horrible communication problems

Posted this originally in welcome forum, but think this is the place for it...

A couple of months ago, my husband and I were arguing...he purposely gets me worked up. He knows how I'll react - I panic and cry, and scream sometimes. He always smiles when I get like this. This particular time the children were nearby and came in to see what was going on, I shut up quickly, but the kids started crying, and my husband smiles like the devil and says "Yes, this is what I want them to see. This is exactly what I want." Sick. Then the next day we're in love again. Literally in love watching family movies.

I have trouble trusting my husband...ever. He has done things in the past that have given me reason. A couple of nights ago I told him I saw him online again...he had told me he was deleting all of his online accounts because he had talked to girls in the past. I took a screen shot of what I found because he always finds an excuse for his behaviors...the internet services seem to target him a lot and get him into trouble...I wasn't loud when I confronted him, I said what I found isn't really that big of a deal, and it wasn't, and he started freaking out. This is how he behaves when he has been caught doing something wrong. This behavior confuses me so much...why does he get so angry? I have bothered him a lot about other girls. I'm sure he is annoyed by it. My self-esteem is basically 0 and since I have checked out the girls he seems to find attractive, I just feel so jealous and ugly and gross. And I have made the mistake of letting him know just how ugly I feel. It makes him think I'm uglier...inside and out.

The last bits about myself aside, why did he go bullistic? He began screaming at me and saying I was "psychotic" and I had no proof he was online. When I didn't show him my proof for a while, he began threatening to destroy the computer, he started talking about my "psychotic" mother and father, saying how sick we all are and how we make things up. I told him it wasn't that important, I didn't see anything bad, just that he had been online when he said he wasn't.

I stopped talking to him as I logged onto the computer, but he kept talking to me in the most hateful ways. He often uses my mental instability against me, he taunts me and smiles when I get upset. He really seems to get off on making me act nuts. It seems to justify in his mind that I am indeed more insane than he is? Anyway, he just kept right on talking, saying that there is something wrong with my perception, or that the internet has malfunctioned again. He punched the computer when I showed him and said If I would stay off of the computer then this wouldn't happen, because I really have become obsessed with finding him online lately. And I have. He thinks I should trust him. He thinks I should come to him when I feel troubled, but this is what happens when I do. If I'm not coming to him angry, then he will respond with charming remarks, like "not true" with a dashing smile, or something, or he will avoid eye contact and words all together. I feel sometimes like a fight is what it takes to get each other's feelings out. Obviously, that's no good.

It's hard to see the man I love when he is acting like that, but as usual, the next day I forgive him, or maybe it is me who was forgiven, pff, I don't know. He is a good man in his every day life. He is an awesome father, he is respectful to me most days, he works really hard, helps around the house, we go grocery shopping together...only real complaints are his behavior in the past, which was so horrid, but should be forgotten, becasue he is amazing now. I watched him become a man, and he is a good one. Another is he doesn't hug me or kiss me and says it's because it takes him a lot of time to find those feelings again after we have a bad experience together. We've been together for 11 years, and I'm still waiting for him to find that kind of love for me. We have sex nearly every day. Most times it's meaningful, but I can't mentally get there, you know, there is no real touch or eye contact or that stuff that makes you feel warm...he thinks that's only in story books. And the last complaint is the way he uses my mental state and feelings against me.

He said if I talked to anyone about our troubles, then I would no longer deserve his love. So, I'm here. 11 years to get here. Ugh.

So, I feel like I've set my husband up here as a bit of a monster, but he's not. When we argue, though, he is a totally different person. So am I. This is scary because anything can happen. The police could come and haul me away. We don't fight often, maybe a couple bad ones a year, but I'm scared that he would use my reactions to fighting and pressure and insults against me to gain control over me. He'd regret it the next day, but by then it would be too late. Not sure if this is a cue for advice, or if I just need to be directed to some good online info to basically teach me to force myself to calm down? I tried the other day, but it didn't work. Does it sound like my perceptions are off here?

Wow. This is a classic controller/abuser line, an ultimatum that inspires fear and intimidates you into the behavior he requires. He also sounds like he might have narcissistic personality disorder. (google that for the symptoms, it's eye-opening)

You know this isn't loving behavior, right? To persist in behavior he knows makes you unhappy, to smile at and taunt you when you show your distress, and to threaten withdrawal of his love if you seek out help?

What's the worst that can happen if you seek a therapist and he finds out? Is there any threat of physical harm? If he's just threatening to withdraw his "love," that's a laugh. I don't want to imply he's not capable of love or has never loved you. But right now, he's clearly not showing you any love. I mean there's nothing to take away from you.

You probably have a lot invested in your relationship. He's the father of your kids after all. But if he's not willing to go to therapy with you, or to sit down like a human being and discuss your problems together, it doesn't look too great for the long term.

His behavior is unacceptable. I hope you find the courage to at least get individual therapy about this.

kitten16 is totally right!
your hubby is mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusing you. this is not love.

im not alone, thank u for sharing :'(

maggie - I do agree that you have horrible communication problems and that trust between the two of you is lacking. If you want to work on your relationship, you might think about talking about your issues at a site that is away from your home in a different yet public environment, such as a quiet corner of a restaurant. Neither of you is as likely to lose control that way. You might consider talking to a counselor or another trusted person as well, but that can have both pluses and minuses. Another option would be to try Marriage Encounter if they operate in your area, but they are not everywhere
I agree with the other posters that his behavior is abusive. He has a lot of pent up anger that comes spilling out on you. It must feel pretty threatening. Anger is a sign that something is wrong and people often resort to overt anger to cover up their deeper issues and inadequacies.
I extend to you a big HUG and I wish you well -- you both deserve a relationship that is wholesome and peaceful