[Dennis P.]

I have been battling my feelings for a female best friend for about 3-4 months now. I'm really falling for her fast. But she is married. She does not get along with her husband, they are in a verbally abusive relationship and she really wants out. However, there are a lot of reasons why she wont leave, especially financially and not wanting to do have her gradeschool age kids go through a divorce. She really hates this man, but won't make a move. Last week, we professed that we are best friends and it would seem to me that she is wanting to take our relationship to the next level. She displays all the classic signs that she would like me, all the classic flirting signs and the flirting is progressing each time we see each other. We went out as friends last Saturday night to the movies and we seemed to have a great time together. But we can't talk to each other a lot because her husband might find out and then they would get into a fight. We email each other a lot, we text a lot and we even talk on the phone a lot when he is at work or at his sick mother's home. We email, text and talk for hours on end. She answers my texts very quickly, almost as soon as I text her. She use to tell me where she was going, but today (and in a couple of previous texts) she just simply said that she had to run down the road and will text me back soon. However, she did not text me back, I was the one to initiate the texting. But, as soon as I texted, we were texting away again. Another part of me is scared that our best friend frienship is going to come to an end due to the way she is not initiating the texts like she use to. I sometimes become afraid that she is not into it as much as I am because, like I said, I'm the one who is initiating the texts and she (it seems to me) dismissing me when she says that she will get back to me that she has to run down the road. But, then again, mabey she is trying to buy time away from her husband before he has to sit with his sick mother or before he has to go to work. But, it would really give me a better peace of mind if she would text me back instead of me being the one initiating the texts. Mabey it is overkill on my part. I don't know. I would go out with someone else to see if my feelings for her are genuine and to see if she really likes me because I don't want to wait around and this be a false hope on my part. But, then again, if I went out with someone else, that might ruin my chances with her. I don't know what to think, I'm so confused and I really have no where to turn to for advice. What do you think.... Thanks, Dennis P.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Dennis P.

I have been battling my feelings for a female best friend for about 3-4 months now. I'm really falling for her fast. But she is married. She does not get along with her husband, they are in a verbally abusive relationship and she really wants out. However, there are a lot of reasons why she wont leave, especially financially and not wanting to do have her gradeschool age kids go through a divorce. She really hates this man, but won't make a move. Last week, we professed that we are best friends and it would seem to me that she is wanting to take our relationship to the next level. She displays all the classic signs that she would like me, all the classic flirting signs and the flirting is progressing each time we see each other. We went out as friends last Saturday night to the movies and we seemed to have a great time together. But we can't talk to each other a lot because her husband might find out and then they would get into a fight. We email each other a lot, we text a lot and we even talk on the phone a lot when he is at work or at his sick mother's home. We email, text and talk for hours on end. She answers my texts very quickly, almost as soon as I text her. She use to tell me where she was going, but today (and in a couple of previous texts) she just simply said that she had to run down the road and will text me back soon. However, she did not text me back, I was the one to initiate the texting. But, as soon as I texted, we were texting away again. Another part of me is scared that our best friend frienship is going to come to an end due to the way she is not initiating the texts like she use to. I sometimes become afraid that she is not into it as much as I am because, like I said, I'm the one who is initiating the texts and she (it seems to me) dismissing me when she says that she will get back to me that she has to run down the road. But, then again, mabey she is trying to buy time away from her husband before he has to sit with his sick mother or before he has to go to work. But, it would really give me a better peace of mind if she would text me back instead of me being the one initiating the texts. Mabey it is overkill on my part. I don't know. I would go out with someone else to see if my feelings for her are genuine and to see if she really likes me because I don't want to wait around and this be a false hope on my part. But, then again, if I went out with someone else, that might ruin my chances with her. I don't know what to think, I'm so confused and I really have no where to turn to for advice. What do you think.... Thanks, Dennis P.

This is a very tangled situation.

First, if she is in an abusive relationship it is probably very difficult for her to be texting you. Texts leave a trail of a conversation. I think some phone companies even have it so you can see how many texts you send and to which numbers, so even if she is deleting your texts, maybe he checks up on her???

Second, being in an abusive relationship for a long time, she's probably got some issues that, even if she did leave him, would continue to persist for a while. Also, she probably is craving positive attention like a man in the desert would crave water. That can be good and bad for her.

Third, getting her emotional support from someone other than her husband (you) is cheating, so she may be feeling guilty about that. And she may be confused about it, too.

Last, maybe she knows that she's not going to leave her relationship despite the abuse and is trying to distance herself. Because it isn't fair to you, either, to make you sit and wait if she's not going to leave him. So whether she likes you or not, if she refuses to get herself out of there, then it doesn't matter.

What she really needs is therapy. She needs to get out of being abused especially if she has kids, because she's only teaching her kids to be abused. But I have to say that is easier said than done. And maybe even if her husband is abusing her she does love him, plus on top of that people who are abused are not so easy to get away from the abuser even if they want to.

My advice is instead of just telling her that she is your best friend, tell her the truth of how you feel. Say you understand she is married and you will not act on your feelings unless she is divorced. Tell her dispite your feelings you will date other people because she is married. Maybe hearing that someone who isn't abusive loves her will shake her up, because abused people don't think anyone loves them. It may also end your friendship. But the truth will set you free of your confusion.

[lynn P.]

Hi Dennis P. - I think its important to realize you're seeing only one side of this marriage problem. She may be in a verbally abusive relationship or when relationships are rough, sometimes there's a lot of bad fighting. You're getting only her side. If you were married - would you want your wife to get emotional support from another man? If her husband has a sick mother and they have young kids - this is a lot of family stress. Maybe these 2 just need marital counseling.

I've been through terrible marital problems but I don't run to another man and talk about my husband. If this woman were to divorce her husband and end up with you...when things get rough between you, she'll run to another man. If there's hope for her ad her husband, she needs to look to him for emotional support and having feelings for you will prevent this. Be wise and know there's 2 sides to this story. People who cheat always manage to justify what they're doing.

[Dennis P.]

I kinda already know what the answer to this issue. There are too many dynamics behind this delima of mine to really discuss. And I believe that this issue will eventually weed itself out because it is just not ment to be. There are already signs that it will come to an end. When, I don't know, but the signs are there. I've already actively been seeking other women to go out with and people are always trying to fix me up with other girls. But it is hard to let go of someone who you have become soooo close to. And, im my opinion, really close. We can tell each other anything without fear of the other running and telling anyone anything. I did test the waters a little, she found out and I could tell by her voice tone that she did not like it that there was possibly another woman interested in me. I know that it will eventually come to an end, just like almost eveything else in my life does. So many people and things have come and went in my life. It is just hard. I've been divorced now for 6 years and it does not get any better it seems. Especially at night when everything slows down. I do stay busy a lot, but I can only stay busy for so long. But any advice would be appreciated.

[unaluna]

What does that mean exactly, she is "running down the road"? I say move on with your life, it sounds like your friend is already moving on ("running down the road") with hers, sorry.