[BlueInanna]

Hi all,

A friend of mine lost her adult son a couple weeks ago. It is horrible worst nightmare for any parent. He was in late 20's it's just horrible. I'm trying to be a good friend, be there for her to talk to, taking her out places.

But somehow I've turned into her main support person and I don't think I can handle it. I have bipolar, 2 teens with bipolar, trying to keep my job and my house.

And I find her needing me and clinging, and getting texts and several calls while i'm at my workplace. We spend at least 1-2 hours on the phone daily, mostly talking about her boyfriend who is trying to break up with her. Sometimes she is drunk and yelling about how this guy is treating her.

I feel like i'm on the edge of either mania or depression, becoming so irritable that I'm afraid I might start yelling at her that I don't want to hear another word about this stupid man she's been dating. And about how he treats her poorly, is not here for her when she is grieving, yet she goes over and sleeps with him any time he calls her if he's horny. And i want to remind her she has 2 other children who are grieving the loss of their brother and she's spending her energy on this man.

How can I help her through her grieving and stay sane

[Leed]

First of all, you'd actually be doing her a FAVOR if you told her that you WILL NOT talk to her when she's been drinking, and hang up. You can NOT have a conversation with a drunk. Besides, she won't remember much of it later anyway. So just don't bother.

Secondly, remind her when she's sober that this so-called "boyfriend" is just using her, and she's having enough trouble grieving without having to deal with a creep. He's actually causing her MORE grief. Tell her to dump him, and give herself some time to grieve before she looks for someone else.

And remember --- while I know you want to be a good friend, and to be there for her -- you have YOUR problems too and you cannot add to them by having a clingy, co-dependent person around. You may have to screen your calls until you feel up to talking to her. Don't feel guilty about it either. We're talking about YOUR health! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

I would turn your phone off while you are at work, only check it on your break or lunch, once or twice a day and delete much of what she texts as if it were junk emails. If she is calling your place of business phone, that is unacceptable and she has to be told she cannot call that phone, it is for the business only.

I would decide when you want to see her and how you want to support her. If you are taking her out, fine; set a once-a-week date/time and the two of you go out and "catch up" for the week. Maybe make a little list of counselors or grief support groups she might be interested in joining in your area. You are only one person, not a professional (I don't think?) and it is not your job to take the whole of her messes on, just a one-person, friend's portion. She has to do her own grief work, you cannot do it for her but it sounds like she is doing the angry portion with her boyfriend and that's not somewhere you want to be.

[Callmebj]

I've had an experience similar to this...there are plenty of support groups for a person who has lost a child, and she should be using those. One person absorbing her pain
is too much to ask. I would go with my friend and come back so depressed myself,
I wound up really, really disconnecting with her. Being clung to is no fun and really
the personality you've described is pretty selfish, despite her pain.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you!!!! I'm going to follow the advice from the 3 of you
I really appreciate the guidance, so needed today.