[avoice]

I have a 24 year Daughter that treats me like crap. Always wonder about Her. We never got the bond when she was a newborn. She ask and ask I feel the need to please her all the time. No thank you she's just a sad face. Sometimes when were in the same room she acts like she texting so I think she doing something and that's my clue to shut up don't say a word. We don't talk about mother daughter stuff never have. I haven't a clue what that's like. She got pregneant at 16 the baby didn't make it and than again at 18 than again 21 than again 24. I used to count sheep when I couldn't sleep now I count babies. My foster mom says to me why let her treat you like that. I have no answer to tell her. My foster mom says you never treated me like that that's because I know it's wrong. I offered therapy she refused my other two had therapy when they were little. The bad thing my husband dosen't stick up for me. Never has that's something he lacks in it makes me so mad. I do love her it is what it is. Guess this is something we will take to our grave. She hates me for something. like something evil in her.

[alliwantislove]

ever tried talking to her? asking why she acts the way she does? there is always a reason to actions. the last thing u want do to is take it to ur grave. try and fix it while u still can. again mayb it cant b fixed some people are just miserable. but try.

does she know how u feel about her that u DO love her?

[AAAAA]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also have an adult daughter and I have to say that it is the most difficult relationship in my life. I love her just as much as I love her brothers but I think mothers and daughters just clash sometimes. Particularly at this age L

I have to accept that she makes decisions in her life that I do not agree with. But I remember being that age and thinking I had all the answers myself. On the other hand, I do not tolerate her treating me with disrespect. When she lashes out I tell her that I love her, but she cannot speak to me like that. Sometimes it is simply a misunderstanding. I will say one thing and she hears another and it takes that “um, where in the hell did that come from” to straighten it out.

I think your husband’s reaction is quite common. The issue is between you and your daughter so him jumping into the mix would only complicate the matter in my opinion.

I too would recommend sitting down and talking to her. Let her know that you love her, but that love no longer includes allowing her to treat you like dirt.

[missbelle]

Is she still residing at home? If that is the case maybe its time to let her move out.Sounds like no one is happy and maybea little distance will help.....

[ohlala]

I had a (telephone) confrontation with my daughter, 24, last night. Thankfully it was just hours after my therapy appt. and the dr. and I had discussed how best to handle the interactions I have repeatedly encountered with her throughout the years. The T-doc helped me formulate (for want of a better word) a "script" that I could use to express my feelings about her lying, manipulation, disrespect, etc., and also what I need from her insofar as changes of interaction and behavior. And T-doc also told me that since I would be changing the way I was communicating with her that she would most likely react with anger and attempt to twist the communication back to a level where she could be in charge of it. Well, it all played out exactly as the T-doc predicted. I don't know what the future will hold but I do know that I cannot have a relationship with my daughter because I can't trust a word that she says.

She has 2 beautiful and healthy babies (2 years and 7 mos.) but repeatedly puts her own self-interest above the children. Over the years she has come up with every diagnostic label to justify her behavior. And she blames everyone and every institution for her repeated failures and will not accept any personal responsibility. She's blown every wonderful opportunity (many were made available to her more than once) to get an education, develop marketable skills, or establish a career. Her own best thinking got her where she is today. Neither she nor her husband can support themselves and now they are relying on his mother to provide shelter, transportation, childcare, etc. Peripherally, they have also managed to "con" his aunt and grandmother into giving them money. Of course, there are drugs involved. Now he's in a 90-day rehab (which Grandmom and Aunt are paying for). My daughter is very jealous of that, so now she has quit (after 4 weeks) one of the 25-50 jobs she has deserted and rather than be a responsible parent she is now claiming that she too has an overwhelming "drug problem" and must go into a rehab or an intensive IOP program, which of course will absolve her of caring for the children and MIL will care for them 24/7.

5 weeks ago she mentioned this "jealousy" she had, that husband was away and how she resented that she had to care for the children "single-handedly", which by the way was not true since MIL is caring for them. She was so distraught, hysterical, and depressed and couldn't pay for a psych eval. (no insurance), nor could she stand to wait 5 weeks for the appt. she had at the community facility. So Mommy (me) agreed to private pay for a psychiatrist ($300) with the understanding that she was to explain that she would not be able to become a regular patient but that she needed meds until she could go the community facility. I then paid for the medications that were prescribed. Subsequently I found out that she lied about what medications had been prescribed. She told me 2 of them, (psych meds), but there were actually 3 meds, one of which was Klonopin, a medication, according to my doctor, which would not have been prescribed to anyone with an addiction problem. So she must have lied to the psychaitrist as well. She also lied to me about quitting her job. I have been through scenarios like this (in one form or another) since she was 15 years old. And even before that, there were school, behavior, lying, deceit and stealing issues. All of these were addressed as they occured through therapy, medication, interventions etc.

I was divorced when she was 2, remarried when she was 5. She saw her father (who also remarried) on visitations. Her step-mother treated her with love, kindness and respect. Her step-father did the same and always wanted the best for her. There was no abuse (sexual or otherwise) or neglect in her formative years. She comes from an upper-middle class background. She had swimming, dance, gymnastic and horseback riding lessons, sleep-away camp, and private tutoring when her math skills fell behind. She participated in school sports and went to every prom and dance outfitted to the nines. She has travelled internationally with me and with her father. She scored highly on her SAT's and was accepted to every college she applied to and was offered scholarships.

