[hartbroken]

OK, my girlfriend and I have talked marriage for years now. She barely makes enough to get by, and I don't end up adding much to that with my SSDI after my own expenses, and I'm too sick to work. I was really digging the idea of marrying about a year ago, but I think I was manic. I thought after I get some of my debts paid off, we could think about seriously marrying. But I think I was manic. I've told her what manic behavior is like, but she has told me things like "If you ever left me I'd break down to the core," and I know I'm in a spot now because we don't have enough to live on (I tried getting help going back to work, and the rehab for work office rejected me because I'm too tired and anxious - I should keep waiting until I feel better - it's been 6 years or more since I've felt ok to work - when will I feel better??) and she thinks I should be able to work at some point to help with the expenses, and I can't because I'm too sick. If I told her "let's just be friends," she'd equal that to me leaving her. She doesn't want to stay unmarried for the rest of her life. I don't want her hurt, but I'm getting to the point where I need to tell her "I don't think we can ever marry, due to my disability". I know there are those who do marry who have a disability, but this case isn't seeming to work. Other things that are happening are that I get really nervous when I'm around her, because she has high expectations of me, but I'm sick and I don't know how to do any better than I am.
What should I be doing?

[Caretaker Leo]

Sometimes what we post here as a response can be taken very wrong - please know that I am offering you my thoughts in complete kindness and based upon my own life experiences.

In this situation, please follow your brain first and your heart second. From what you wrote, she is sending signals that cause me to think that she won't be able to be there for you "through sickness and health". It is a huge commitment, and I know from my own marriage that I love my disabled spouse no matter what. I made that choice and I have never had any expectation that he will be able to support us on his own. (We've been together for 13 years now).

My spouse's LTD will not increase. He will never be able to work again. I don't make a lot, but we get by and are ok. We are a team and make certain choices about where we live, how we spend, etc. We plan our lives together to make our income get us through.

You need to take care of YOURSELF first. A person can't take care of anyone else unless they do what they need for themselves first. My spouse and I live by this plan.

Will you will hurt her? Perhaps she will choose to respond that way - but maybe she is hoping that you free her to move on and find someone else.

More important - will you only be causing yourself more hurt and pain if you don't listen to your head?

[Unrigged64072835]

My husband has MS, and I have MDD. When we married it was with the explicit understanding that either one of us could be permanently disabled at any moment. Like Caretaker Leo and her husband, we base our decisions on these facts. I don't think it would be realistic to expect my husband to work if his MS worsens any more than for me to work if my depression becomes too severe. We love and care for each other very much, but we know our limits. We financially plan for every scenario so if one or both of us is disabled we still have enough to live on.

From your post it sounds like you know what the answer is. It's a hard and heartbreaking decision. However, both of you have to be realistic.

[Bella01]

You need to talk to her regarding what you have stated here. Maybe she needs to hear it before she really understands it. It might work if both parties are on the same page.

[Yoda]

If the two of you have thought you might want kids in marriage that is a huge financial commitment. Not sure if that is in the picture.

[falling star]

It is good to be honest. If you can work or not is definately an issue. Be open as you can about it. Do you want someone that expects you to work? I know that it is so important to be able to support yourself in some way, but adding the stress of a relationship may be too much. Love is so good and important, but the heartache from not living up to another person's needs or expectations is hearbreaking. Could you take time apart for a while to see if you are really meant for each other? If she can't live without you, then you know she will be able to deal with anything that comes, even the work issue.