[learningtoaccept]

This is a tough difference between us. I am working on getting meds for my social phobia and will be starting a group in February. It's just that we spend a lot of time together and he likes to spend his free time socializing as much as possible. We had a small argument the other day because he took me to his friend's party and when we left I told him I would not be returning to the next one. I had to explain my social phobia that night, so it's a new piece of information to him. It doesn't matter what we are doing though, we could be shopping in another city and he somehow knows the people working in the stores. And then I have to stand uncomfortably beside him while he has a conversation, which I've told him I don't want to do and he suggested I "join in the conversation." So, I guess he still has a hard time understanding how it makes me feel. I know I personally have to work on it though, so what can I do right now to help?

[unaluna]

There is an article in the new york times, yesterday (monday dec 26) about an asperger's couple, where the girl was originally dating a very social. You can read it online (you can read 20 articles on nytimes.com free per month). You might find it interesting?
.c

[Perna]

I practice conversations with grocery store and other clerks, library check out clerks, etc. when I have to be out. That way, if I'm with another person in a strange situation I can occasionally figure out how to comment and be part of their conversation in some way.

If you don't want to have to comment, you could just stand and listen like you do anyway; all those times, nothing bad has happened to you, practice learning to pay attention to the conversation instead of what the inside of your head is telling you about how bad you feel, etc.?

[Callmebj]

Originally Posted by learningtoaccept

This is a tough difference between us. I am working on getting meds for my social phobia and will be starting a group in February. It's just that we spend a lot of time together and he likes to spend his free time socializing as much as possible. We had a small argument the other day because he took me to his friend's party and when we left I told him I would not be returning to the next one. I had to explain my social phobia that night, so it's a new piece of information to him. It doesn't matter what we are doing though, we could be shopping in another city and he somehow knows the people working in the stores. And then I have to stand uncomfortably beside him while he has a conversation, which I've told him I don't want to do and he suggested I "join in the conversation." So, I guess he still has a hard time understanding how it makes me feel. I know I personally have to work on it though, so what can I do right now to help?

Hi, Sorry about your social avoidance. I am a social person and have
not had problems with talking to others. However, putting yourself
in the shoes of your partner; how do you think he feels about having his
socialability pulled out from under him? I was married to an anti-social person for many years. He was usually spoiling my good times with leaving
parties and such early. I kept us social, with lots of dinner parties and lots of card parties. He got over a lot of this anti-social problem after a time.

Once you know other people, I think it would be easier. I don't think your being uncomfortable while he is conversing with others is particularly necessary. Think of him, and his having a good time instead of being so
drawn within yourself around other people.

One person suggested talking to the clerks at dept stores or at the grocers, would be good practice for you. I do that often and have never
had someone snub me while engaging them in conversation. Either that or get a big sign to hang around your neck saying "S__T, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME ARE YOU?" LOL, just kidding of course, but do realize that an awful lot of people will consider you a snob.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by learningtoaccept

This is a tough difference between us. I am working on getting meds for my social phobia and will be starting a group in February. It's just that we spend a lot of time together and he likes to spend his free time socializing as much as possible. We had a small argument the other day because he took me to his friend's party and when we left I told him I would not be returning to the next one. I had to explain my social phobia that night, so it's a new piece of information to him. It doesn't matter what we are doing though, we could be shopping in another city and he somehow knows the people working in the stores. And then I have to stand uncomfortably beside him while he has a conversation, which I've told him I don't want to do and he suggested I "join in the conversation." So, I guess he still has a hard time understanding how it makes me feel. I know I personally have to work on it though, so what can I do right now to help?

I have it too and this is a tough bridge to gap. I don't know what to tell you, unfortunately, I've avoided romantic relationships my whole life because of this very thing. I am working on trying to find someone who is at least a little shy.

Maybe you can at least take comfort in knowing that he does want you to come with him to parties and introduce you to his friends...meaning he didn't think you were embarrassing or "had a problem" before you shared about your disorder with him. Have you taken him to anything you like to do?

[lido78]

I used to have similar anxiety when meeting new people...at parties, I used to sneak upstairs to play with the dog or any children the hosts might have. But, I kind of grew out of it when I moved into the city 18 years ago...there is always someone to talk to, and I eventually came to like walking down the street and always running into someone I knew. Honestly, some folks have the most amazing stories...

I like the suggestion that if you do not feel comfortable talking, practice being a good listener....there are too few of these around anyway!

Do you know if there is a specific cause to your social phobia?

[Severijn]

Hi learning to accept.

In the short-term there are not many solutions you can easily use. But maybe medications can give temporary relief. But really, when it comes to social anxiety, using medications mostly mask underlying causes and take away a genuine opportunity for you to grow as a person.

When you have social anxiety, you have to take full responsibility for your social life and social skills. Other people cannot socialize for you, so to speak. You have to make conversations happen. There are no easy quick-fixes for this. It requires the right knowledge, time, and effort, and a willingness to learn from mistakes. In the beginning when overcoming social anxiety mistakes are bound to be made. But there's no other way than to learn from them and move on.

I think your best bet in overcoming SAD (and sad is something you can overcome, I've done it myself) is to read a lot of self-help books about social skills, relationships, and communication tips. Armed with this knowledge you should put it into practice (just reading is not enough). Amazon.com is a good place to search for book that help you overcome social anxiety, and besides audio tapes from Brian Tracy or Tony Robbins can also help.

I just hope you don't put all your hope on only medications and therapy. To overcome it it takes more than that. Really important is learning to set realistic and attainable social goals. If you learn this and master this, I'm sure you can beat your social anxiety. (Btw, using Imagery or Visualisation is also useful for overcoming sad... mentally practicing social situations in your mind).

It's a great feeling when you want to socialize only for the sake of socializing. You don't care about what is being said, or what the purpose of the conversation is. You just like to join in, talk, and have a good time. I hope you get to that point.