Fiance looks at young girls...?

Will you take positive steps to get him involved in therapy for his child pornography addiction?

I will, but I don't know how.

Sunflower...there is a sexual addictions forum on this site (under Mental Health Support - Addictions)...maybe they will have some good ideas with regard to the child pornography addictions...in addition to couples therapy, you'd probably need a therapist with an expertise in this areas.

My ex-wife was raped repeatedly by her stepfather. My ex-girlfriend was raped repeatedly by her biological father.

He may not hurt your son. But please don't ever talk yourself into believing it's impossible. It's possible.

Please sit down with him and look at the information here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/inte...ion.htm#online
Near the bottom is a section titled Related articles for Internet and computer addiction. These are the resources for how to get help for child porn addiction.

My parents always had my well being in mind. They believed the person who SA me would never ever hurt me. He was a "good" dad, a highly respected teacher, an active member of our church, and I completely idolized him, loved him, and trusted him. He still betrayed the trust of my parents, his wife, and ultimately his children who grew to hate him as they grew old enough to understand how self-absorbed and damaging his behaviors were. There will be long-term effects on your son, even if he never lays a hand on him, when your son eventually becomes aware of his father's propensity for child pornography and his tendencies toward pedophilia. If your husband does not stop these behaviors, I promise you, somewhere down the road your son WILL figure this out. THAT will be very bad for your son and completely devastate him.

Hi, I have read through some of this and I have a relative who is much older than me. It was her, her sister, and her brother. Her father molested both her and her sister but never her brother. This was in the 1960s. Anyway, her mother was fully aware that her husband had a problem, but did nothing, and sadly even turned it around and was jealous of her own daughters.... who were small children! She's told me some minor things her father used to do and her mother's terrible behavior toward them, and it makes me sick that any child should go through that. It has effected not only her whole life, but her brother, too.

So, look. This behavior is like a time bomb in your house. This is not just "oh my husband looks at porn." This is damaging to him, to you, to your son, and to any future children. And even if you never had a daughter what about nieces? Daughters of friends? Your son's future school mates and friends? You've already said that he previously had a picture of a child he actually knew.

This is not something you can fix. This is not "gee, I wish my husband would stop looking at porn." This is something that will destroy your family one way or another....

I'm so sorry, I know it must be so painful to learn this about someone you love.

Hi Sunflower...I hope to be of some help.

I know this must all be a lot to take in right now, and I trust that some of the responses you've gathered haven't quite been what you were expecting. Please understand that we're only concerned. We are not judging you or implying whatsoever that you don't have your child's interests at heart. Clearly you do. We (especially those who've experienced firsthand) are simply concerned, is all.

Your fiance's behavior concerns me, even aside from the 13 year old (which I have to ask...how did he get?). To me, his ventures to sites designed for cheating speaks of a manipulative, untrustworthy personality, if you would please forgive me for being so blunt (I don't approve, but I don't mean to disrespect your fiance either, which is a fine thing to try to balance in text alone...). I know you said he stopped looking at those, but do you know for a fact he hasn't, or is that only his word?

I echo what others have said, and I am concerned. I do think it's admirable and completely and totally understandable of you to want to help him, but please understand you are taking a massive undertaking in doing so, and potentially a risk down the road. People with tendencies towards pedophilia are resistant to change as part of their psychological make up. This will take time and effort, and might not be wholly successful. I don't mean to discourage you. I only mean to try to prepare you for what may lie ahead.

I admire your courage and dedication in trying to make this work. You are a better person than me in that regard. Please, please forgive me if I offended in my post, as I understand that this is your fiance here. I only mean to help, and in order to do so, I must call things as I see them. We all must.

If I can be of help, feel free to PM me. I will keep you in my prayers.

Well the picture of the 13 year old girl was from facebook, she wasn't nude or anything... obviously if it's from facebook. You didn't offend me, I'm just so confused on what to do. While he is at work during the day all I can do is sit on the couch wondering what should I do. I guess it still hasn't sunk in that he is actually attracted to young girls, because when I'm with him it is perfect, but then I look through his phone to see what he's looked at and I'm physically shaking and heart broken. And yes I know for a fact that he doesn't look at those dating websites anymore, he doesn't delete his browser history ever. Well, until last night, I went to look at his history and everything was deleted, which makes me wayyy more suspicious, and the fact that he changes his phone password at least once a week isn't helping.

