... is getting out of prison. He called us about a week ago. (He actually called twice, I hung up on him the first time.) And, of course, he needed a place to stay, then actually had the audacity to ask if he could work for me. I declined...

It's bothering my wife, and she doesn't need this with the stress of the new baby and my mood swings on top of it. He was very abusive, physically and emotionally. When I met her, she was emotionally traumatized, to say the least. While he was in prison, her self-esteem returned. But her behavior is starting to revert back to its old self now that he's contacting her again. I'm doing my best to help her, but she won't admit that anything's wrong.

By the way, he was in prison for assault and possession of narcotics.

[lynn P.]

Since he called and asked if he could work for you, I think his intentions seem to reflect he doesn't want to cause problems and is hoping to use both of you - asking for a job and place tp stay. He either has a huge ego or he's really dumb to think that you/wife would want contact after he abused your wife before. Is his behavior unpredictable? Is your wife afraid he might show up unannounced? Maybe get an unlisted phone number and consider a restraining order if necessary. Reassure your wife as much as possible. I hope he gets the hint and stays away.

[Psyched]

I guess this is when it's a good thing to be a psychopath!

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since he called and asked if he could work for you, I think his intentions seem to reflect he doesn't want to cause problems and is hoping to use both of you - asking for a job and place tp stay. He either has a huge ego or he's really dumb to think that you/wife would want contact after he abused your wife before. Is his behavior unpredictable? Is your wife afraid he might show up unannounced? Maybe get an unlisted phone number and consider a restraining order if necessary. Reassure your wife as much as possible. I hope he gets the hint and stays away.

Considering he has nowhere else to go and no money, I'm guessing he's asking out of desperation. In all honesty, I don't care. I already got two freeloaders living above my garage; I don't need any more. And they actually pay rent.

He has a huge ego and he's really dumb. He's predictable. But he's predictably violent and obsessive. I know he'll show up unannounced once his sentence has been completed, so does Nikki. He's not going to follow a restraining order, and we already have an unlisted phone number. Which makes me wonder how he got our number in the first place. He may be dumb and impulsive, but he knows a thing or two about criminal life. However, we do have a home security system, two very large dogs, and Frankie (one of the freeloaders) who is a black belt in some form of martial art. And, if we're careful, he's not going to be able to get either of us alone outside our home. I'm more concerned about Nikki falling for his crap again. She already thinks he has "changed". And she should know better...

Originally Posted by Psyched

I guess this is when it's a good thing to be a psychopath!

Haha... Unfortunately he may be a psychopath too. The typical, impulsive psychopath. I've never met him, but from Nikki's description and his ASPD diagnosis... I'm not saying I can't handle him, but it's not going to end well...

[loveregardless]

If you get a restraining order and he doesn't obey it then he goes back to jail. Definitely take legal action first and foremost.

[Rhapsody]

From what I have observed in life I feel as though ex-lovers and new marriages rarely mix well together, therefore, I suggest you be honest with this guys and let him now that while you and your wife both wish the best for him you two do not feel that you can allow him in your life.

Good Luck,

Originally Posted by loveregardless

If you get a restraining order and he doesn't obey it then he goes back to jail. Definitely take legal action first and foremost.

Nikki's the one who has to file the restraining order. I can't because I've never officially met him, and he hasn't even so much as threatened me. Nikki said, and I quote, "I'll file a restraining order if he tries to pull anything." And when he does pull something, she'll say, "Well, if he does it again, I'll get a restraining order." Not to mention he called her again and convinced her to go visit him in the halfway house before he's released. He's trying to weasel his way back into her life and the cycle of abuse will start all over again...

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

From what I have observed in life I feel as though ex-lovers and new marriages rarely mix well together, therefore, I suggest you be honest with this guys and let him now that while you and your wife both wish the best for him you two do not feel that you can allow him in your life.

Good Luck,

I did tell him that. But Nikki told him otherwise.

[lynn P.]

She's your wife, so I hope she wouldn't want anything to do with him, Was he ever arrested before for abusing her? If he was she could use this police record to get the restraining order faster. If he violates it his parole officer would know. Neither one of you should be speaking with him.

