[abeautifulmind]

Please. I need your opinions on this. I think there is nothing wrong but everyone seems to be telling me that my way of thinking, obsessions and paranoia is mental health problems

My mind has been all over the place and I can`t stop thinking. Everything is a thought and people can see that. I must continue my studying and the more I learn, the more success I will have in life. I am sick of doing nothing & not knowing wtf I want in life.

I have hardly been out this week because I have to accomplish the learning. I took a break today but couldn`t sleep until 5a or so because all I could do was read and read and read. It is fun and I learn so much even though I can`t help but to skip from topic to topic because everything catches my eye..but people are telling me it`s messing up my mind. I have always had an erratic personality and constantly jumping from one thing to another but at the end of the day, I am still learning. I don`t think educating is messing up my mind.

I am mainly focusing on learning everything I can about Psychology and Psychiatry. I spent 5 hours on Mathematics last night and loved it but that is just my hobby. My main area is Psychology. I have mental illness according to the doctors and my psychiatrist; been diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD. In my first hospital, they were trying to treat me for Schizophrenia. I think it is all a bunch of balls to be honest. I enjoy learning about behaviour and why people are the way they are but the labels really frustrate me; I am highly against medication. It will only block my yearn for learning and has done so in the past. The medication was what made me dumb and now I have been off it for a while, I have this obsession to want to learn everything. To be smart and SUCCEED.

My goal? Oxford or Cambridge. My parents are both academic but that is NOT the reason I have this goal. I have this goal because I want to MAKE something out of my life and be successful; People always talking behind my back telling me how unintelligent I am. My mother, my best friend, his mum, my therapists all believe that I am very intelligent but the rest of the world want to see me fail. I won`t let that happen.

I have always been told that I have things wrong with my personality but have come to the understanding that there is no such thing as mental illness. Some days I believe there truly is such thing but I think it is just a fancy way of saying that someone is 'different' and aren`t different people the most interesting and, apparently, successful ones in history? For example, look at Albert Einstein! He was considered absolutely insane and looked it and look at his dang list of accomplishments!

We all have abnormalities but I think I am saner than most people in this world. The people they call "normal" - they are more 'crazy' than they claim I am. I have always been interested in the performing arts, especially stage acting, and acting out different roles but, despite my love for this, I want to know where it all comes from. Why people are the way they are!

I just been on the phone with my boyfriend. I told him I can`t be in a relationship. I have to be alone and focus on my ambitions and career. He was a barrier and distraction because I don`t know if he will suddenly turn around and rise against me He said he sounded so confused and said that he will always be there for me but I don`t need anybody`s help. If I want something done in life, I have to do it myself. I don`t believe in love and people will only try to stop you so they can succeed if you allow them too close to you.

People have been saying that I can`t isolate myself. I am not isolating myself. I can trust my best friend and his mum with my life; I have known them so long and they have never done anything to hurt me; but I can`t trust the other people in my contact. I can`t be involved in those that could and will stop me from pursuing my life. I won`t let anyone close in my life. People always have a secret motive and I won`t let them kill me. I`ve made a good decision.

So this is what has been on my mind for days. Only I have the courage to make something happen and here it is. 2012 will be good for me. I have so many goals to obtain and it WILL happen.

Is this right? I thought I would ask here.
I was getting agitated by what people have been saying. I need an opinion from a forum like this where people actually know what they are talking about.

Apologies if this was all over the place. That`s how my mind is right now

[abeautifulmind]

EDIT -- I have it all sorted. Sorry about this long, random post. xD.

Honestly, you really do sound manic right now. The extreme focus/goals to the exclusion of other things; the lack of sleep; the grandiosity; the racing thoughts. Perhaps you need to listen to the people who are observing what you are doing and saying and are concerned about you.

[Severijn]

Hi a beautifilmind.

I hear some good and some less than good things in your post.

I get this feeling your are pushing yourself too hard to reach your goals. I'm not saying you should quit your activities and studying, but be sure to take enough brakes and get enough sleep. In the long run you run the risk of mentally exhausting yourself.

Secondly, you sound a little too suspicious of other people. They often say that to succeed in life it's all about who you know in life. I honestly don't think other people want you to fail. They probably don't care that much, perhaps a handful do care. (If people like you, they want you to succeed even). Pushing people away is not the answer; it could be a form of self-sabotage.

But it's great that you have aspirations and goals. You don't have to throw them away and I don't think your friends want this either. But I think they are a little worried by the way you go after you goals. Criticism of people around you is often/sometimes right, and it's not a way to undermine your actions to succeed.

[sandworm]

Hello abeautiful mind.

I find it hard to believe I am saying this but......
you claim there is no such thing as a mental illness. :O
I would disagree and it sounds like schizophrenic thought process and
mania to me to ear such a claim. Illness is equal with disease, disease
being DIS or lack of, ..ease..
Your mind sounds like you have great creativity. Einstein I feel had this
some *focus* on ideas to solve the unsolvable, like watching a
quarter fall while in an elevator to suss out the time displacement postulated to
be experienced at light or near light speeds of travel.
The manic state to me, is different from high creativity in that
in coming back to the writings at a latter time , or someone else reading the
thoughts, an insight or many insights can be gleaned.... is creativity,
the manic state is little more than just the body mimicing a speed (cocaine) rush
and making us feel like we are being amazing when really our brain is pumping
out garage and good.. or euphoric feelings.

Ask yourself, am I truly being creative or does it just feel like I am.?

SW

[Perna]

If you cannot take care of yourself; do not eat and rest so as to not make yourself physically ill, cannot work at a job to make a living to pay for food, shelter, clothing, books :-) then you have a problem.