[noneedtoknow]

I'll try to keep this short, but it is tearing me up .
Iv been married 24 years. My husband is a good man. 2 main problems. 1. when we were married 15 years, we discovered he had a STD. He swears he did not have an affair. I have researched and it is possible for the virus to lie dormant for many years. Regardless, he has a std-it grosses me out. I havn;t had sex for 7 years now. (2) for years I have been saying we need to get some common goals or things because one day our kids will be gone and if we don't find some things, were screwed. We use to have some major things in common. Those have changed over the years. Well, the kids are now gone.....and we don't have much. He watches tv, works, sleeps, repeats. he is very overweight. I am at the gym, active, doing new things, and in shape. I work also. The deal is I have talked with him about this numerous times, no change. I think he thinks if he just ignores things, they will go away. Anyway-I am thinking of leaving him but feel guilty. He is a good man. BUt for one thing, how am I ever going to have sex with him? It doesn't sound like much, epecially when I read about some peoples lives, but it hurts just the same. Thank you for taking the time for reading and any thoughts would be appreciated.

[roads]

I think he thinks if he just ignores things, they will go away. Anyway-I am thinking of leaving him but feel guilty. He is a good man. BUt for one thing, how am I ever going to have sex with him?

You need to get help for the two of you. Is he open to this? When has he last seen a medical doctor? Is he physically in condition for sex? Does he want to resume having a full, sexual life with you? You may be making a huge assumption--several of them.

[lido78]

Do you still love him? I'm not sure, but I don't think that feeling guilty is enough to stay in a relationship, especially if the other person is not willing to help work things out. As for the STD, since you were not specific, I assume that there is no cure and this is why you are still grossed out? If you are that active and interested in life, I can't imagine how painful it must be to stay out of guilt. I know that marriage is supposed to be "for better or worse," but I'm not sure he's keeping up his end of the marriage contract either. If you think you could find happiness again, maybe you should let him know that he needs to go to couples therapy with you or it might be the end of the line?

[noneedtoknow]

Roadie and lido78
Thank you for replying. e have had counsiling in the past. I asked him to see a counsilor and said if he wanted, he needed to find one because I was always the one to instigate things/counsiling. He said he didn't know of any good counsilors and that was it. I almost had an affair once and got scared and told his pastor so we could work things out. He was angry for 2 days, than that was it. I said we needed cousiling, then nothing. Thats the pattern, that's what happens-nothing. So I got tired of asking and thats where I am. Do I love him? Yes, but not like I should, more like a freind-I care about him, as I said, he is a good man, but I hold back from him.

[Ardmore]

If he has a STD, are condoms possible?
It seems kind of shallow to leave a good man just because of sex, just be supportive and understanding because from what I'm reading, it would be a bad decison to leave him.

[lido78]

It sounds as if sex is not the only reason for your discontent...it appears that the relationship has become more of a companionship and, because he is a good man, you stay out of guilt...or maybe even fear of change. I would ask again about therapy because 24 years together is not something to throw away...even if you have to find the therapist and make the appointments, I'd say a few months of counseling might convince you that you've done all that you can do...if this doesn't work, and you feel as if you could be happy out on your own, it might be time to move to the next chapter of your life. He sounds depressed but there is no need for you to sink into the hole next to him...why should you have to fight every day to keep your life bright and cheerful? Being alone after 24 years would be very difficult...but, maybe waking up ten years from now in the same place would be even worse. I wish you much luck in your decision. You sounds active and outgoing...don't let this relationship take that away from you.

[noneedtoknow]

lido78,
you are right, this is not just about sex. We have grown apart and are two different types of people. I can't change who he is, and I cant change who I am either. I mean the fundamental who you are. He is home, quietn not wanting much or needing much, just is. i am active, go intense and want more. And I guess that is really it. Ive done the counsiling, seperate and with. These last times he was suppose to step up. If it was just that, I would say, yah, Ill make the appt. but that is a symptom of the problems, he never steps up or says hey or anything and I am done waiting and prodding and asking. So I guess that's it. I appreciate your responces cause it helps me to think. Thank you for your time.

[needfixing]

you need marriage counseling asap or else the resentment, anger, and disguss will take over your marriage.
try going for walks with him after dinner.