[Adelissa]

Hello, I am one of these kids you hear about that are living with their parents at the age of 30. Will try to sum things up, I had mental issues, was afraid to get out and live life and just basically had things way too easy on one hand. I had a mother who I loved dearly and she basically took care of us all way too much. So I get cancer, then she does, and while I am still in treatment, she dies. That was just over 1 year ago. I felt I was growing a lot, became sort of her replacement even though I didn't want to be that, and I am having issues with some things. I will try not to write a book but basically, as much as I love my mother dearly, there are things I can acknowledge she didn't do so well. My brother is borderline retarded and my father is bipolar 1 but he hasn't been manic in 8 years he is so heavily medicated, and I am raising my 8 year old autistic niece. I found out my cancer was back 1 month after my mother died, and basically my life is kinda on hold for a few reasons. We have bedbugs. I would probably laugh if I hadn't experienced it for myself. It should be its own mental illness. It is like living in a war zone. Screaming at people don't lay your (fill in the blank) there! now I have to wash it again! and on top of the regular chores that I get very little help with and upon discovering my sister was back to abusing prescription drugs (and that she stole from me to get them) and just the absence of the last female I got help from and could trust, I just snapped 3 weeks ago and really thought long and hard about killing myself for the first time ever. I voluntarily checked myself into a psych ward and was there for 3 days. My therapist says delegate, and I am like, you tell someone to do the dishes but at what point do you do them yourself? when you run out of them? when you see bugs? etc. And it isn't like I can delegate the bedbugs (these are your bugs these are my bugs now lets kill them all!) ok I was being a smart butt on that last part but really that's how I feel. At some point there does have to be a buck stops here person I think, but maybe I am just being some kind of co dependant, IDK.
He says set boundaries and to be perfectly honest I am not sure what he means except for instance, if they want fast food it doesn't mean I shouldn't eat healthy if I want to. Financially we couldn't live the lifestyle we are used to if we all didn't live together and my last therapist wanted me to run far away from them, but I am not ready and I see this as a good place to learn some lessons. If I can survive this I can survive anything, and when it comes down to it, for me anyway, any family is better than no family at all. My brother has started talking with me more and I think I am breaking through with him. He explained the reason he helps some days more than others has to do with his depression, (um...I want to be sympathetic but I have that too but if I shut down NOTHING would get done) But for instance he did the dishes today without me asking and I am grateful for the small victories like that, just wish there was more consistency. I thought about a chore chart or something like that, just not sure it would be obeyed and I hate the thought of treating them like children (father is 68 brother is 42) now the niece is mine so I can make her do some things but she is autistic so sometimes that is like pulling teeth but she will put her own laundry away at least. I don't know how long I will live with them but I am just trying to get them to the point where they can function without me and maybe that will happen maybe it won't and at some point I have to make the decision to move out without feeling like I abandoned them, but I just need some practical solutions so I don't constantly feel overworked and underappreciated, and at the same time, I don't want them to feel like I am this big nag. I wish I could get us all in family counseling but not sure a) if I can afford it and b) if they would actually go.
Thanks for reading and I read every reply to every thread I start so I appreciate feedback.

[shezbut]

Adelissa,

Yes, you are in a pickle.

It's good to see that your battle with cancer has been a success! Sorry about the loss of your mom and being stuck in deadstill family dynamics. I can understand deep depression very well, been there a few times myself.

It would be healthy to get out of the house ~ but if you aren't ready for that step (which is a big one), then you simply aren't ready. Perhaps you should look into receiving county assistance, to help you manage the house and their illnesses a little easier. Is anyone in the family working, or able to work?

I think that getting everyone into a family therapy would be tough ~ especially if they aren't seeing individual counselors, for their own issues. I guess that I would start with encouraging your brother and father to see T's, to help them battle their depressions. I'd also check to see if your family could receive assistance of some kind, through the county or state, to help manage healthy living more easily.

Hopefully, your neice is doing okay. Does she work with anyone regularly? In or out of school? I don't know much about autism, other than a few quick facts: more common with boys than girls, there are different degrees of autism (and girls typically have less severe degree than boys), and a genetic component is suspected to be cause for autism.

Hope that my post has helped you in some way. Very best wishes sent your way!

[Adelissa]

When I was in the psych ward they said they would look into getting some help with housework, that could be a while and I am really not sure how that would work but I am willing to try it. I have some goals to accomplish before literally moving and a lot of growing left to do but I will not be 40 living with my Dad at least, that I can say for sure, especially if he just gets worse, sometimes I feel like if I didn't cook for him he wouldn't eat, he is that helpless (learned helplessness I am sure but helpless nonetheless) My niece gets a lot of help and she is the real shining light in my life. She is in the moderate to severe class at public school but I hear she is higher functioning than many of her peers, and talks a lot which is a miracle in itself because it was until she was around 4 that she would even say a complete sentence at all. Also she goes to a autistic day center after school until about 5pm so that helps. I can't have children because of the cancer and I have to say she is a living example to me of the bible verse about God working all things for good for those who love him, I see it that way anyway. My brother isn't really ready to go to therapy and my dad used to but doesn't anymore. Now, I am not sure how much insurance issues are a factor. I believe my brother said he is uncomfortable in group therapy and they won't offer him one on one right now. Dad is hard to say he doesn't talk to me much. Honestly my Dad acts more angry most of the time than depressed, when I can get him to talk at all. I am also trying not to talk or write in absolutes. (example I get no help from them) That isn't true, I don't get consistant or reliable help but I do get help from my brother when he feels like it. He has depression and while it isn't always apparent, it does come out once in a while when he feels like talking to me. He carries a lot of guilt about my mom's last days and how he feels he wasn't there for her, etc. I try to encourage him and let him know she wouldn't hold a grudge because she is perfect in a perfect place now, so Idk how much is getting through or what goes through his mind all the time. Anyway, I thank God for this website, it is getting me through the day and helping me to think rationally and work on my issues.