[kdclement]

Ok, so I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now with a woman that I adore and love so much but it seems that we just aren't getting along for very long before something happens and boom we're fighting and bickering about stupid little things. This weekend I bought curtains and when we opened them she shoved me out of the way, when I said something to her she became defensive that I'd accused her of doing something she didn't do and that I'd made it up. I'm not here to point fingers at my partner but i'm so frustrated because I'm not sure how to get the trust and intimacy back into our relationship. I love her so much but my bipolar causes me to over react at times and I see things so differently that it causes problems.

Please help me

[Leed]

Well, I don't think "shoving you out of the way" is a very loving thing to do! Does she do things like this often? Is she usually short with you or does she snap at you? Maybe this "long distance" relationship is getting to her. Is there any way one of you could move closer to the other?

Long distance relationships don't always work out -- you're lucky yours has lasted for 3 years! You might need to make some changes.

Best of luck! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[lad007]

As Bipolar people we do see things differently at times. We need partners who are accepting of that fact and willing to make adjustments in their behavior, or at the very least be willing to have an open dialogue about it. Sometimes my husband will say something to me that will hurt or offend me and I have to ask how he meant that, and he explains that I am being oversensitive, or if I am overtired and cranky he will be aware of that also, and not make too many demands on me.
So it takes a special person to be in a relationship with us. I would have an open discussion about this, and make sure your love is willing to support you with your bipolar, or if it is too much for them.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by kdclement

and when we opened them she shoved me out of the way

Hi, kdclement; I am not sure I understand. I cannot picture this in my mind's eye? What was the "purpose" of her shoving you out of the way? Out of the way of what? Did she try to take over opening the curtains or were you standing somehow blocking her access to something? What was said, if anything?

but my bipolar causes me to over react at times and I see things so differently that it causes problems.

Good communication usually happens at the time one experiences an event. My husband once struck me and I instantly asked, "Why did you hit me?" Communication requires checking one's understanding and/or using "I" sentences. I could have said, "I am angry that you hit me." We need to tell the other person we are engaged with what is going on with us, first!

My husband explained why he hit me, I had put both of us in danger. I agreed with his assessment of the situation, apologized and we went on with my being more careful.

If I had let him know I was angry (and why) he could have given his view of the incident and we could have gone back and forth until we were in agreement or had an understanding we each individually felt was right. If I had not agreed with my husband's view of the situation, I would have used more I sentences to express my boundaries and what I was going to do (anger is information that you feel threatened and need to do something to protect yourself; it is not an "action" (i.e., it is not yelling or screaming or punching walls or hurting another) of its own). I might have finished with, "I will not tolerate being hit. Do not ever hit me again or I will leave."

But I do not understand your push out of the way. If she thought you were in danger, that's a good thing. But since she later claimed to not know what you were talking about (which is why communication right away is important), whatever happened probably was not that great, in an average scheme of things, to be concerned about. If she had knocked you down, she would have remembered that

If she was good-naturedly pushing you aside so she could get in front of the window too and succeeded in doing that and you did not say/do anything, that would be a "seamless" positive experience to her and she might not remember "parts"?

Again, that is why it is important to report any feelings you have while with another, so each person's experience can be as positive as possible. As it is, she had a neutral/positive experience and you, apparently, had a negative one and now, later, you are discussing the negative one and implying it was her fault. That discussion has to be a negative one (as in math, a positive times a negative equals a negative :-)

[kdclement]

Thank you for the responses, it has helped me feel less alone and hopeless. So, I'm working on getting my cna so I can move to be closer. In the meantime I'm going to counseling and taking care of myself the best I can. I'm feeling so exhausted lately but I have zumba class in the morning....take care