It still haven't even hinted that anything is wrong in the relationship.

I've been following your thread and haven't said anything yet. I understand what an awful situation this is to find yourself in, with the one you love.

He got the picture from Facebook and saved it in his phone, to do what with? Ok this is already a violation of sorts, maybe not legally but morally. I don't think the 13 year old put photos of herself on Facebook to be saved by older men and you know, I think knowing this she would likely not be pleased. If I were her parents I would be extremely less than pleased. That's actually quite scary because she is a preteen that he actually knows.

Yes why change your password on your phone once a week if you have nothing to hide, that is strange and a bit paranoid. I know everyone on this thread has already spoken out about this. I was molested by my friends father, actually 40+ girls were by this same man. My parents had met him and his wife and thought they seemed like wonderful people, family people. As my parents were very protective. This ruined so many girls lives. His wife knew and she didn't do much about it. I still hold her partially accountable for letting this happen and not doing anything about it.

Most people who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know. That is why this picture of the 13 year old he knows is especially alarming. It really isn't no big deal. Big alarm sounds going off here. What was his reasoning for having this picture if her saved? Sorry if you already said and I missed it.

I really really feel for you. But you have to do something to protect yourself, your son, and young girls he may come into contact with. I know you are scared and that you love him, I can't imagine how much this would hurt.

What exactly did you see on his phone that has left you shaking? I am really concerned here for you, and the safety of others. If you haven't even hinted that something is wrong and he is changing his phone password constantly and deletes his browser history, something does seem wrong.

I hope you continue to be strong, and I hope you find access to help for the both of you. Keep posting here, I know it's really hard but people really do want to help you.

Have you looked at those links Roadie sent you? You need to make a plan of how you are going to approach this. I know easier said then done when you are confused scared and feeling helpless.

You need to let him know something is wrong, how is this going to get set in motion if he thinks everything is ok. I would look into those links, call around and find out where you can get help. Then I would talkto him and tell him this is a problem, and that you have looked into help and you have options x, y and z. And that you must start workIng on this now and no more just talking about getting help, time to start doing.

You said you two have already talked about getting counselling and he agreed, so it is time to put it to action. You aren't going to feel any better about this until he gets help. Yes the help might fail, yes people with this sort of problem are resistant to change, you won't know this untill he gets help, talking about getting help has already been done right. Time to move forward on this.

He wouldn't tell me why he kept the photo of her on his phone, but I can only assume that he used it to masturbate to. I didn't see anything on his phone , but I picked it up to see what was on it and I was just shaking because I was scared of what I WOULD find. This is really hard, I think I'm going to talk to him tonight about everything.

I have been watching this thread off and on but hadn't said anything before. I feel terrible about the situation you find yourself in. I am sure it is a very scary place to be, and I know you care about everyone involved. I hope you will keep posting on here, and I hope your talk with him that you mentioned goes well. It does sound like as you are getting clearer about things as time has gone on, I hope that continues for you!

Well I talked to him. I was really nervous, but I did it. I sat him down and said we need to talk, I explained that I knew he was still looking at those websites and that he needs to get help. He then preceded to tell me that he was trying to stop and couldn't remember when he looked at them last...I then told him that he looked at them not even a week ago and looked for a very long time because there were multiple photos that he looked at.

I was calm throughout the whole conversation, I tried my hardest to be very supportive instead of sounding like I'm attacking him. Of course he got very defensive saying that he already told me that he would get help, and then I pointed out that he hadn't gotten any help yet... I tried to explain to him that what he is doing IS wrong (it seems like he doesn't understand what he is doing sometimes) I told him that if he didn't make steps to getting help that I would have to move out with our son.

Then he brought up the whole "your always saying your going to move out!" and then I told him I was being serious this time, and that I will move out because I need to think about my happiness and our sons well-being... and that my plan A would be him going and getting help and doing counseling together because i can't imagine myself being with anyone else and that i don't want to love anyone else... but since I'm a mom I HAVE to have a plan B. He wasn't happy about the conversation, but I said what I had to say and now it's in his hands.

