[lynn P.]

Sorry this is long. My youngest (10yrs) has this school friend. This friend started a new school this year. It started out she offered to take my daughter with her and a couple other girls to the movies through out the years. She then would ask for a play date at my house, but it was really babysitting because she would bring her a 8:15 in the morning. It was always on our day off and we don't like to wake early on those days.

Since she moved to the other school I figured it wouldn't be happening. Here in Canada we have PA days ever couple months and its a day off school - she called me a month and a half ago and I said no. Sometimes I tell a white lie to spare her feelings. She called twice in a row the other day when me and the girls were still sleeping. As I was getting breakfast, my husband calls me from work and he said she called him, to ask him to get hold of me - she wanted to plan a movie date. I felt this was so pushy.

I asked my daughter if she wanted to go and she doesn't. We're all bushed from the holidays and 2 birthdays. She also senses the pushy nature. She then called our home and my oldest answered - the mom wanted me to call her. I was so bothered that I couldn't call her back - I chickened out. Later that evening which was yesterday, her daughter called my youngest and my daughter made it clear we were busy and not available at all.

Today the mom called again! My oldest has more courage than me and told her we're not available and when we have done the babysitting in the past, we find the early hour hard on our day off. She also told her, my youngest made this clear yesterday. I know when she invites my daughter for the movies, it means I have to repay the favor by babysitting all day. I don't like it and I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to voice how I feel. A normal person would get the hint that we don't want to babysit. I've never asked any mom to babysit or invite her to someone elses house. She also brings her with no breakfast. Last time I gave her a choice of cereal, eggs or a waffle and she said pancake...so I had to mix home made pancakes. She's not like a normal person and doesn't get the regular hints.

[Lyzzyy]

Yeah, that does sound a bit too pushy. There are people who lack some common sense, maybe she is one of them. Maybe she doesn't even know it is bothering you. I think you should try talking to her and telling straight out, since she doesn't seem to be getting the hints. Perhaps you can tell her that you like to sleep in and that you like to plan other things to do on your day off other than babysitting. I'm sure you won't hurt her feelings if you tell her in a nice way. She will probably get more hurt or mad if you keep ignoring her calls, plus it is always better to be honest about things... At least that's what I think

[lynn P.]

Thank you for your reply Lyzzyy and I know you're correct. I've tried in the past to let her down easy and make excuses. I feel the average person would get the hint. If she does this again, I'm just going to say a simple "no" with nothing after.

I think women especially find it hard to say no, because we want people to like us and we're afraid to say no. I've even given this advice but I failed to follow it myself this time. There isn't much she or anyone can say, if I say "no" and that's what I'll do next time. I really don't care what she thinks at this point because I'm bothered. Her daughter should have told her last night, my daughter said "we're not available". I still can't believe she called my husband at work.

Charge her for each hour you have to watch her kid, not including additional expenses, such as food. She'll stop asking.

[Lyzzyy]

Yeah, I agree with you... Sometimes it is really hard to say "no". These last couple years I have been trying to be more honest with myself and others when I really feel like saying "no", and it does save you a lot of time and trouble

And yeah like Michael said, start charging her and she would totally get the hint

Have a wonderful day!!

[lynn P.]

Thanks Michael the Great and Lyzzyy. Today when I opened the door to take my dog out, there were 2 see through plastic bags at my door step. It was from this lady - they were home made gifts, like a fabric cover for those kleenex purse packets and potpourri sachets, with several notes. The one addressed to me read:

"sorry for any inconvenience for you and your family. _______ (her daughter) just wanted to see and spend time with her friend (my daughter)....which is important for kids to communicate"!

I now feel my space has be invaded more. First I wasn't looking for an apology but just to clarify I know why she calls - for babysitting. Have you ever received an apology, with a 'but or just' with it....then its not really an apology. She's trying to say, all she wanted was for the girls to spend time ...when in reality its for her to get someone to babysit for a low cost. I'm not friends, just my daughter was friends when her daughter was going to my daughters school. She does this to 2 other mothers, so she doesn't have to pay for babysitting or daycare.

I feel this was an attempt to make me feel guilty. It would have been better to give us some space. When my daughter goes to her friends houses, we wait to be invited and then we let them tell us what time we should come and leave. There was a note for my older daughter, me and then one for me and my husband. All I know is this made it feel worse. I feel like she's trying to manipulate me.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Thank you for your reply Lyzzyy and I know you're correct. I've tried in the past to let her down easy and make excuses. I feel the average person would get the hint. If she does this again, I'm just going to say a simple "no" with nothing after.

I think women especially find it hard to say no, because we want people to like us and we're afraid to say no. I've even given this advice but I failed to follow it myself this time. There isn't much she or anyone can say, if I say "no" and that's what I'll do next time. I really don't care what she thinks at this point because I'm bothered. Her daughter should have told her last night, my daughter said "we're not available". I still can't believe she called my husband at work.

Hi Lynn,
I struggle with this too, but every day is a new day to have the chance to say how you feel. For me, e-mails work best.

just say no...or if you need the $$ say sure the kid can come but it will be $$ (specify the amount) for the the day. we can take her at 9 thru 5 only because that is what works for our hours. if you are offering eggs, waffles, cereal & the little princess wants pancakes say i'm sorry i can not offer them..you can have a, b or c. now which is it.

i have a dog that i watch whose owner is like this...(or was) until i adopted the ahrd line...& it is amaz9ing how quickly they change once you start charging them the current rate of sitting & treat their kid like a normal person would.

"oh stumpy, is it ok if i pick up my dog at midnight?" ah no.
"oh stumpy, i know it's christmas eve do you have room at your house for my little darling while i go away?" ah no.

yeah go the tough love route.

[Evis]

My advice would be to tell her that the movie/babysitting arrangement used to work in the past, BUT no longer works for you now. Tell her sorry but it no longer fits in with your current schedule/arrangements. While it used to work in the past, it no longer works for you now, sorry. End of story.

I know it's easier said than done though... wishing you the best

Evie

[lynn P.]

Thanks Elana05, stumpy and Evis. If she calls again in the future, I'm going to say straight out "no I can't". I was never totally comfortable with the free movie, but then when she used to ask me for the play date I figured out it was payback time. Now that my girls are getting older they like to sleep in on day offs.

Where I live they built a new school for kindergarten up to grade 12. My oldest started her grade 9 here and her daughter transferred from my youngests elementary school to this new school. They had an open house in Sept., so me and the girls went. We saw her as she was going to leave and I said bye after briefly saying hi. Instead of her leaving, she followed us everywhere we went on the tour of the school.

I have a hard time being firm with people because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Most people would get the indirect hint, but for some reason she doesn't pick up on it. Often people will say no, but then offer a reason or say sorry - but I'm going to keep it simple.