[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So the summary of the story is:
Around June my boyfriend advised me of his intentions on proposing. He wanted to use his family heirloom for my ring but his mother said she could not find it (although I don't know if that is true, I have a feeling she just doesn't like me but she's been super nice to me from day 1 so it could be all in my head).

August rolls around and during a very upsetting moment I told him I wanted to marry him, that I wanted to do it relatively soon (within a year and a half) and we agreed once we were done with school we would get married.

Due to that upsetting moment, it caused my world to go spiralling down. I became an emotional wreck and our relationship suffered. We are climbing back up in the relationship and my emotions are somewhat stabalizing but during that turmoil I asked him if he changed his mind about marrying me. He said maybe we should wait. Later on I asked him if he ever planned to since he said maybe we should wait and he says the only reason he said to wait is because that's what he thought I wanted.

So now here we are and I don't know what we are going to do. But I love him, I want to be with him, I want to marry him. I want our relationship to be right through God. I don't know what to do. Will it ever be normal? Will we ever have a normal engagement if any at all? Should I just go ahead and ask him again? I'm tired of waiting to know, we've been together 2.5 years and I don't want to keep waiting but I don't want to overburden him with marriage talk. What do I do?

Sorry guess I couldn't make it as short as I planned. Thanks for listening!

[horseontheloose]

Well life is full of up and downs and spirals. When your relationship is solid, you both ride those waves and help each other through them. Sounds like you might want to wait a little longer. It doesn't hurt to wait and relax about it all. I wish you all the best.

[Yoda]

You no longer want to wait until you are finished with school?

[JLarissaDragon]

Love is a strange emotion in that it has highs and lows and it is never constant. Marriage is a big commitment. I would not pretend to know what is going on with him, but his hesitancy could be due to any of a number of reasons. Maybe he s concerned about the future, his family, who knows unless you talk about it. If you are sure he is the one and you are secure in that I would focus on helping him reach the same level of commitment. You can do that best by love rather than nagging or ultimatiums GOOD LUCK - I am rooting for you!

[Perna]

I was going to ask, as Yoda implied, have you finished school yet? If you decided to wait and get married after you finished school, I would work on that and then bring up the subject, not "now" when it is not the original time.

I waited five years to marry my husband, until the time was right for both of us and he could propose.

[babyfishmouth]

It sounds like you have some things to work out within yourself. I'd do that before taking the next step. He's still there, which is a good sign. Pressuring him may change that. Good luck!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thanks for all the replies. I don't want to marry him right now, I still want to finish school. He will should be done with school in 7 months and I have another year left. We had originally discussed once we finished school but now even that was called off. It kind of leaves me wondering what will happen when we finish school, if I'm going to be one of those women who wait 15 years in a relationship before he asks her. But I am christian and I would rather not wait 15 years for it to no longer be a sin. Either way as of right now I know we're not financially ready, I'd just much rather have it as a possibility for a year to two years from not and not 15 years from now.

[Irreplaceable]

I'm confused about the waiting 15 years thing related to being a sin....Aside from that, a sin is a sin...Are you sleeping together? That would be a sin if you are...I don't believe in putting a time limit/rushing things on huge life commitments such as marriage, buying a home etc etc...I think that you should move at your own pace and let the relationship go at it's own pace instead of rushing things...You're rushing...All based on a time table...It's ok to have a time limit on when you would like to be married or what is acceptable to you, but why rush it when it seems like you two still have things you need to work out and the finances aren't there yet? Don't you want to do things the right way? Everything else aside, why rush a marriage when you aren't financially ready? You two will be starting out on the wrong foot, in debt...Slow down..Things will work out...If this is the man for you, it doesn't matter if the marriage happens now or two years from now...He will be there...He has shown that he is with you no matter what...And another thing, this whole 15 year thing...Listen to this...There are people who live together (and not married) for a long time who have better and stronger relationships than people who are married...Again, why rush? I get the whole thing about being a christian...I understand that...And I understand the whole sin thing...But like I said, a sin is a sin...But make sure that this happens when the time is right....

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Yeah it's the premarital thing. It's a pretty big part of our relationship, we have a very active adult relationship and I've struggled for a long time to find and have God in my life with my past, it's been such a hard road. And I feel guilty continuing this premarital sexual relationship with no plans even of getting married at the moment. I know that abstinence would help solve this but... I don't want to scare him away. I know how screwed up that sounds. Well if he loves you than he will respect your boundaries and will stay with you if that is what you want. Well I don't know if I want to know if he would stay or not if we became abstinant. I also because of my history, have a difficult time telling others no. I will do it if I have to but with him, I wouldn't want to say no. But if I changed and tried the abstinance thing than I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no to him. It could put a whole new strain on me, a new complication for me. Another rough patch in the relationship.

