someone else, but could you get over them loving someone else.

I've heard of stories where women will say he said he loved her, but that was just the affair fog because afterwards he said he did not.
In retrospect i think the husband or the wives say this because they want to shut you up if that makes sence, they dont want to have to listen to you say, but you said you loved her/him. so they tell you want you want to hear. I think if yo felt at the time and you beleived it then it was true, the affair fog is just the same as that falling in love phase at the beginning of a new relationship, though i think it does depend upon the situation etc.

The whole falling out of love thing, i love you, but im not in love with you. that makes no sence you either love them or not.
There is this whole saying that people may forget what you said, but they will never be able to forget the way you made them feel.

So could you truely get over them falling in love with someone else, or would it seep through your body like an infection, slowly destroying your love for them. Once the intial winning phase passed and life returned back to normal, normal problems etc how would you get rid of the doubt.
I think after an affair there is this honeymoon phase where the husabnd or wife showers you with attention, trys to make it up too you etc. You go to councelling to find out what was missing emotionally. The truth is though if you looked at the other person they would probalbly be the exact opposite of you, as you cant love two people at the same time that are similar. However, they have more obligation to there partner, house, kids, etc.
So how would you escape the belief that they are only with you because they are obligated. And that if it just came down to love who would they really be with, and more importantly would you want to be with someone who loved another at the same time. ( this question is or everyone really).

A councellor/psychologist's i think makes excuses for certain behaviour, they try and help understand why you do certain things, but there making educated quessed and once a thought is in your mind then you tend to take it and run with it, even though your heart says otherwise.

Anyway this ended up being a whole lot of rambling

Question could you truely get over your partner loving someone else.

[tattoogirl33]

not a chance!

[afterrain]

Thank you. I like thread that make me think. To answer your question, I really don't know. I hope that never happens to me.

[lexie86]

I think we say alot of things like i would never put up with that or do that, but yeah unless we are put in the situation i quess we cannot really say how we would react. I think a person with high self worth, and was strong mentally and had alot of life experiences and relationship experiences would not put up with it, but it is amazing what we will do to hold on to the so called "prize", It is like thinking we really want soemone, and we hold on through the hurt and then once we have a it o time to reflect and everything settles down we realsie we cant get over the hurt or forget it, and our desperation made us put up with things that if we were thinking rationally and really listening to our selves we would never have accepted.
But i dont know, i know it breaks your heart to know that someone ypu loves loves another.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you know the answers despite asking them. It looks like you just need to be brave enough to get back up and move on with your life.

[Kattic]

I think the situation you are in, your ages, whether children are involved - these things all temper how a person would process knowing that his/her spouse stated he/she was in love with someone else.

First of all, I would have to ask myself . . . why would someone SAY that. If my spouse wants to reconcile . . . why would he say that he still loved the other person? Seems that is automatically setting things up for the "left behind" partner to feel distanced.

I would have to think to myself . . . he is saying he wants to reconcile . . . he is saying he wants my forgiveness . . . he is saying he wants to make this relationship work . . . but then by saying he is still in love w/ someone else . . . isn't that his way of putting the psychological ball in my court to force me to be the one to end the relationship?

And does that mean that for the rest of this relationship, I am gonna feel like "second choice?"

Those are the questions I would have to answer for myself.

I would add . . . not all marriages stay together b/c both people are deeply in love. Sometimes, it is just a matter of convenience or shared history or fear of being alone. That doesn't mean there can't be respect for one another. You can still work towards goals together and be kind to one another. However, unless you are willing to compromise (and usually, most folks aren't willing to do that, unless they feel the companionship is more important than the other compromises) . . . most folks want to feel cherished by the person they have chosen to live with for a lifetime.

[lexie86]

Originally Posted by Kattic

I think the situation you are in, your ages, whether children are involved - these things all temper how a person would process knowing that his/her spouse stated he/she was in love with someone else.

First of all, I would have to ask myself . . . why would someone SAY that. If my spouse wants to reconcile . . . why would he say that he still loved the other person? Seems that is automatically setting things up for the "left behind" partner to feel distanced.

I would have to think to myself . . . he is saying he wants to reconcile . . . he is saying he wants my forgiveness . . . he is saying he wants to make this relationship work . . . but then by saying he is still in love w/ someone else . . . isn't that his way of putting the psychological ball in my court to force me to be the one to end the relationship?

And does that mean that for the rest of this relationship, I am gonna feel like "second choice?"

Those are the questions I would have to answer for myself.

I would add . . . not all marriages stay together b/c both people are deeply in love. Sometimes, it is just a matter of convenience or shared history or fear of being alone. That doesn't mean there can't be respect for one another. You can still work towards goals together and be kind to one another. However, unless you are willing to compromise (and usually, most folks aren't willing to do that, unless they feel the companionship is more important than the other compromises) . . . most folks want to feel cherished by the person they have chosen to live with for a lifetime.

I think your point about leaving the ball in the partners court sounds right on. In reality you think they are going to leave you so you dont have to feel like the bad guy and get to blame them, but when they still want to be with you it kind of throws you for a loop, like they must love me alot etc to put up with that so i will stick it out even tough the one saying they love another as well is not 100% sure about there commitment towards you, though that being said there confused either way.

[sunrise]

I was faced with a situation where my (then) husband said he wanted to continue with our marriage but continue having relationships with other women. He didn't say he loved the other women (or me) but that was what he intended to do. He told me had come to believe that monogamy was unnatural and that evolution favored having multiple partners and that humans had a tradition of monogamy probably only due to influences like Christianity. He wasn't religious so he didn't feel beholden to religion to determine his behavior. He knew that having multiple partners was right and natural and he intended to follow that.

I thought about it for a while then told him I wasn't on board with his plan or ideas. When I had gotten married I had signed up for monogamy and that's what I still wanted. It never would have felt right or good to me to continue in the marriage with his open relationships with other women. (It was hard enough when he kept them hidden.) So we got divorced. Best decision I ever made!

I think it's important to know what you want and not bend too much on matters that are important to you. So no, I couldn't get over my partner loving or being with other women. It was unacceptable to me. Maybe if it happened once and then he realized it was not what he wanted, and ended the other relationship. Maybe then, with a lot of reassurances from him that were not BS but genuine, I could get over it. I don't know, because it didn't happen that way for me. I'm not exactly clear on how it happened for you either and if your husband continues to love and have a relationship with another woman. For me, if my partner is going to continue loving other women, hell no, I can't get over it and keep on that way. Marriage-ending event.

[faerie_moon_x]

No. I could not handle it if my husband told me he loved someone else but was staying with me or that he loved me too. I would feel used. I could not handle it at all. It would tear me to pieces and I seriously think I would just break down. Also I would not be able to handle thinking of that other woman at all.

The whole "i love you but not in love with you" I know what that is. It's like you love your best friend but not in love with them. Or you love your kids but not in love with them. In love is like romantic, the other is not.

If I was cheated on I think I would go through a breakdown. If there was any reconciliation he would have to agree to therapy both couples therapy and self-therapy, and to remove all contact from his mistress, and to show major improvements toward the relationship and toward me as well. Betrayal is not something I get over easily.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

i think its possible to love more than one person, but if my spouse didnt love me enough to not tell me about it and to stay faithful to me i'd tell him i want more than that and that hes free to go.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by sunrise

my (then) husband said he wanted to continue with our marriage but continue having relationships with other women. He didn't say he loved the other women (or me) but that was what he intended to do. He told me had come to believe that monogamy was unnatural and that evolution favored having multiple partners and that humans had a tradition of monogamy probably only due to influences like Christianity.

oh god i'm sorry but that takes the cake. really now.