[White Rose]

Well, this is my story, in case you can help; it all started with that boy friend I had when I was in college, I was 19 and he was my first love. I truly, madly loved him, I thought I might do anything for him and he might as well, till I discover he was a big liar, lying about everything, I mean every little thing. I was heartbroken then, I went through a very bad depression for almost a year, he was stalking me all this time trying to work things out but I knew he was lying. I lost believe in love and trust in everyone. But, you know, just like movies, came my prince charming, he was really like a soul mate to me. We were friends for about 3 years till we discovered that we really like each other, we had lots of things in common. He was just perfect, I regain my trust and faith, got over my depression, and lived a dreamy happy life. That was actually before he let me down. One day, he decided that we should break up, he had some financial problems and he was depressed, suddenly, he turned into a completely different person. I mean, I have known him for years, I just know every little thing he does, every little thought he has, why would he suddenly change like that?

Anyway, that happened about 4 months ago, I can't help but say I lost my faith again but this time I don't think I could regain it. I don't believe in love anymore, and I have this stupid feeling that I am always left and dumped. Whenever I feel like some one likes me, I just run away, and try to avoid him cause deep inside me I know they would leave me anyway. I know it sounds sad but this is really how I feel, and I just can't help it, I have tried in every possible way to get over it but I can't.

[kitten16]

Hi White Rose! I totally feel you here. It's miserable when relationships end. The thing is, relationships are HARD. People are so different. We live in a culture that celebrates couplehood, and the expectations are high around this stuff. It's easy to feel like a failure when things don't work out. And it's horrible to be dumped, no question. (Going through that right now, btw, so I really getcha)

I don't see your story as an unmitigated tale of failure though. Reality check: having had two relationships that didn't work out at your age (I'm assuming you're in your twenties?) is not that astonishing. It's not unusual, doesn't at all mean that you're undateable or terrible at these things, etc. It's just that it's very very very tough to find someone you can be with. It's tough for everyone with the guts to try it.

Quick aside about my own sitch - at your age I could get a lot of dates, but none of them ever turned into relationships. It was a frickin' miracle if I could make it to date number 3. I have all kinds of theories these days about why that was (some factors had to do with me, some didn't). But at the time, I was devastated that I was constantly being picked up and then dropped quick, like a hot potato. I suffered over that, and nobody got it. Other girls my age were always either dating around a lot, and seemingly enjoying it, or were enmeshed in intense exclusive relationships with one guy. That NEVER happened to me! So if I had known you then, I would have been super envious of your ability to attract men in this deeper way that you describe, and to have relationships that went as far as they did.

That's just me though.

The thing is, when you're young, you don't think anything will change.

Things do change - a lot. They'll get better, and they'll get worse. And better again. It's a cycle! Life is not all one thing. So having been dumped twice doesn't mean it will always be this way.

Even highly successful, brilliant, and beautiful people get dumped (read any celeb magazine). It happens to everyone. I know that doesn't make it easier.

If you'd been dumped by ten guys in a row, it might indicate something - a fear of intimacy, a tendency to choose the wrong kind of person, etc. etc.

But I don't think that's you. I just think you're having average luck around relationships at a pretty early stage in your life.

If you're not ready to date for a while, then don't. Maybe running away from people who come on to you right now is the best thing for you to do, while your heart heals. But don't ever assume it's you. My hunch is you're a fine person

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by White Rose

Well, this is my story, in case you can help; it all started with that boy friend I had when I was in college, I was 19 and he was my first love. I truly, madly loved him, I thought I might do anything for him and he might as well, till I discover he was a big liar, lying about everything, I mean every little thing. I was heartbroken then, I went through a very bad depression for almost a year, he was stalking me all this time trying to work things out but I knew he was lying. I lost believe in love and trust in everyone. But, you know, just like movies, came my prince charming, he was really like a soul mate to me. We were friends for about 3 years till we discovered that we really like each other, we had lots of things in common. He was just perfect, I regain my trust and faith, got over my depression, and lived a dreamy happy life. That was actually before he let me down. One day, he decided that we should break up, he had some financial problems and he was depressed, suddenly, he turned into a completely different person. I mean, I have known him for years, I just know every little thing he does, every little thought he has, why would he suddenly change like that?

Anyway, that happened about 4 months ago, I can't help but say I lost my faith again but this time I don't think I could regain it. I don't believe in love anymore, and I have this stupid feeling that I am always left and dumped. Whenever I feel like some one likes me, I just run away, and try to avoid him cause deep inside me I know they would leave me anyway. I know it sounds sad but this is really how I feel, and I just can't help it, I have tried in every possible way to get over it but I can't.

I have highlighted some things you have said for you to give serious consideration. Once you understand the unreality of what you have said, you will be on your way to a happier, more realistic life.

It looks like English is not your first language, and I have taken that into consideration; if you are viewing men as perfect and if you really believe you know a person's EVERY thought and you are constantly surprised because men do the opposite of what you expect, then you are not living a realistic life.

Men are imperfect, they keep things to themselves (just like women do); they can and do change their minds (just like women do) and they are not and should not be the solution to a woman who cannot manage her life competently alone.

If you are coming across as being very needy, you may be subconsciously encouraging men to play the knight in shining armor role, but no man can keep that up forever.

If you build a life for yourself that is secure and happy, you will eventually attract secure, happy men; and these are the only ones you should consider as potential life mates.

All of that said, your last boyfriend who became a "completely different person" upon your breakup? It is more likely you simply saw a facet of him you had not noticed before.

There is no reason for you to "run away" from a nice man; but neither should you immediately start planning your wedding. Take things slowly and listen carefully to what your date is saying, and if at all possible, make some women friends so you can bounce your experiences off of them for a good reality check.

[Harley47]

I would tell you that unless you give it a shot, you'll never know what could've been, you know? It's difficult to lose a relationship...God knows it's difficult. But you have to, as best you can, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, learn from your experiences, and try again. I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone. It's simply a matter of sifting through the sand to find the speck of gold.

Just remember that men are people just like you. Try not to fall in love with what you think of someone instead of who someone is, if that makes sense. That only sets you up for failure.

I hope things go well for you, and I hope I was of some help.