I'm really torn right now, I know the "mature" "responsible" "socially correct" thing to do. I'm already divorced and only 24. I watch young girls getting their third divorce and they are my age. I don't want anything close to that and I know better than that. But things click so well with him and I. We fit together so perfect. We ALWAYS finish eachothers sentences even when they are random sentences. It's so easy to get along with him, he keeps me calm when I'm having a manic episode. He's made me feel safer than anyone else alive. Makes me laugh, I feel so comfortable talking to him about almost anything. He really is someone that I could see continuing to make me happy 80 years from now. But I know I'm still young, so is he, no need to "rush" into things but when you think about it, 2 years isn't rushing especially when I still want that year or two to finish up school before we do it, than it would have been 3-3.5 years. 3-3.5 years of living in sin, something I'm not comfortable with. I'm trying to get closer to God but I feel this may push him away from me and that is the last thing I want. So I'm stuck in a confusing cycle until something happens, we get married or we stop having premarital sex, and by stopping that I'm afraid it would end the relationship. He may not leave me over it but I can already see the troubles that would entail...

[Irreplaceable]

I see...This makes more sense now...You're conflicted...You want to do more so of the right thing by God, but you're torn between the fact that it may end up pushing him (bf) away...Understood...And what you have with him, I must say, it's special...There are not alot of people that can say what you said about their mate...I would say then, it doesn't hurt to revisit the conversation of marriage...You know what you want, he knows what he wants...And it's each other....Talk about it again and maybe you can discuss getting engaged and set a time frame for when you want to do it...You two will be starting your lives together and having school out of the way would be a good stress free way of starting out...Only you know what you want...Pray on it...Talk...Set a time frame...You really only have two options...Either wait, or do it now...There are pros and cons for both...I'll admit, this is a hard situation...God please forgive me for asking this but I have to...Well, I won't ask...I'll just say that there are "other things" that you can do to satisfy him sexually...Is that considered a sin? Not sure...Those "other things" in most cases, are good enough for men in replace of actual sex...Ask him...He probably will agree...Good luck with your decision...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Possibly triggering***

Thank you! I appreciate the understanding and the advice and it is something I will definately consider. What you were mentioning... Something for him... Turns out the opposite (being done for me) is a rather large trigger for me. He doesn't know and doesn't know why but it really is. I just have to find a way to offer for him but distract him from myself, I don't want that kind of trigger. He may know by now I don't know, he seems to really pick up on how I'm feeling even when I try to hide it from him. He's stopped trying to do things for me because of this trigger but IDK if he realizes why I always turned it down or if he thinks it's just not something I want to do. Either way I don't know if it makes a difference as long as he knows that it's not something I feel comfortable with.

With abusive childhoods it's rather common for the child to learn to start blaming themselves and for the child to develop a much higher set of standards for themselves over anyone else. I've realized that I do this with myself, I expect the absolute most from myself and will accept nothing less. I feel like others, mostly including God, judge me more strongly than anyone else, this being said I feel that what I am doing, whenever I sin, that it is unforgivable to him. I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins (sorry if this is changing subject or if it should have been in the spiritual forum) but I feel I have sinned more than I was allowed and now any sin I commit is unforgivable so this is causing a lot of inner turmoil right now. Perhaps as you said revisiting the subject and offering an alternative to what we have now until the time comes would work... Worth a try right? Thanks again

[LylaJean]

Hey Purple-

I'm glad there's actually someone out there that I can identify with when it comes to this!! My husband and I, I'll call him G, were just like the two of you. I was not a virgin when I met him, he was, and we're both Christian. And we had premarital sex. We both really beat ourselves up about it, but, once you start, how do you go back from that? We were both in college and knew that we wanted to get married, and living in sin was rough on both of us. We talked about it a lot and it became overwhelming, just not knowing what to do. For valentine's day last year, he bought me a puppy. I had been very depressed and really struggling, and that little dog was just what I needed to pull me out of my horrible funk. He had gotten her for me because he wanted to take care of me, and that was all he knew to do that would help. I'll never forget it as the most important thing that happened in 2010! Because of that, I knew I wanted to marry G, and I decided that I was going to propose. It was a weird revelation for me, but I was so, so sure. I got him a ring, asked his parents for his hand, etc, and one morning when he came over to wake me up I had written "Will you marry me? Please??" on my stomach in sharpie marker. We got married a little over a month later on the front lawn of our college, where we met. A huge, huge part of us getting married so early was because we knew it was "better to marry than to live in lust". And I won't lie, it's hard. We're young (21) and not done with school. We bought a house and we live a good life, work hard, love deeply, but it's not all fun and games and I don't recommend marriage to everyone. If you're meant to marry you'll know. Talk to him about it but don't exhaust him with it. It's perfectly acceptable for a woman to take the upper hand and propose if you're in that kind of a relationship!! I think in G and I's relationship, he was the one who wanted all of the commitment most and I was more of a "free spirit", so by me proposing, it was a bigger deal. I knew he wanted to get married but he didn't know that I did. Does any of this make sense? I know I'm just blathering on.

Main point: having premarital sex when you're convicted it's wrong will take a toll of your spiritual well-being. You can continue to drag yourself down spiritually or you can take control and make a change. I don't necessarily feel like giving bj's or whatever else will get you out of the "premarital sex" category. I mean, what's the difference, really? I almost think the other stuff you can do for sexual gratification can be much more graphic than just having sex. I hope I don't sound judgmental cuz I've absolutely been in your shoes and I know what it's like.