[Myzen]

Hi folks,

One of the hardest lessons in life is to learn that people see life through different eyes from our own. It's comforting to believe that others, especially our friends and family, see the world in the way that we ourselves see the world. It's lonely to realise that they might not.

Here are a couple of examples; one amusing and one rather less so.

A friend took his wife and young family on a campervan tour of the US. They saw some spectacular sites, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, all that kind of stuff. They camped in the open air, and saw all sorts of wildlife. When they got back, my friend asked his two little children what they had liked best about the trip. They said "The Simpsons". He was dumbstruck. He said "What?". They said, "There was a little TV in the back of the camper and we watched TV while you were driving along".

My friend didn't understand that sightseeing and long drives are an adult interest, and these kids would have been bored rigid without the little TV that must have saved the holiday for them. He couldn't see the situation through their eyes.

Another example, rather sadder. On the night my father died, my mother and brother were present. After he had passed away, we were in the living room, talking uncomfortably. I said that, during the last few days,I had finally managed to speak to my father about all the painful bullying and tormenting that he had put me through.

My brother said, "I liked it when he was doing that, for I knew that he was enjoying himself". I must have looked horrified, for he added "Oh, I didn't like it that he was arguing with you."

I realised that my brother had watched all the years of misery, including physical violence, from a completely different perspective to me, and oddly enough, I could understand that he might have empathised with my father and not with me. It was a very lonely feeling, I was gutted.

Later that night, my mother said to me, "Your father left a lot of casualties behind him." In the early hours of the morning, I left the house, and there has been no communication with my brother since that night. My mother died the next year, I saw my brother briefly at her funeral, and then nothing.

Sometimes we are lucky to see things 'eye to eye' with another person, and many times we are not. Just because we are members of the same family doesn't change the psychology.

As I have mentioned on PC before, it is too late for my birth family, the damage was done and now it's history. It just has to be viewed as a natural disaster I guess.

I didn't make the same mistake with my own daughter, now grown up, and we are the best of friends, sharing 'in jokes' and always enjoying each other's company. It is so good when it's good, when we can see 'eye to eye' with another person. It's my feeling that we can't make people see the world through our eyes, but we can make it easier for them to share something with us. It's a delicate process, as all relationships are, and it is so good when it happens.

I wonder how other's have found this feature of life? I'm thinking that it must be a very large part of the therapists working day!

Cheers, M

[eskielover]

I think that the important part of not seeing eye to eye is accepting the way the other person sees even though it isn't what we see. I think that is the only way to get along with other people.

If we don't see eye to eye on most everything, then maybe it is best to remove ourselves from their lives because it causes very uncomfortable feelings & even anger. I find that if there only a few things that aren't eye to eye, it is much easier to accept.....the more things that fall into that catagory.....it isn't worth forcing the relationship.

I am finding that this is the cause for my ending my marriage also....It seems like it has evolved to not seeing eye to eye on anything....causing nothing but anxiety, depression, & anger. All feelings that I don't want to continue fighting, & fleeing into my room & depression isn't a solution either.

It is up to us how much we are willing to tolerate

Debbie

[Myzen]

Eskie,

You make an important point, that 'seeing eye to eye' is not a fixed situation. There is an evolution in agreement and disagreement, and people can fall out with each other over many years. It feels as if you have slowly lost your connection with your husband over the years, and the further away we go from each other the colder it gets. There is, as you seem to imply, a point of no return - sadly.

Maybe it's more than just the way we see the issues, but the way we feel about the person, and that is not easily changed. Obviously there was a feeling of rivalry with my brother, inculcated by the family dynamics, and he didn't want to see my point of view, as I was his rival, not our father.

We can 'decide' not to see the other person's point of view, and once we have made that decision, it would take all the therapists of the Western world to move us even an inch towards our enemy's position. Such is the nature of people. It's a tragedy of the world.

Good grief, look at all the wars, the soldiers, the divorce lawyers, the counsellors and therapists, the court systems - it's all evidence of how difficult people can be towards each other. The amazing thing is that we ever see eye to eye with anyone at all!

Good thoughts, M

[jmo531]

Myzen,

I think to open up about your family was very courageous. Thank you for doing that.

I just think that when two people experience the "same" thing they have different perspectives on it. I think that is pretty interesting. I often like to hear another point of view.

Now, what you are talking about, with your brother and how he viewed the abuse from your father is interesting. Did he get the same treatment as you did from your father? or was your father more leanient on him? That could be the cause of your brother seeing the abuse differently, ya know? My sister still to this day swares that my mother treated me better then her and says I am her favorite. My sister seems to forget that I received the same beating as her. I think that my sisters point of view is rediculous that I was favored. I have since patched my relationship with my mother and I forgive her for the past. My sister and my mother have never gotten past that and I suppose that is why my sister feels the way she does. I really dont know.

Sometimes, interpretation of particular situations can be quite frustrating.

Huggles