I need HELP, should I break it off or stay?

First I'd like to say that I have never come onto the internet asking for advice like this before because it is an extremely touchy subject. However, as long as I stay anonymous I think the online advice will be helpful.

This is not something I ever wanted to discuss with anyone other than my boyfriend but here we go.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Other than the issues I'll tell you guys about today, we have the perfect relationship. We met each other in a bar two years ago in fell in love rather quickly, and then I moved to a major east coast city and he followed me there. We were apart for about four months during the moves but we were still dating and would talk on the phone for hours, that sort of thing. When we moved in we had been dating for about six months. We make each other laugh, we balance each other out, when I say we are in love, I mean it. We've told each other we want to get married one day (will probably give it another five years or so) and have kids, and we have told each other we want another life together. We are always hanging out, we don't like being apart.

Now here comes the bad.

While reading this, keep in mind that I am about five feet tall and have weighed between 115-125 lbs throughout this relationship.

About a year into our relationship there came a day when I used my boyfriend's phone to search for a restaurant. Please note, I wasn't snooping, my phone was in the other room and he literally handed his phone to me and told me to do a Google search on his phone. So I did and you know how smartphones list your recent searches when you start typing, well one of his was "big cuties". I thought, hmm, wonder what that is, but didn't really think anything of it, and life went on.

About a week later my phone was dead and I needed to call someone. Once again my boyfriend (who was driving at the time) handed me his phone and told me to use it. When I unlocked the screen, to my surprise, there was a picture of a huge women, like 300 lb woman, on his phone and she was in lingerie. I immediately turned the screen off and told him I'd call the person later. I was in shock and was silent until we got home. When we got home this I finally asked him why that was on his phone. He laughed and shrugged and said his friend sent it to him as a joke. But here's the catch, the website was "big cuties" and I remembered seeing that search on his phone before, so standing right in front of him I looked under his phone history. He did not do anything to stop me. Unfortunately, I discovered that he looked up fat girls ALL THE TIME, like multiple times a week and it wasn't just that site there were some other gross "fat girl" related terms in there.

Following that I cried, was in shock, etc etc. He kept trying to make up excuses and finally admitted he didn't know why he liked that stuff and that he was happy with me and loved me and he would never look at it again. Obviously he was very very embarrassed.

So some months went on, I tried to forget it, but I kept an eye on his web history. I had never snooped before but now my trust was broken.

Then, something else happened. We're now about a year and a half into the relationship. We're laying in bed one night and my boyfriend gets a phone call from a number not saved in his phone. He answers it, I hear a girl say "Hello?" and she says his name and he immediately hangs up the phone. I'm ask why he hung up and he says it hit the button on accident so I'm like well call her back and he says he'll do it later. The whole time he acts strange.

The next morning I pick up his phone and look to see if he called her back, and he actually DELETED her number. So I confront him about it, he finally says it's his ex girlfriend who has been calling him and bothering him. If this is true why not just tell me that instead of hide it?

So I dig into his phone history because I'm not satisfied with the shifty lies. Long story short, yes, it's his ex, who he dated for three years and HE HAD BEEN CALLING HER and talking to her for hours like at least once a month. I also found out he had visited her when we had gone back home to see family and had lied to me about it saying he wanted to hang out alone with his guy friends!

So, this is the second big lie, I threaten to break up, he freaks out, tells me how much he loves me, blah blah blah, says he'll never talk to her again.

He hasn't. He does love me. I know it. My friends, his friends, and even my Mom think he didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to get mad and he says they were just friends, and everyone including myself doesn't see him as cheater. He is the nicest guy in the world, blah blah blah, very committed to me, etc etc.

You should all know he cheated on his last girlfriend with this ex he's lied to me about. However it was after he had decided to break up with the girl he had been dating.

So anyways, I force myself to get over it and go back to trying to have a perfect relationship. And it is perfect. We are happy, and I truly love him a lot, more than anything in the world. It's been the best two years of my life but this trust thing threw some wrenches in it and he hasn't lied about anything lately, and I built my trust back up.

Then today I used his phone to search something and he had searched "how to fatten up your girlfriend" so once again, I am back to square one. He just walked in and handed me a letter (that is insanely insanely long) and it says all this stuff about how he's sorry and I'm his world and he is an idiot for breaking my trust and blah blah blah, it's pretty much the sweetest thing anyone could ever write to anyone.

I love him. He loves me. But he has lied. What do I do?

Sorry for all the typos. Writing while upset doesn't make for good writing. He has read this post by the way and seems anxious. He knows I'm on the brink of making a decision and he is nervous.

Admittedly he has been a BIG idiot. He has seriously broken your trust, and he has ALOT of work to do in buiding up your trust again. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have NOTHING.

I would be a bit leery of things for awhile. I don't think I would completely trust him -- he doesn't deserve complete trust. He's told some pretty serious lies. It's up to you whether or not you want to continue the relationship. I would think twice, myself.

