[Myzen]

Hi folks,

Oh well, as I seem to be in the middle of a depressive relapse I find myself with all the associated embarrassment, yet again!

I've been playing guitar and singing in some pubs and venues around my home and got to know a few nice people. Suddenly I'm not around, because of the downturn, and then when I bump into people I say "Oh, sorry, I've had flu" and then someone says to me "What, for a month! Where have you been?" It's a fair question.

The worst is that I was booked to play at a concert tonight, with my name actually on the posters, and I've had to cancel. When I woke up this morning I knew I hadn't the energy for it.

My wife phoned the organiser and I hear her on the phone saying "He's lost his voice." Good grief, it's lies, all lies. Why can't I just tell the truth for once.

At one of the venues I've been playing at, the organiser's wife is a psychiatric nurse and I just know that I couldn't let her know about it. I'm so ashamed. This is the only place that I get to use the words 'depression' and 'anxiety disorder.'

I try to keep positive with my posts, as you folks know, but it's not an easy ride. I went to a poetry group once where there was a woman who was very ill with depression, in and out of hospital, EST and everything, but when she wasn't around, the other women said the fateful words "She doesn't help herself" Good grief, I just don't want that said about me.

Thanks PC for letting me vent on this stuff.

Cheers, M

My dear friend,

I'm going to tell you what I think. Some people are scare of going on a plane. So they don't go on trips if they have to get on a plane. But whether they say to people they are scare or they don't feel like travelling or whatever reason, it is their right to say whatever reason they want. It's nobody else business.

A lot of people hides things. It is not only people with mental illnesses that hides. This world is judgemental and can be very cruel. So people protect themselves by not saying really what is going on with them. I do that too and this is one that I don't feel guilty about. I have been hurt too often.

Just like you Myzen, It's your business. If you want to say that you have the flu, well say it. Or any other reason you want. Don't feel guilty about it. You are, in a way, just protecting yourself.

((((((((((((((Myzen))))))))))))))))

[funnygirl]

Hi M

You accepted the gig when you were on a high, presumably. Name on poster - great! No problems. Then as the time drew nearer you began to feel uneasy and unsure one moment then confident the next, in turn. Probably the day before the gig, you began to have serious doubts about your ability to go through with being on display. Added to this were your concerns about letting down the organisers and patrons. All this vacillation compounded your guilt and therefore depression.

My analysis is this: You had too long to think about it, you had your name on the posters, people were probably buying tickets, etc. A lot of responsibility for a person who tends to suffer from anxiety at the best of times.

If you'd been going to a casual gig at a local pub or venue, none of this depression would have kicked in.

My advice - don't be talked or pressured into making ambitious plans, don't plan too far ahead - stick to casual gigs where you can turn up or not, as the mood takes you. Then you'll be fine - it will help your day-to-day mood, and no great depression will build up.

Be kind to yourself, and (as you've heard me say before) keep busy.

FG

[Myzen]

Hi funnygirl,

I have to say that your analysis seems to be spot on. You have described my mental process almost exactly, it's uncanny.

The only difference is that I did have a worry as soon as I saw the poster (which I hadn't agreed to). I had just expected to be doing a floorspot, like in the pubs. Yes, I was flattered, but the shadow was there.

I have already thought that I would be better sticking to open mics, and oddly I do better at places where I'm not known. The 'mysterious stranger' is the role I am easiest in every time.

Thanks funnygirl, you really helped me there.

Good one.

M.

[Myzen]

Thanks TimeO,

You understand.

Good thoughts, M

rock on, Myzen. you're okay. a depressive period happens. believe me, i know that!! hang in. xoxoxo pat

[Myzen]

Fay,

A bit of perspective from someone who knows the score, now that's worth having!

Good thoughts, M

thanks, M...sometimes i wish i could score a little lower...know what i mean???? i'd like to be average in something. and being there in depression would be cool.

[drunksunflower]

I guess you need to work out what you want out of your music. To me, it is an honour to be asked to play places as you have been. Why do you get anxious? Maybe if you think around that ... you could overcome it.

Sure you could stick in a safe place, and only play randomly when it feels 'comfortable'. But WOW you are obviously good at what you do, and (just in my opinion) it's a bit of a copout to do what you just did. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things and then what do you know, you've done it, and next time is a bit easier.

I've never been really confident about speaking in front of groups of people. I've been good at it when I have had to do it. But from forcing myself to do it - now it is something i LOVE to have the opportunity to do. And when you overcome anxiety/fear around a certain thing, you a) conquer that thing and b) it makes you feel better about yourself in general.

i don't mean this to be an unsupportive post so please don't take it as such. i hope you sort things out

[jmo531]

Myzen,

I'm sorry I didnt respond to this sooner. I know what your going through and I am sorry your finding yourself in a bad way again.

It's hard to come out and say what is really bothering us because we fear embarressment and shame as we are afraid people will not understand.

From what I know from you, you are a strong person. I know when we go through these "rough patches" it's hard to keep our head up. It's like being kicked while we are down. I wish I had the magic answer. I wish that none of us had to deal with the hell depression and anxiety put upon us.

Stay strong friend. Keep doing your excersizes (breathing), journaling, whatever you need to do to get past this. Keep talking to us, posting, venting, whatever. Your not alone. We are all here to help you in anyway we can.

Good thoughts.

Jen