[WolfsGirl]

I haven't posted in several months b/c life has just been crazy. It has been the hardest 8-10 months of my life, i do believe. There's just no way to go back and catch y'all up on everything, but if anyone has questions i'll be glad to answer.... Here's the short version of "this" particular issue:

Wolf and I have been together now 2 years next month. He was adamant that we would never get married (we've been living together for 18 months) for many reasons, the most significant being that his first wife was a "whack-a-doo" (his word) and their marriage was pretty miserable from the get go. Well, low and behold, one morning he proposed! And I accepted, and so.... we're married. yay.

We've never had much of a physical intimacy... sex during the first 6 months was very occasional, maybe twice a month, never anything "to write home about". Oh, I asked him what was going on, believe me! I happen to have a very healthy appetite, and I was starving, you know??

He told me that altho he loves me very much, he just has no desire for sex. He said he thought it was probably a result of many things: his ex, his psych meds, PTSD, intimacy issues.... So, while i was certainly not happy about things, i resolved to let him work thru things in his own time. I never once pressured him for sex. I would from time to time remind him that i am a woman with normal (maybe more than that) needs- to be touched, to be held, to be loved, to feel wanted, etc. More often than not, it would be met with a "I know, i'm working on it. you don't think i want to be this way, do you?"

fast forward to now. Last year, the whole calendar year, we had sex once, in November. This year? Once, so far. Have I strayed? Have I cheated? nope. I am sooooo frustrated, and at time feels absolutely hopeless. But i'm here. And i still love him and want him.

now, i find out he's answering personal ads on craigslist, has accounts on about 6-8 hook up sites..... is telling girls/women that he loves to do things he won't do with me.... telling them he's single.... planning to meet up with them.... offering rides on our bike (big, huge no-no to put another woman on a wife's "***** seat").

i confronted him with what i knew and he turned it back on me saying i had broken the trust by snooping thru his email and he didn't know if he could ever trust me. WHAT????? I'm not the one trying to hook up with other people!!! He said he was just curious about the cons people were running these days..... he'd never really do anything with any of them....

yeah, he would. i set him up. i put an ad on craigslist i knew he couldn't resist... and he responded. and i texted with him for a couple of days posing as this other girl. and, yes, he did go to meet her/me. the darndest thing happened, tho, her dinner break got all messed up and she couldn't leave to go meet him. he doesn't know she is me, of course....

WHAT IS HE DOING????? i am soooooo confused. i'm mad as hell, feel used, and feel like every time he answers an ad it's like a stab to my heart. he doesn't know i'm monitoring him. yeah, snooping, i'm still snooping. i can't trust him. he lies. and he'll deny that.

can anyone explain to me, in terms of any psychiatric illness or symptomology, what he's doing???

[Trippin2.0]

It's called plain deceitful. I'm not sure why you need to put a psych label on your husband, the 'D' word seems more than enough from this angle. I won't presume to know what goes on in your marriage, but I don't understand why you put up with this disrespectful behaviour, AND stress yourself out with all the snooping and 2nd guessing. Please speak to him, find out if he's willing to go to therapy with you so you guys can get to the bottom of this. You don't deserve such misery. XOXO

[Harley47]

Trippin nailed it...I am so, so sorry. He is outright cheating on you, no matter how you try to paint it.

I don't like advising couples to split apart...I don't feel it's my place to do so. However, what he's doing on the scale he is doing is, to me, a deal breaker.

I am sorry. I hope things work out for you. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk or if I can be of help.

[dailyhealing]

I agree with the above. I don't know you, but I know people deserve better from a relationship. I have a bit of a hard time with you saying you are snooping, do you really have a choice? I mean, he is lying to you about mostly everything. I, like Harley, don't really like the idea of telling others what they should do. But I think the ONLY way this could possibly work is through couples therapy. And frankly he doesn't sound like he is really capable of doing the work it would take to earn back your trust (he is blaming you for snooping???). I, too, think it is best for you to move on. You deserve much better! Thanks for posting, I hope to keep hearing from you. And I, too, would be happy to talk through PM if you need someone to listen!

[Moodysmood]

I'm not certain how he can say he's self aware and interested in getting help, but acting toward the contrary and in such a blatantly disrespectful way toward you. I think it was good you confronted him and his embarrassment/defiance was understandable because he was caught, but I don't know how beneficial establishing a fake personality to flirt with him was. Me personally, I think this would have killed me. I would never have been able to carry it on as far as you did. Having medical issues and previous history with another woman is one thing, but your desires are valid and this man doesn't seem to be on the same page as you nor does he want to be. I don't know the reason he decided to change his lifestyle when he originally said he wouldn't but if I'm honest, if there's no real interest in resolving your personal interaction, I don't believe he wants to continue the marriage but does not want to move on maybe due to personal comfort. It's wrong for you to have to put up with that disrespect. You are worth more than this. I don't know if confrontations or ultimatums are your thing, but if I were you, I would consider your personal feelings and do what's in your heart. You don't have to stoop to his level and cheat. You're better than that. I leave your decision to you and send hugs.

[PsychGirl123]

Trippin is right on the money. I'm so sorry this is happening to you I really hurt for you! What he's doing is not right. Setting him up wasn't exactly the right thing to do, but I guess at least you found out some truth to what he was doing. The right man for you would be patient with your inexperience and shouldn't be pulling away from you and seeking intimacy from anyone other than his wife.

You need to get into couples/marriage counseling or therapy IMMEDIATELY and sort this out, and find out what led him to this place of deceit. If he refuses to go, don't make plans to divorce or leave him just yet, but go to a therapist yourself to try and deal, in a healthy manner, with the affects this is having on you, so you can be better prepared with what may happen and how you will deal with it when it comes.

Maybe he has some sexual desires/issues, intimacy issues, a really strong libido... maybe he enjoys the thrill of a potential rendezvous, who the hell knows. But if you want to save your marriage and eventually find some closure to these problems, forgiveness, or, in the worst case scenario, the relationship, you need to get a professional involved.

Good luck! I'm happy you found love but I'm sorry this guy feels he can do this to you. You deserve better! Hang in there.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

It's called plain deceitful. I'm not sure why you need to put a psych label on your husband, the 'D' word seems more than enough from this angle. I won't presume to know what goes on in your marriage, but I don't understand why you put up with this disrespectful behaviour, AND stress yourself out with all the snooping and 2nd guessing. Please speak to him, find out if he's willing to go to therapy with you so you guys can get to the bottom of this. You don't deserve such misery. XOXO

[IceCreamKid]

You deserve better than a chronic fantasizer. Normally I would encourage married people to try to stay married but you're being cheated out of a real marriage, staying with this guy. By the way, his "whack-a-doo" 1st wife probably wanted him to straighten up, too.