talking to Parents...

Has anyone else come to a point in their life where they feel like they can no longer understand the person(s) that raised them?

I've Been struggling with it a lot lately. I really only have had one parent. My dad (although he lives with us) has been a perpetual 5 year old and never filled a parental role. Never has he been there for us. The only time he has ever gotten "involved" so to say is to sabotage the family with emotional abuse and his revenge for abuse that occurred when he was a child. With few friends, my only go to has been my mom really (though i have finally made a close friend who i can talk to). I have always had my own opinions but i didnt say much because i either was shut down or too scared to tell her because she would get so angry or was too busy dealing with my dad. I'm moving out soon and the more and more i think. The more i realize i am angry (not just my dad) at her for not getting a divorce and events that have happened. I feel like i can't tell her because i she A. Wont get it B. Tell me i am wrong for my opinions and C. I dont want to destroy the one relationship i have. I act like i am okay, But the stress just kills me and i gotta do whats right for me. Our family as an entirety has never communicated well and i just feel so lost and betrayed. I use to think i could tell my mom everything, but its not true. I go through lots of things in my mind, and i feel like i can't tell her. I get really depressed and have thoughts about death. She doesnt even know or she doesnt acknowledge it (ive tried to tell her before but i get shut down pretty quick usually because she tries to rationalize why i feel a certain way instead of listening). She always tells me to smile, why smile if i am not happy? Its Like we are on two frequencies is the best way to describe it and the divide grows greater as time passes. I feel like she doesnt see how badly her actions affect me....

Even with that, i feel that i NEED to tell her because then i can't say i didnt try and i'm going to be gone soon (moving out). I need to get the weight off my back. I have a really hard time talking about it so i wrote a letter. Its now been a week and i still haven't given it to her i guess for fear of retribution. I've written notes in the past and gotten yelled at for doing so.
Has anyone written a note? or can relate to this?

Stay out of commenting on your parents marriage. They are in it together, you are not part of it. You had a crummy upbringing with immature parents who did not have much good to teach you about the world and only their own warped upbringing to give you. You are an adult now and moving out so you can now look for and gain any of that information you want/feel you need. Your parents, as parents, are done their job, as well/poorly as they did it or you currently think they did it. Parting shots as you leave will gain you nothing good.

When I was a teenager I did that once. I learned quickly to stay out of their marriage.
The issues your parents have are not because of you nor are they your problem to fix.
I used to feel that because they were my parents and their relationship affected me and that I had the right to say something.
I learned I don't and that when I did try I was only hurting myself in the process.
Unfortunately when your parents are not happy it hurts you and you just want it to end, but because you are not the reason of their issues you cannot fix them.
You have to let it run it's course and try to find a way to shield yourself from it and to not get involved. It's hard, but possible.

Hang in there...

While it's not up to you to decide if they should divorce or not, there are times when I do think it is ok to voice concern. Like if your dad or mom has been treating the other parent very badly, it's certainly ok to express your concern for them. But that is different then telling your mom you are mad at her for not getting divorced. Again tho, circumstances play a role. My dad use to beat my sisters and I. One day we did ask her why she didn't divorce him, and we talked about it with her, it actually helped heal our relationship. I think that should be reserved for serious issues like abuse tho, which you did mention. My sisters and I needed some answers as to why we were not protected. My mom told us why, we felt less confused, and moved on in our relationship with her.

Your mom might never get you the way you want her to. When she tells you to smile when you are talking to her about depression. Lots of people don't know how to offer the kind of support the person needs. Communication is important tho, I don't think you want resentment to come between your mom and you. Could you talk with her about what kind of support you need from her when you are depressed without making her feel defensive?

I've tried voicing my opinions but all i get in return are excuses or getting yelled at (when i was littler) and nothing changes so i've become more quiet, over the years...I've learned that it doesn't involve me but it troubling to watch an train accident waiting to happen. So i know it has to be her choice but i still care about her and hate seeing her get hurt. I didnt really attack the marriage in my letter (i tried to make it as nonthreatening as possible), mostly just questioned events that occurred. Even though I dont think she knows (which is why i am going to tell her) but my sister and myself feel guilty for there not being a divorce, even though rationally it wasn't our fault. There was many incidences when we were little where my dad would scream at us and throw things while my mom was at work (he worked at home.) We were too scared to tell her because she would work 12 hour days and didnt want to deal with drama and would get really angry. Nowadays she has quit her job and is a stay at home mom (so things dont get out of hand) She Says "we'll if i had known then what was going on, i would of divorced him" . I Just feel like my mom always wanted what was best for us, now i am not so sure. It's sick really, both my parents were abused as children and lived in dysfunctional families ( i dont see either extended family) and some how got together. My mom's mom has some sort of mental disorder but was never diagnosed because they don't believe in those things. needless to say a Negative + negative doesnt equal a positive if you don't deal with your problems.

