my father and I

We are feuding again, sparked by an email he sent me earlier today. I need to keep this short because it could easily span pages so...basically I have wrestled with BP2 for about 6-7 yrs now, tried half a dozen meds and ultimately ended up relying on self-medicating with mostly alcohol. It spun out of control in the last 2 yrs and resulted in some legal headaches, now mostly over. I can't say enough about my parent's unwavering support throughout and I'm trying to repay the debt I feel. But in a nutshell my father has been badgering me to take lithium which I refuse to do; he also says he is tired of "covering" for me by which I took him to mean, hiding things (about me) from the women in my life. Since he is incapable of having a rational conversation, he only assumes things, never asks, for instance, "Are you being honest with your fiancee about your bi-polarism?" No, that would be too easy.

My father is now not so well, he's 67 and is facing a number of ailments resulting from 40 yrs of insulin-dependent diabetes and is understandably worried about what will happen to my mother after he has gone. And I'm trying to be a good son and put my problems behind me but he just continues to hammer on these issues, particularly the lithium one.

I want to be there for my mother in all this but I'm not going to relent re the lithium issue. As I have detailed here, I'm determined to use exercise, meditation and some natural supplements to keep my mood swings in line. I won't lie to you and say it's been easy but certainly eliminating alcohol from the equation has helped matters.

Some of you seem quite wise and it would be great to have some input. Obviously I want to be there for my folks in their older ages but I'm not going to tolerate the kind of assumptions my father continues to make about me and my recovery. It just makes it very hard to love him-and hurts my mother for her to see it all . Thanks for listening.

Have you tried to explain to your dad that treatment for a medical problem is a decision that adults make for themselves? That you've discussed your options with professionals & you're very comfortable with your decision?

I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing about your drinking. You seem to have finally seen that as the mistake it was and made the mature choice to eliminate that option.

I'm assuming BTW you're withholding nothing from your fiancée--right?

The side effects of lithium make it ill advised for many of us if there is another way. You have to be thoroughly honest with yourself about how well your plan to control your symptoms is working. But even if down the road you were to decide that you did need some drug support, I can't see why lithium would come into the picture unless so many other meds had proved unsatisfactory--a situation highly unlikely.

How does your mom feel about all this? She's the one you will ultimately be called on to show support for. Does she have faith in you?

The BP2 diagnosis did not occur until around 2005. So, while I did let partners know that mental illness ran in the family, I had no real reason to discuss my own condition with anyone (I guess that's part of the condition too, it makes you myopic about your own condition) until relatively recently. It is very hard to talk to people about my mother's multiple suicide attempts and my brother's successful suicide attempt; then, as now, it just seems like it will frighten the hell out of people. For instance, I have been able to tell my fiancee about my brother but not about my mother, except in general terms. I also told her about my bipolarity and my probs with alcohol.

The resentment with regard to my father is not so much his persistence in pushing lithium at me or my being honest with my loves about my issues but the fact that he never asks me directly any of the questions that a person who wanted to understand me better would ask , he simply assumes things; it makes me really question whether he actually WANTS to know my thoughts...more often than not, I have to assume that he DOES NOT. And so it goes...we talk THROUGH each other and frankly, he only hears what he wants to. I pride myself on being a good listener but I'm not going to do all the work. It's really an untenable situation and of course my poor mother is right in the middle of it. Christmas is not happening this year for us, though we might salvage New Year's...it sucks.

Hi ~ I'm sure it's difficult dealing with your Dad. So often, parents think that they know TOTALLY what is best for us, forgetting that We are adults too!

What if you printed out some information about Lithium, i.e. the bad side effects, the "lithium shuffle", and any info you can find that might make him think twice about this? Seeing things in PRINT sometimes helps --- it seems they won't believe US but if they see it written down by someone else, it must be true. LOL

I applaud you for trying more natural supplements to take care of your problem, but make sure you're still open to medication if the need should arise. I wish you the very best, and hope that the situation with your Dad improves!

God bless & Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year. Hugs, Lee

Are you under the care of a psychiatrist who has recommended lithium or is this your Dad assuming the role as the MD?

Are you currently on medications?

A tad more background info: my mother is on a virtual cocktail of meds, for clinical depression, without which she would likely not be here. So, my father has ample knowledge of pharmaceuticals and does his homework. The issue really boils down to his being a control freak, and his continued hammering on the issue of lithium is part of that pattern. But pls don't misunderstand where I am coming from...my refusal to take lithium is not some juvenile reaction to his badgering but rather a decision I've made, at least for the present, to not be medicated.

With regard to my current meds, see above...I take only fish oil, gingko biloba and St. John's Wort. Some days, this regimen seems to work brilliantly, esp. in combination with lots of work and exercise, other days, not so much. That is to say, when I got his email, it basically threw a wrench in the works. I fear that the fallout from my mental health issues over the last decade or so, may be irreparable and at a time when he most needs me, due to the current state of his health, I feel distinctly estranged, esp after yesterday's note from him, which blindsided me.

Blindsides at holidays are particularly hard. Hang in there.