If he doesn't take steps by the end of the month, I will officially be a single mom. I really really hope that doesn't happen.

Sunflower, I am incredibly proud of you. What you did takes a LOT of courage, so much so that some women never muster it despite things going far past what they have here. Make no mistake, you are doing the right thing, for both yourself and your son.

Wow, Sunflower, you have certainly grown up and taken giant steps! Please don't kick yourself all over the place if your timetable doesn't hold up--the end of the month is nearly upon us.

You realize he doesn't have time to get a program going, of course, but I hope you will let us know whether he responds at all responsibly after he's had some time to reflect. We'll still be here regardless.

Roadie


Roadie

I didn't mean for him to be in a program by the end of the month, I told him he needs to at least called his insurance to see if they will cover anything or called some therapists, I just need to see that he is serious about saving our family. But this morning he acted like nothing even happened.... I don't know I guess we will see when the end of the month gets closer and he runs out of time.

I am SO SO SO proud of you!!! You did exactly the right thing!

Whatever happens, I think you should seek counselling to help you deal with this life change.

Do you have anywhere to go or anyone to stay with if you need to? Start looking for your own place now, just in case, so you're not all stressed as the end of the month approaches.

Also, here are some links for womens' shelters just in case you need to leave in a hurry:

http://www.sienafrancis.org/
http://www.ccomaha.org/centers/domes...es-the-shelter
http://www.womenshelters.org/cit/ne-omaha

Even if you don't want to stay at a shelter, you can call them and they will help you find a place to stay and can help you connect with financial help (like cheap/free health care, subsidized housing, meal delivery) in your area.

Good luck to you, and remember we are SO VERY PROUD of you.

I am here anytime you need to talk. I will do everything I can to help you out, and I promise not to judge you, whatever you decide to do.

Did you give him the phone number/website of the sexual addiction program I posted?

Yes I gave him multiple phone numbers that he can call, and thankfully my mother has always been supportive of me so if I need to leave I have a place to go.

What did he say when you gave him the phone numbers? Did he look at them?

And that's great to hear that you have a supportive family and a place to go!

You have a supportive online family here as well.

We are all proud of you!! You are doing the right thing, for everyone involved including him. I'm so glad you took big steps forward. I know that must have been hard, it sounds like you handled it very well tho.

Let us know how it goes ok. It will probably not be an easy week or weeks ahead. We are here for you tho no matter how it goes.

He hasn't done anything with them yet, we have been busy these past couple days. On his day off he will look at them and hopefully start calling people.

I want to echo those who applauded what you did. It was very mature and commendable and I hope that he chooses well for all concerned.

Being able to look back on a HUGE red flag of my ex husband, I am very, very scared for you. This guy has some serious problems whether it be child porn, masterbation issues, infidelity issues or potentiall sexual abuse issues. Either way, I've listed enough to imply that these are bad things to have present in a relationship, much less potential exposure to a child.

Back in the 90's when I was pregnant with our second child, I walked in on him while he was masterbating IN FRONT OF OUR 13 MONTH OLD! Cell phones weren't around and definitely no home computer to foster his later useage of porn sites, chat rooms and swinger memberships. All that being said, it was indiciative early early on that my ex had some serious sexual issues of an unknown source. I actually was too afraid to leave our toddler and then infant son alone with him for at least 5 years until I knew they were old enough to communicate. Even then, I used to hire baby sitters constantly to watch them, even if he was home because the pressure was so great that I felt I needed a break. How sad? My ex knew I was doing this to protect the kids and NEVER made any sort of attempt to address the situation for what it really was.

His obsessive masterbating later turned into much bigger things and ultimately I ended the marriage due to sexual addictions and verbal abuse, etc...

GET OUT NOW!!! I know you feel like you can trust him because you have a life with him and a child. But take it from someone who gave the benefit of the doubt so many times, he's got problems!!! What you don't want is for him to do something inappropriate in front of or to your child as in my case. I knew my ex for 12 years before stumbling on this troubling behavior.

If you choose to stay (and I understand why you would), be prepared to protect your child at all costs because he may very well have no understanding of healthy boundaries and you don't want to find out until it's too late.