[mulb222]

Hi, I am a 21 year old male and I'm supposed to get married in July this year. First, when I got engaged it was only 4 months into the relationship and I was coming out of a relationship of over a year and then a week after getting dumped I was with this girl. When we started dating it seemed we had so much in common and everything was awesome. Then as soon as I asked her to marry me, things started to change. She didn't like to do the same things anymore and now we just fight and shop for cloths. I don't enjoy either of these activities and many times dread the day cause I am hanging out with her later. I don't feel that's very good and really caught my attention. We have been fighting about 80% of the times we get together for the past 6 months+ and have been engaged for a year, so half the time. I really don't know what's going on, I really care about her and yet I don't feel that we should even be together. She wants cats, I can't for medical reasons. I want to pursue my dreams of a professional golfer and move to a warmer area and she doesn't care for golf and wants to stay close to her family. She is very relgious and I am not so much and she tells me how bad of a person I am for not caring about god if I don't want to go to church when available. The closer the wedding gets the more and more I want out and the more I think about one of my ex's that I broke up with after a 2 1/2 year relationship cause my friends at the time and my dad conviced me to break it off. I enjoyed every moment with her, we never fought and allways had a great time together. I don't know why I ever broke that up and it's making it impossible to figure out what is going on. The relationship I'm in has more issues than any of my previous relationships and yet I'm getting married in this one and all I think about is an ex that I don't think I should have ever broke up with. I'm so confused on what to do. I think I should probably call off the wedding but should I do that and just end the realtionship. Please help. Thanks

[SakuraLi]

First off you did a major rebound no no! Preposing marriage when you didn`t even know the person! Second it seems like you have some issues of your own, I`d recommend counceling. Three from now on don`t rush things with women/relationships. What`s the hurry? I`m not trying to be rude I`m just calling it like I see it. I was rushed into relationships by 2 very problematic guys and both of them have issues 1 was a sadistic, weird, pervert the other is SZ am i`m still with him. Point is we all have issues but its how we deal with them that`s important. I`d highly recommend therapy to get to the root of why you rush things and why you stay with women you don`t have anything in common with.

[kindachaotic]

Welcome mulb222!! This is a wonderful site for many issues.
Sorry you're in such a predicament.
You have listed many, many reasons why you are so hesitant about this upcoming marriage.
Do you think she would be surprised/hurt if she knew how you really feel, or have you two already discussed these things?
If you "think" you should call off this wedding, well... go with your gut.
Trust me, from personal experience, calling off a wedding is a lot easier than a potentially messy divorce.
Marriage or not, I personally think pro golf sounds great.
You are young, lots to think about, lots of life yet to live.

Best wishes on your decision.

[Perna]

If you want out, I would not stay in. I would discuss the whole thing with her and explain how your differences and fighting are affecting you and at least break off the engagement for now, if not the whole relationship.

I wouldn't want to marry someone that always thinks of their ex and how they shouldn't have broken up. That isn't really fair to your fiance either. You need to figure out what you want. Like kindachaotic said easier to call off a wedding than go through divorce.

[lynn P.]

I agree with all the posters. Sounds like you rushed into this relationship and marriage. You both don't sound compatible in many keys areas and most people underestimate compatibility. You're also thinking of this ex and all your gut instincts are saying you shouldn't marry this woman. You should be honest and give her the reasons so she doesn't think you're just getting cold feet or bailing. You also want to avoid both becoming emotional and saying things like "love will get us through those differences" because it really won't. You both shouldn't just sweep this under the carpet, hoping it'll go away.

[Yoda]

Even though you like her it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship. I would call off the wedding for sure and if the relationship doesn't improve I would tell her good luck and goodbye.

call it off for now. go to couples counseling & you can always decide later to reschedule. no rush to get married...there is no time frame. better to be sure before than to commit to a relationship that you are going into prepared for failure.

[likewater]

I agree with all the above. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, DO NOT get married. Laughing that you don't enjoy fighting and
shopping for clothes. That's all my ex husband wanted to do, and no it is not fun. :-) get out while you can. Go to couples counseling if you want. I always listen to Stumpy. Stumpy is good people.