Things are just messed up. I know i tried filling the void of an empty parent especially when i was little being the oldest child.
Though i know my dad is the main culprit (and i have told him we are done, we never had a relationship and until things drastically change we wont have one, he told me he doesnt want to change).
i feel my mom has been somewhat damaging too. He's more manipulative and doesnt care about anything but him, her on the other hand is all about maintaining order probably because of what has been happening...
I just feel like it can be "ignored" (and they both are) so to say easier because there is no physical involvement its pretty much all emotional abuse, (Although my dad did punch the wall at one time). Then i start trying to play it off, oh its not that bad but it still lingers...and the depression, is just all over the place, some days its not so bad, other days its a huge weight, i can't take it when she tries to blame it on something dumb like my work (works no big deal for me). I Get angry a lot too, the littlest things set me off, and my mom says i like being angry... its not true. I hate it, why can't i just be normal, or happy?

My parents are arguing right now, but ill try giving her my letter and talking to her about it tonight. But i have to say i agree with all that is said. But I know i gotta make it right on my own and do whats right for me. If I don't tell her, its like i am lying... and she needs to know the truth...

Sorry for my writing be so jumpy, i have a hard time concentrating on one thing at a time.

Hi Mike ~ When I was a very young woman, I was having alot of emotional problems (which I'd been having for YEARS). Both my parents were alcoholics, and they fought all the time! They were also emotionally abusive to the 4 of us kids. We were just "there" much like the furniture was. So when I got older, these things kind of kept festering in me, until I had a melt=down and I ended up in a mental ward of a hospital.

My psychiatrist MADE me write a letter to my parents telling them how their fights & actions made me FEEL and I had to mail it. I got a reply from my Mom, and she basically "pooh-poohed" the whole thing, saying they didn't know their actions affected us kids so much! Good grief. All us kids are on depression medications! At least 2 of us have had therapy, but ALL of us have needed it.

Personally I think it's important that parents know how you feel. I doubt it will make them change -- but they need to take responsibility . Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks lee

Well i Finally got the guts to give her the letter, and then i went immediately to the gym to work out some of the stress. When i got home i was expecting the worse, but to my surprise, it didn't happen (i guess i must of given it to her at the right time, my dad wasn't home which helped and she wasnt in a bad mood). She was bit defensive about the relationship with my dad which is understandable, but she didn't yell at me and start an argument, which is what i was worried about. Because i just wanted to be honest with her not fight. She did say she was sorry, and i think she meant it. She looked really sad when i explained everything and how i felt. She admitted that she agreed that she was emotional abusive to my sister and i when i was younger, and that it was wrong. So i feel better, still struggling a little bit but better.
I told her about the emotional rollercoaster i've been on most of my life and how i felt it was getting worse. Probably because physically i've gotten really healthy and now my body has more time to focus on the emotions.I told her everything about how i get really upset over nothing that one day and the next day it doesnt bother me, and how sensitive to i am to things she says or does. How i get really hyper, angry and then have times where i'm depressed for days. The only thing i didnt tell her is that sometimes i think about suicide, i couldnt bring myself to do it, but i think she got the point that i am really unstable sometimes. She says shes noticed some things and is ow concerned about my mental well being (which i dont know, i dont want her to worry about me, i can handle it and i'll get help), my sister doesn't do this so she asked me to talk to the doctor about it when i see him next. So i guess we'll see, it makes me feel better that i did it and I'm glad i did it before i leave the house (1 week from monday), i didnt want to leave it all hanging over my head.

YOu are very well spoken. If in your shoes, don't know if I could keep it all in either. There's alot you need answers to & to get off your chest. She/they may blow you off but at least you tried & they know how you feel. Now if you choose to stay away on a long term basis they/she will have the letter. Whether she keeps it, doesn't agree, or keeps making excuses is up to her. You've already talked to your dad & he said he didn't care, well there's one side you won't have to guess about.
Who knows how your mom will react, I suppose be prepared for anything.

You are moving out, just getting out of such a toxic environment will help. You never know how parents will react to that, maybe not at all. You are an adult, do what's best to help you move forward with your life.

Take care & keep posting.

Awesome!!! I'm really glad that you did it and it seems to have opened the door to communication for you both. I hope it continues to get better, maybe you will both understand each other a little better. I hope this can lead to a better relationship between you, and at least give you a little peace.

Good job!

Opps..Got my post in alittle late. Glad you got some resolution.

Thanks for your comments guys, they really make me feel better about everything. Even though it's going to be a bit scary on my own I cant wait to get out of this house, ive been wanting to leave for years.

I hope we can keep our communication going and that i can manage to keep that one parental relationship unlike they did with their parents. I am also really hoping that when my sister moves out, she leaves my dad. She has always said she would and when shes not with him she's a lot happier and more pleasant to deal with.

I have a good relationship with my sister so if worse comes to worse, i've got her. I've told her about my unpleasant thoughts and she tells me i'm being to hard on myself but she says she understands.