[coolgirl]

My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years when I broke up with him. I basically gave him an ultimatum of marrying me or I was leaving. So I left. We were only apart for about 5 months, but we talked all the time and still said we loved and missed each other. So we made love in Oct. and now I just found out that he had sex with someone in Dec. now she may be pregnant. And to top it all off, he wants to get married too. I'm so confused and I don't want to talk to my mom about it, because I don't want her to think he's just horrible before I decided what I want to do.

I'm 28 and my mom is best friend, he also talks to her quite often. And apparently they have been talking about the proposal and so that makes me very hesitant to tell her about this. I did, however, tell her he had sex with someone else. She said I should follow my heart because people make mistakes...blah blah blah... we weren't technically together... But I'm also hesitant because he had sex with her after me. That makes me wonder if he was seeing her all along. Anywhu, he said she wont have an abortion because it's against her religion... where was her religion when she was getting her freak on??? (guess I shouldn't judge)

Also, he has a 5 year old by another woman, but that was long before me. Just a little background. I just feel like I should walk away, but I love him so much. I'm like crying every day and I just went back to grad school and this is just a lot. My main question is what should I take into consideration when deciding if I want to marry him because according to my mom he is ready to propose like today!? And if she is pregnant should I walk away?

Thanks in advance!

[Leed]

I DEFINITELY would NOT marry this guy. If you two had "kinda" gotten back together in October, and then he may have gotten someone pregnant in December --- yeah. Once a cheater, always a cheater. There is no giving anyone the "benefit of the doubt." You just tell them to hit the road. How is he going to earn your trust back? You're always going to wonder if he's cheating on you. You're NEVER going to be able to trust him. You'll wonder where he REALLY is when he tells you he's going out with the "boys." When he's late coming home from work, you're going to wonder where he really is. Maybe he will be perfectly innocent, but you just won't know, will you.

I just wouldn't put myself thru that. I would want someone that I KNEW I could trust. I say move on -- and find someone else. Just my opinion. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[lido78]

I don't know that I consider this guy a cheater (did he ever cheat before the breakup?). You broke up with him after satisfying your end of the marriage ultimatum. Even though you talked every day and were both still in love with each other, you were not back together (i.e., to get back together, he would have had to propose to you). It may mean that he needed to get one last thing out of his system before being ready to propose to you. It could mean that he had one last fling (while you were not technically together) and this is what it took to realize that marriage to you IS what he wanted. He was honest with you about the woman and the child even knowing that this could most likely scare you away.

That being said, did they completely fail to use protection altogether or did it simply not work? If the former, get yourself tested now and again in six months. Make him do so as well. Then, ask yourself if you can handle his having on ongoing relationship with this woman and her child. If he is a good guy, this will be a life long financial and emotional commitment....in addition to whatever relationship he has with his first child and its mother and any children you have together. If you can honestly handle this, you may want to give this a try.

Maybe you accept a proposal but condition it on pre-marriage counseling. This will hopefully help all parties involved navigate a very difficult and delicate situation....

But there is probably a reason you have not told your mother. She will eventually find out, and she may be your best ally in determining whether or not this will work for you. She knows both you and your boyfriend, and she seems to like him and have a friendship with him independent of you. If you have people close to you that can provide support you, and you feel that he will understand how you may feel about this from time to time, I don't think it's an open and shut case.

[coolgirl]

Thank you both for the insight. He has cheated before unfortunately. Ive talked to him about counseling and also about meeting the girl because I figure if I'm going to be in his life then I'll in hers so we all need to get to know one another. He's upset because I asked for a prenuptial IF I chose to marry him. But I have to protect myself and my money right? I'll be a lawyer soon and I don't know what kind of money I will make. And he's also trying to act like the victim. It's like a mind game at this point. I'm annoyed!

[lido78]

I'm a big fan of the prenuptual if one party has children or other serious financial considerations independent of the other party. Some argue that it's not "romantic"....but I say having similar perspectives on this type of thing and the ability to talk about difficult issues before there are problems is a good sign...given his past behavior, I really think that what you've asked of him is both smart and reasonable.

It's up to you as to whether you give him a chance, but you sound like you're going places...a bright future with a career...love does sometimes come with baggage but I'm not sure that he's shown what he'd be willing to do to keep you safe and secure in any decision to be with him.

[sandworm]

Originally Posted by coolgirl

he's also trying to act like the victim. It's like a mind game at this point.

Hello Cool

Wow, Lido wrote, "you look like you have a bright future " and I can only
agree. You wrote such an amazing and thorough description ... which i
usually do not see here or anywhere.
you show smarts. thumbs up and Kudos for that.

HOWEVER< the whole time I am thinking, 'wow, what a hairy pickle"
then you tell us this above.
Acting like the victim. HOW is he a victim (rhetorical question (no reply expected) )
If he sort of cheated on you with "ms. I might be preg', and now posing as
the victim in this; no. He can view himself as being in a fickle situation, but
his actions of sleeping with more than one woman, these problems will
come up then. He has to show responsibility and FEELING of responsibility.
or he is going to be a head gamer the whole wedding and marriage trip.
You do not need this visit to misery.

one man famous, said, don't advice on marriage, for if you are wrong
you bring a person to pain for life.
seems right, about.

Sandee.

[LostGurl]

My opinion:
He sounds like a bad news...RUN and don't look back...you will save a lot of heartache...