[NuckingFutz]

Unfortunately, the law is the law, but when it's violated, someone with APD could talk the arresting officer or parole officer out of it. You think I'm kidding, I'm not and you know this. Sorry you are going to have to be super hypervigilent to protect your family. The biggest danger is like you said, your wife knowing better but falling for it anyway. Hang tough!

Originally Posted by lynn P.

She's your wife, so I hope she wouldn't want anything to do with him, Was he ever arrested before for abusing her? If he was she could use this police record to get the restraining order faster. If he violates it his parole officer would know. Neither one of you should be speaking with him.

I hope that too. She doesn't want to have a relationship with him again. I'm fairly certain she feels she must appease him to protect herself and her family. You know, learned behavior. Or he's guilt tripping her into it.

He was never arrested for domestic battery. He only had assault charges from a drunken bar fight. And the person he assaulted happened to be the brother of an officer in narcotics division...

If it were up to me, she wouldn't be talking to him. But she does. And I can't exactly force her, or I'd be just like him. I can't force her to get a restraining order either.

He's getting released from the halfway house in a few days. Nikki is still "thinking about" finding him a place to stay, since I vehemently refuse that he stay on my property. I'll keep you updated.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Myers

Originally Posted by Rhapsody
From what I have observed in life I feel as though ex-lovers and new marriages rarely mix well together, therefore, I suggest you be honest with this guys and let him now that while you and your wife both wish the best for him you two do not feel that you can allow him in your life.


I did tell him that. But Nikki told him otherwise.

Why do YOU think she has done this? - are there still feelings left unresolved.
... fear of him would not make me want to help him.

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Why do YOU think she has done this? - are there still feelings left unresolved.

Yeah, probably. She hasn't seen him since she ran away from his home (I may have had a hand in keeping him away...), so she never really faced her problems. That, and she has learned over the years of being with him that not giving into his demands resulted in pain. Her timid, anxious persona is back again, as much as she tries to hide it. Even the kids have noticed her lack of authority and control. I miss my strong, sarcastic wife that threw knives at me, and we had the best sex...

[Psyched]

Myers, you crack me up

[kreg]

He of course is trying to leverage himself back in to her life. The job thing is just part of that. Give him no encouragement. Show no fear or be willing to discuss things. Seriously if it was me I would use prayer asking for help for him and the two of you. And I would have my gun in quick reach. The law gives you the right to protect yourself or another who is in serious danger of attack and not otherwise able to defend his or herself. Don't take the gun out unless you intend to use it. I've had professional training in this sort of thing.

Originally Posted by kreg

He of course is trying to leverage himself back in to her life. The job thing is just part of that. Give him no encouragement. Show no fear or be willing to discuss things. Seriously if it was me I would use prayer asking for help for him and the two of you. And I would have my gun in quick reach. The law gives you the right to protect yourself or another who is in serious danger of attack and not otherwise able to defend his or herself. Don't take the gun out unless you intend to use it. I've had professional training in this sort of thing.

I know what he's trying to pull. What I don't know is why my wife is now paying for the rent to the new apartment she just found him. Behind my back none the less.

And I'm not legally allowed to own a gun, except under certain circumstances. If he were to get shot by the gun I'm not supposed to have, I would be the one in jail, and he would be free to woo my wife (or dead). So shooting him is out, despite how much I may want to...

I do have a formidable home security system. But, of course, that security system is worthless if Nikki lets him in the front door. Honestly, he wouldn't be a problem at all if Nikki didn't allow him to have this hold over her.

[NuckingFutz]

And she knows better...

[kreg]

Yes allow is the word. Keep us informed

[NuckingFutz]

Maybe perhaps someone who knows didly about psychopathy is trying to help. Why would someond suggest a psychopath have a gun?

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Myers

I know what he's trying to pull. What I don't know is why my wife is now paying for the rent to the new apartment she just found him. Behind my back none the less. Wow that's really odd that she would do that.

And I'm not legally allowed to own a gun, except under certain circumstances. If he were to get shot by the gun I'm not supposed to have, I would be the one in jail, and he would be free to woo my wife (or dead). So shooting him is out, despite how much I may want to...

