[Velvet Cactus]

Hi everyone! I wonder what you would do if you were in this situation:

You meet possibly the man you have been hoping for for decades.
He has been your friend for a short time but you have established a deep intellectual connection. One of the things he knows about you is that you are significantly overweight, but back at the gym burning it off. You are soooo sensitive about the issue (men have passed on you for this very reason so many times in the past you could barf!) you have asked him to not focus on it period. You assume you do not have a chance in hell of his being attracted to you, despite your commonalities and connections. He more or less confirms that for you by saying that lust goes a long way. He looks down and is outrightly appologetic about it. (As if he was sorry...) You know he has a right to his preferences so all you do is agree with him that yes it's important in a relationship. By the end of your meeting, which has gone very nicely, out of nowhere he says "Again, there's that all-important chemistry." (You equate "chemistry" as emotional, since you connected that way for the last hour for the first time! It's a nice surprise for both of you. But it could be physical (again) intellectual or spiritual.) Not to put words in his mouth, you DO imagine a silent "but" at the begining of the sentence. You smile widely and say "of COURSE!" with a d'oh to yourself!

Here is your dilemna: The man knows in 6 months you will be free of the excess weight. Can he not see that far into the future? You are surprised that he would not want to take it slow and build a solid foundation as he as only been divorced 2 weeks. That is not to say he did not check out emotionally from the relationship long before. He is likely to be in a period of touch deprivation which is spurring him on to put the cart before the horse...
Do you tell him to keep in touch and if you are both single and still interested down the line it'll be up for discussion? Do you just walk away? Do you stay once you have shown him what a dolt he is being, knowing he isn't that into you, physically? (So he thinks...)
Interested to hear your perspective!

[IceCreamKid]

You are talking about a man you know in real life, yes? And he has not asked you out? I think you should keep working out because you enjoy it; lose weight because you want to, and keep your eyes open for a man who likes you as you are right now. There is no need for you to be apologetic for your looks, and I don't think it is a healthy relationship if a woman has to beg a man into loving her 'in spite of' her flaws. Too many men will use that insecurity as a weapon to control the relationship unfairly. And that's not love. And what I have written here applies to men, too: I don't think it is a healthy relationship if a man has to beg a woman into loving him 'in spite of' his flaws. And come to think of it, it applies to same-sex relationships, too, imo. You're special and unique and beautiful when you are the best you as you are right now. Live your life now.

[Callmebj]

Kudos to IceCreamKid, who has given good advice. First, a man is who fresh out of a marriage is not a good choice, secondly, sounds like you've made up your mind to go after him, and to be very blunt here, you seem to want to push him. No man will take that long, if he is not into you, and did not ask you out; stay clear!! No body bargains for another's attention for the future thought of your being slender and more sexy. I doubt if there is that much wrong with you now that some man will find you attractive as is. However, like IceCreamKid said stay with your exercise, it is good for you. Personally I think from what you have said here; you are reading more into his brief statements; and if he questioned chemistry, I think that's clearly a message of
"I've met you, but I am not attracted."

Hate to be a downer here...but seems strange that you feel this has a future.

bj

[Eliza Jane]

I agree with the above. Also, I would add that if I knew that my bf wouldn't be interested in me if gained or lost 50# I would not truly feel loved. It would feel like our relationship was conditional.

EJ

[LookingforCalm]

Lemme tell you from experience, a recently divorced man is looking to get laid. They are NOT looking for a relationship, and that's a good thing. Who wants to be a rebound?

It's not so much about you having a chemistry with this guy, but you being confident in yourself. I suggest you don't fall into the trap that so many recently divorced people do, and that is have rebound sex in hopes of a relationship. I've been there. It's not about weight, it's about who really gives a damn.

Go out with him and see what happens. But don't expect anything. If he's only been divorced for two weeks, then he's lonely. And that is never a good reason to start something with someone (like you) that wants a real relationship.