[Lightrail11]

Ditto. Call it off. You have a laundry list of deal breakers and other than "When we started dating it seemed we had so much in common and everything was awesome" it seems like the wheels are falling off the bus. You said it yourself "I don't feel that we should even be together" Sounds like that assessment is spot on, go with that.

follow the bouncing ball..

"the wheels on this bus fall right off, fall right off fall right off..."

sorry had to go there...

[Callmebj]

stumpy you are ornery! Here,I was looking for the classical wisdom of a great poster and she's not giving wisdom but a song!!! I like, I like, I like it! uhuh, uhuh!!

Yes, you have too many doubts about this marriage.bj

[PsychGirl123]

I agree with everyone above—this is a mistake, to get married now. You rebounded (which is a no-no), then you proposed fresh into the relationship (major no no!), and now you're thinking about your ex (no-no-no!) and your wedding date is approaching? NO.

You're supposed to be excited, maybe edgy and nervous, but THRILLED to be getting married. And you're not. Getting married is not the answer, and staying together may not be either. You should at the very least call off the wedding (maybe that means on hold to you) and get into couples counseling before things get worse. I would also strongly advise that you look into individual counseling — even more so than counseling for you and your fiance. You seem to repeatedly be looking for a soft place to fall. When things aren't working out with your fiance, you start thinking about your ex. When things with your fiance are going well, your ex is probably non-existent to you. Really think about what that might do for your marriage if you followed through with it.

The reason most people wait to get married until they're into their late 20's and 30's is because you need time to grow up, to find yourself, to find what you want out of life, what your place is in the world, and someone who wants those same things. Someone who shares your same beliefs and dreams for life, and have a deep love for one another. It's pretty rare if not impossible to have that at 21. And it's not your fault. Life and getting experience in it, learning! just all take time.

What's the rush anyway? Regardless of the above, you shouldn't get married because you have a lot in common. A lot of people have things in common (like friends!), but they don't run off and get married! Clearly she is not "the one" now, but maybe she could be. That doesn't mean you have to get married to figure that out—marriage is for people that are past that point. However, some people grow up alone without being in a relationship, some try and do it together as a couple (and succeed and fail), and some will figure it out in later life, get together and end up growing apart. It's hard to control the outcome.

I will say this: if you're even wondering if you should stay together, you certainly shouldn't be getting married. Call of the wedding, give it a little time and counseling, and see if you are still feeling the way, if you guys have enough to survive and try to build on. If not, it's time to go.

I hate to mention that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but it is the truth. Would you be much happier if there was a fish out there for you, who was carrying a golf club or loved living in golf country or hanging out on the greens? Something to think about! Good luck.

[Eliza Jane]

I will preface this by saying that I was left by fiancé #1 and this post is a little triggerish for me. But I really want to reply in case something I say about my experience can help you and/or your fiancé.

No one can tell you what to do. You have said many negative things here, but none of us know the positive aspects of your relationship. Also, I would even caution you against going with your gut. Everyone goes through times of doubt and fear before getting married. You need to be able to step back from your emotions and look at the logical aspects of the situation too (this is one of the many ways that either individual or couples counseling can help.)

In my case, this is what happened. Fell madly in love with a guy, 13 mos later he proposed. Planned a wedding for 18 months later. After 13 months, out of the blue, he tells me it is over (5 months before the wedding). He apparently had many issues and concerns about the relationship that he never shared with me. He refused counseling because his mind was made up.

I was devastated. What followed was literally years of deep depression (which, although triggered by him leaving, had multiple causes) lasting decreased self confidence, and fears of being abandoned. It has been almost 10 years, lots of counseling, and I am about to get married to someone else and writing this still upsets me.

I say all this to urge you to really think this through before making a decision that could be very difficult for both of you. People are going to tell you that it is easier to get out now than after you are married. From a legal and financial standpoint this is true. However, don't kid yourself into thinking this will be easy on either of you.

Talk to your fiancee. Talk to a professional. Good luck whatever happens.

EJ