I have been married for a little over ten years and have known my wife for over 20 years. I feel our marrage is currently safe, yet I've been talking to my psychologist about how to get my emotional needs met with my wife. I refered to them as the "warm and fuzzies". She is very educated as she has her masters degree. She grew up in a orthodox Jewish home. She is currently a non-practising Jew. I haven't received my undergraduate degree yet, I'm a senior and am not currently attending college. I didn't grow up in a religious household, but did attend unitarian universalist services occasionally. I attend a christian church now. I don't believe the way that others there believe, but I enjoy the fellowship and the services help me to get my mind off stressful stuff. They have been praying for my wifes health also. She is in complete renal failure and is a dialysis patient. She has been in and out of the hospital 10 times in the last year. I told my psychologist that she rarely asks me how I am doing and that this has been an issue in the past but I have adjusted to it. He told me to ask her about this issue and to try to express more gestures of affection, like kissing and hugging. I did that last night and I asked her about why she rarely asks me how I am doing. She told me that she feels I become defensive and suspicious when she asks me those questions. That is entirely plausable, however I can't think of specific instances where that has occured. We love each other very much. I hope I can learn how to overcome this.

[Callmebj]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I have been married for a little over ten years and have known my wife for over 20 years. I feel our marrage is currently safe, yet I've been talking to my psychologist about how to get my emotional needs met with my wife. I refered to them as the "warm and fuzzies". She is very educated as she has her masters degree. She grew up in a orthodox Jewish home. She is currently a non-practising Jew. I haven't received my undergraduate degree yet, I'm a senior and am not currently attending college. I didn't grow up in a religious household, but did attend unitarian universalist services occasionally. I attend a christian church now. I don't believe the way that others there believe, but I enjoy the fellowship and the services help me to get my mind off stressful stuff. They have been praying for my wifes health also. She is in complete renal failure and is a dialysis patient. She has been in and out of the hospital 10 times in the last year. I told my psychologist that she rarely asks me how I am doing and that this has been an issue in the past but I have adjusted to it. He told me to ask her about this issue and to try to express more gestures of affection, like kissing and hugging. I did that last night and I asked her about why she rarely asks me how I am doing. She told me that she feels I become defensive and suspicious when she asks me those questions. That is entirely plausable, however I can't think of specific instances where that has occured. We love each other very much. I hope I can learn how to overcome this.

Right now, all of her effort is going into existing with these serious medical problems. I can imagine how you are feeling, and that is "helpless" as to her condition and your fear of loosing her. Men like to fix things and when their SO is sick, they have no power to help except to love her and show
their caring as often as possible.

Maybe she feels your emotions of powerlessness in her health situation and feels your anger; not at her but at her illness. It would be difficult for anyone in a life threatening situation whose special other can feel a lot of warm fuzzy feelings. It's scarey for both of you.

I speak from my husbands reaction to my cancer years ago. I was in the postition of knowing survival was questionable for me. He did worry so
over this; but there were no answers for either of us; just wait and see
was all we could do.

You say you are use to her renal failures episodes, but I doubt that you are okay with that.

I do encourage you to take good care of yourself at this time and not
allow your own health to be affected by this.

I'm so glad to know that you both know of each other's love. Rest in that thought. Best to both of you.

Thanks. Your right. I'm struggling inside, but trying to support her also. Posting here helps. My therapist helps. My home life has been strained, but at least it is a home. Going to church helps. I pray sometimes. I practise self-soothing when I can. I have to prepare myself for the reality of her leaving this world. I will get on, I guess. I've become confident with my ability to endure hardship. It is recovering from hardship to bewilders me. I became hardened in the past. Allowing my self to soften, to give and receive love and affection, has been as difficult as enduring hardship, if that makes any sense. The reality that she might soon leave this world soon leaves me helpless and almost resigned to the hardships to come. She has given me comfort and affection and I have given her the same. I have overlooked and adapted to her shortcoming and she mine. I will love her with all my heart until she slips away. I pray I can hold her hand and soothe her as she goes. God, does this hurt..

[Elana05]

Hi Brookwest,
I hear what you have posted. I can hear the saddness and thoughtfulness in your heart. Sending supportive thoughts your way.
Elana

Thanks for the support. I need it.