I am accepting responsibilty for whatever my part has been to enable her behavior but I will no longer enable. My husband and I, along with the other grandparents (excepting her father who has literally washed his hands of her) are putting the needs of the grandchildren first. I have a feeling that at some time in the future (and I believe it will be sooner rather than later) a crisis will occur that may trigger the state stepping in to decide who can properly care for the children. And we have made it known that should this occur we will be there for whatever the children need, meaning we will share reponsibility for their upbringing if that's what's required. I am so sickened by all of this. It has taken it's toll on me (and my relationship with my husband) for so many years. Others have told me I did nothing wrong, I gave her love, nurturing, and care. I have never felt that she really loved me and I often looked at the relationships other moms and daughters had and realized that just wasn't what we had. I used to feel anger, then sorrow, but now I really don't feel anything. Just that I want to be able to step up and be a responsible grandparent to two innocents.

Thank you for leting me vent.

[Feiticeira]

When I was using drugs, I was horrible to my mom. From about 18-23 until I was able to get clean I wasn't able to see my behavior. Though I do feel like I'm very close to my mom now and try to show her the respect she deserves, I can't take back the horrible things I did and said to her when I was high (I was a monster).

Maybe your daughter needs to get through her addictions before she can see how her actions are hurting others. It's very common for a drug addict to blame the world for their problems and deny any self accountability.

You might want to check out al-anon for families and friends of addicts.

[ohlala]

Originally Posted by Feiticeira

When I was using drugs, I was horrible to my mom. From about 18-23 until I was able to get clean I wasn't able to see my behavior. Though I do feel like I'm very close to my mom now and try to show her the respect she deserves, I can't take back the horrible things I did and said to her when I was high (I was a monster).

Maybe your daughter needs to get through her addictions before she can see how her actions are hurting others. It's very common for a drug addict to blame the world for their problems and deny any self accountability.

You might want to check out al-anon for families and friends of addicts.

My husband and I paid for a 28 day rehab for her when she was 18 at a very exclusive facility. While there she refused to participate in any family meetings and signed herself out AMA after 21 days. We didn't even know that because she lied about it and HIPA rules are such that we could not get any information from the facility. Then the truth came out and again, her pleading, crying and ultimatims, ie. "if you don't do this, then I'm going to do that". So then it was into another rehab (at another facility) and when she came out she continued making unreasonable demands, such as "I can't live with YOU! I need my own place and I want you to pay for it! (Her roommates at the apt. where she had been living had thrown her out). I called her biological father and said I could not put her out on the street, so he came and took her to live with him. He tried to help her but again she screwed up. She met another manipulative addict at a 12-Step meeting and became pregnant, married him 2 months before the baby was born, and a year later became pregnant again (unplanned). We bought them a washer and dryer because they were "renting" and did not make payments, so the company took the washer/dryer. They have been evicted from 2 apartments (family members, ourselves included, were always paying their rents and utilities but we could not continue). The car that we put a large downpayment on with the understanding that they were able to afford the payments with their income (both were working at the time) insurance, etc. after we went over and established a budget for them was repossessed when only one more payment was due. Then another family member bought them a car, there were mechanical problems, and even though she offered to pay for repair they abandoned the car.
I've been to Al-anon meetings. I can't deal with her anymore. Maybe she'll recover and maybe she won't. Maybe he will recover and maybe he won't. With the track record they've established I would say realistically the odds are not very good. With a clear heart and mind I can say that I, as well as my husband and all the other relatives have done as much as possible. I won't be a part of the games she plays any longer. I care only about the welfare of my granddaughters.

[ohlala]

I'm sorry for hijacking this thread. When I read the OP's post and was in the middle of dealing with the issues with my 24 y.o. daughter it just set me off and I snapped. Well, at least it was a safe snap here on the forum. Again, I'm sorry please accept my apology and to the OP I really feel your pain. Hope you are successful in dealing with the situation.

[avoice]

Did I say anything about that She's a drug user. No I didn't She is not a drug user never was. You don't have to be a drug user to act like that towards your mother.

((((((((avoice))))))))--went through mucho wit me 34 year old daughter...the fights!

We didn't speak for years at a time...most recent was over a year...but she had to move out when she was 18...we could not get along. I was alone with her...I know what you mean about hubby...why don't they stand and present a united front? I know mine was abusing her...that was when I had him "removed"?

Then it was us...she got boyfriends in when I worked all night...ugh...she and her boyfriend beat me up once...wow...ick to remember...Well! I tell ya, I changed the locks on the door....ha ha...told her she was always welcome, but she had to ring bell and speak civily to me...no coising!!! She turned that into a "proud" thing...
stayed out all night in her car...scared me silly! UGGA BUGGA! So she moved out.

Went through mucho...used to call me in the middle of the night to help her with various things.....eh...she's a woman grown now, with a kid of her own...going back to school...doing it all on her own. Marriage is going bad now, just heard from her...
Overjoyed to hear...but, her life is hers.

I like being a Nana...no more playing the "heavy" with either of my kids or grandkids.. I keep my distance...more peaceful that way...and fun...no mess, no emotional drama...ha, after a whole year of silence betwixt us, she called...and sounds like she "needs" me again. I was "obtuse"...listened and praised her for her fortitude...then she invited me to Christmas--ha ha..."What should I buy for you to cook, ma...no one makes Christmas like you do"--oops...no. I so tired of all that. No, eight years of holidays on my own? Quiet? No money to spend...no messes to clean...I just enjoy the time as quiet, comforting for me...in "heavenly peace"!!

I can only say, don't take it. Tell her to speak respectfully, or move out...with dee on this ((((avoice))))--you aren't alone...my daughter still doesn't respect me...

eh, the more ya do for them...the more they want.........live your own life! xo theo

(and whats with you being "drunk"? Dop it!!! needs ya here......sillydilly!)