But if you do continue, make SURE you make him earn back your trust. Don't give him ANOTHER chance. If he lies to you again, THAT'S IT cause it will only continue after that. He'll know that you'll just continue to forgive him. So make it known that you will NOT tolerate any more of this nonsense. It's either YOU or nothing! And you will NOT fatten up for him. It's not healthy for you and why on earth would any woman do that for a man? Good grief.

I wish you the very best, dearheart. I know you love him, but keep your self-respect! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Any one can write a letter, anyone can use words, but not every one WILL make their actions parallel to the words.

As Lee said these are serious breaches of trust. And I agree with everything Lee said.

Now the how to fatten your girlfriend up bit. This isn't healthy, not good for your physical health, and probably not good for your mental health. How many overweight people live feeling badly about themselves ? Maybe he needs to do more reading about how to accept your girlfriend for what she is, and on appreciating health, wanting good health for your partner. How would he feel if you were attempting to change his body into something it isn't? I don't think he would feel loved by that, or respected. The fact that he is reading " how to fatten up your girlfriend " suggests to me that he is trying to find ways to do this without your consent. This is extremely wrong. I myself have come across similar fatten your gf up stuff on the net, when looking into my eating disorder, it has usually been focused on getting the results without the other persons awareness. Nothing about that says LOVE.

I hope you can sort out what is best for YOU!

Hey there,

I'm dealing with a very similar situation. Wish I could give you advice, cuz then I'd know what to do myself.

No relationship is perfect, I know that. But trust is just something that once broken is very very hard to rebuild.

Ugh...hugs to both of us.

T

The main thing that you should think about is can you handle his obsession with heavy women. Not knowing your boyfriend I just think it would be hard to break the habit.

One of the reasons my sister divorced her husband is because he had a obsession with porn and she couldn't live with it any longer.

This is an decision that only you can make because your the one who has to live with him.

Wow I wish you the best. All I can say is actions speak louder than words. Trust is #1 in a relationship without it like Leeds said You have nothing. Stay smart don't let love blind you!

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm still kind of unsure about the whole situation. This is a guy who has lied, but who also moved 1,000 miles away from his friends, family, and life to be with me and has shown his commitment to me in many ways. It's like he's the perfect man, and a reprehensible asshole at the same time.

I think really it boils down to the fact that it is impossible for me to let go of him. I am an extremely logical person but never in my life have I felt so helpless as to making a decision.

I am wondering if he has a problem being open about himself and is scared of rejection and maybe that is why he lied about his fetish and relationship with his ex. Or is that just another excuse my brain is making up to stay with him?

As long as he finds YOU attractive i dont think it matters what would he like in other women. But he should not stay in touch with his ex unless they dont have children together.

I guess my overall feeling I get from your posts is that you're not happy. don't worry about the fact that he moved for you, etc. you need to worry about YOU. only you can decide what's best for you. please don't settle for anyone who is less than perfect for you.

I have a strict rule about once a cheat, always a cheat. I never date anyone that's cheated on me or any girlfriend but that's just me. trust is a huge issue for me and without that, there is nothing.

also, if he likes bigger girls, then why doesn't he pursue one? if he wants to change things about you then that's not unconditional love. hang in there, I know this is hard for you!

I would not tell you because I'd be a little worried how you would take it? It does not sound like you are any more honest than he is; he gave you his phone several times at first, not having a problem with your using it but gradually you have had problems with him and what he likes/dislikes and put him on the defensive and now have gone to invading his personal space.

Everyone has their sexual preferences, men especially have visual ones; some like lingerie, some boobs, some shoes/feet. I would not feel threatened by imaginary big women anymore than I'd feel threatened by issues of Playboy. It's a little like trying to control another person's sexual fantasies? Lots of couples play "football team" but who thinks that is related to gang rape? Looking at soft porn, not to the exclusion of having normal sexual relationships, is not an abnormal behavior to me. It might not be very "mature" having it on one's phone but it's his phone, he can have what he wants on there?

He hasn't lied recently. . . that you know about! But it sounds like now you are attuned to whether he'll lie or not and even lies of omission are on your radar and you want the authority/power to decide if he should have told you something or not. I would not have told you about talking to an ex either, if you respond negatively to it as it seems you do (my husband's ex-wife and I are friends).

It does not sound like you are comfortable with yourself that you are trying to make your boyfriend conform to what you would like him to think/be like. I would have laughed at the "how to fatten up your girlfriend" and told him, "Ain't gonna happen" or, "Good luck! Now I know your plans" or I would start an interested conversation with him about what he likes and decide if I wanted to play with him, enjoy a good meal together, him hand-feeding you or something, before sex, something like that. Let go of trying to control him and explore things together, that is the secret of keeping him "with" you. The more you build together, of your own, the less the "outside" things will draw him.