[Velvet Cactus]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You are talking about a man you know in real life, yes? And he has not asked you out? I think you should keep working out because you enjoy it; lose weight because you want to, and keep your eyes open for a man who likes you as you are right now. There is no need for you to be apologetic for your looks, and I don't think it is a healthy relationship if a woman has to beg a man into loving her 'in spite of' her flaws. Too many men will use that insecurity as a weapon to control the relationship unfairly. And that's not love. And what I have written here applies to men, too: I don't think it is a healthy relationship if a man has to beg a woman into loving him 'in spite of' his flaws. And come to think of it, it applies to same-sex relationships, too, imo. You're special and unique and beautiful when you are the best you as you are right now. Live your life now.

Ok, you win!!! Thanks for reminding me.

[Velvet Cactus]

Thanks to all of you for weighing in. Like the Eagles sang, "I'm already gone!"

[growlycat]

I'm late to the party but much of what you describe could be me, only I haven't made it to the "getting healthy" part.
I wouldn't start dating a guy that is "stalling" until you lose weight. If he cared enough, and was less selfish, he would at least explore the idea with you, maybe by hanging out or excersizing with you!!
I struggle with this so much...when I was slimmer I had male attention, once heavier, it dries up. I feel like "why bother"...love to men is 98% physical 1% emotion and 1% bacon and other random thoughts. Love the male folk but it all seems so pointless. Work on yourself , and don't look. Someone right will come to you!!

[Velvet Cactus]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I'm late to the party but much of what you describe could be me, only I haven't made it to the "getting healthy" part.
I wouldn't start dating a guy that is "stalling" until you lose weight. If he cared enough, and was less selfish, he would at least explore the idea with you, maybe by hanging out or excersizing with you!!
I struggle with this so much...when I was slimmer I had male attention, once heavier, it dries up. I feel like "why bother"...love to men is 98% physical 1% emotion and 1% bacon and other random thoughts. Love the male folk but it all seems so pointless. Work on yourself , and don't look. Someone right will come to you!!

I love your percentages!!! Oh goodness he is not "waiting" until I lose weight! Any more than I am there to for him to cry on my shoulder. Right now his priority is matching his socks every day! Learning how to cook. Discovering where the vaccum is. Our paths will cross later down the road and it will be what it will be...

[Velvet Cactus]

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

Lemme tell you from experience, a recently divorced man is looking to get laid. They are NOT looking for a relationship, and that's a good thing. Who wants to be a rebound?

It's not so much about you having a chemistry with this guy, but you being confident in yourself. I suggest you don't fall into the trap that so many recently divorced people do, and that is have rebound sex in hopes of a relationship. I've been there. It's not about weight, it's about who really gives a damn.

Go out with him and see what happens. But don't expect anything. If he's only been divorced for two weeks, then he's lonely. And that is never a good reason to start something with someone (like you) that wants a real relationship.

I am well aware that his libido is making all of his decisions at the moment and for the next while. He needs to get trough that phase without taking me as a hostage.

[Velvet Cactus]

Originally Posted by Callmebj

Kudos to IceCreamKid, who has given good advice. First, a man is who fresh out of a marriage is not a good choice, secondly, sounds like you've made up your mind to go after him, and to be very blunt here, you seem to want to push him. No man will take that long, if he is not into you, and did not ask you out; stay clear!! No body bargains for another's attention for the future thought of your being slender and more sexy. I doubt if there is that much wrong with you now that some man will find you attractive as is. However, like IceCreamKid said stay with your exercise, it is good for you. Personally I think from what you have said here; you are reading more into his brief statements; and if he questioned chemistry, I think that's clearly a message of
"I've met you, but I am not attracted."

Hate to be a downer here...but seems strange that you feel this has a future.

bj

Well, well BJ. You are right I would not scare children on Hallowe'en as is Where do you get that I am pushing him? He has a big brain of his own. I am not sure sure the little boy knows what he wants.. But not my problem. (Was I delusional in thinking that the previous 400 men rejected me for the same reason, that he woulld not? Of course not!!) The few comments I posted were part of a longggggg discussion on relationships in general.
Unfortunately our paths will cross now and again. So like it or not (I don't) there's no escaping him. I have decided not to let him rent any more space in my head!!!