I do have a formidable home security system. But, of course, that security system is worthless if Nikki lets him in the front door. Honestly, he wouldn't be a problem at all if Nikki didn't allow him to have this hold over her.

What does your wife say - does she want to have contact with him? her loyalty is to be with you. Come on Myers you're a psycopath- surely they can't out smart you - right? lol He should stay away from both of you.

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Why would someond suggest a psychopath have a gun?

Hey, now... Just because I'm a psychopath, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to protect myself and my family. The problem with a diagnosis of psychopathy, or even ASPD, is that you're not very popular in the justice system. So, even if I were legally allowed to own a gun and shot him on self defense as he was breaking into my house, I'd still probably go to jail. And, if this guy does pull anything, I'm going to have a slim chance to charge him on anything, unless I have a plethora of evidence.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

What does your wife say - does she want to have contact with him? her loyalty is to be with you.

I don't know what she's thinking... I can guess, but she refuses to even talk about it. She insists that she has not and will not contact him. Yet she does, behind my back. But, yet again, her demeanor is very timid, and I have reason to believe she's helping him out of fear.

Come on Myers you're a psycopath- surely they can't out smart you - right? lol He should stay away from both of you.

I was hoping Nikki would snap out of it and I wouldn't have to fight her battles for her. But maybe I'm expecting too much from her? I don't know. If she doesn't find her cajones soon, I'll have to intervene.

[Psyched]

What will you do to intervene?

I think you need to handle this (in a legitimate way). I'm curious to see how you (a psychopath) would go about dealing with a situation involving another psychopath.

Nikki isn't going to be able to stand up to her ex- I know of women who have been in relationships with dangerous guys, but she's been married to two! It kind of says something about her, that she's easily manipulated & maybe not using really good judgment. I'm not insulting you, Myers, just making an observation. Hope you don't take it personally- I know you're trying to make your family work.

[Life10]

All you really have to do is change ur number or dont answer the phone or be honest with him and tell him how yall feel and if that was my wife and he wanted to stay with us and its her ex hmmm no..and he abused her nooo that should be understandable to this guy and for him to have the nerve to even ask for anything from yall is crazy..

[NuckingFutz]

Whatever happens Myers, may the right actions and the right words come to you at the right time to ensure the safety and cohesiveness of your family.

Originally Posted by Psyched

What will you do to intervene?

I think you need to handle this (in a legitimate way). I'm curious to see how you (a psychopath) would go about dealing with a situation involving another psychopath.

In an illegitimate way... Which is why I'm at a stand still right now.

Nikki isn't going to be able to stand up to her ex- I know of women who have been in relationships with dangerous guys, but she's been married to two! It kind of says something about her, that she's easily manipulated & maybe not using really good judgment. I'm not insulting you, Myers, just making an observation. Hope you don't take it personally- I know you're trying to make your family work.

Well, maybe I'll just have to manipulate her against him. He won't stay if he doesn't see an opportunity, or if he sees something/someone better. I just need to convince him that Nikki's not his girl.

[sabby]

Myers,

I know you are trying your best to do things the right way here. But, manipulating your wife won't do you or her any favors at all.

I believe you may be overthinking this issue a bit. I know it's hard not to when you are smack dab in the middle of it all.

Here is what I suggest to you:

Instead of being manipulated any more than she already is, she needs to make a decision. Is her marriage and life with you what she wants or is it him? At this point, if I were you, I would put down in writing what her options are as far as you are concerned. Let her know if you have feelings about what she is doing. Let her know how she may be destroying your marriage by trying to help her ex. Let her know that he is an adult and can take care of himself and find his own support system as she is no longer considered his support system when she married you. When she married you, she broke all ties with him and that boundary must be kept in place especially for the sake of your child.

I understand that you may not care what you have to do to protect your family. But, your child will certainly care if you do something harmful or illegal. Maybe not right now, but in years to come, it will work on him/her and it will cause much heartache. I get that you are trying really hard to not do the wrong thing. I applaud you for that.

I wish you and your family well.

sabby