Hate lying, strict, over controlling father

Gothgirl7 · Apr 05, 2012, 06:58 AM

I wanted to delete my other post, but don't know how to do this? I'm 25 but my parents still treat me like I'm 15. It drives me insane. I mean I pay board so I want to be treated like an adult. My life has been very sheltered and I was naive coz of it. My parents always guilt trip me and say things like "we were only helping you" etc etc. I'm a grown adult yet he swears his head off that I want to leave home. We aren't remotely religious and we aren't a ethnic minority. So I don't know why they think you have to be married just to leave home. All I get is swearing and verbal abuse from my father, when I try and talk to him. Is it any wonder wonder why I've lost respect for him?

I don't understand why everyone else my age is getting married and having kids. Yet they never want me to grow up. What gives? My dad says he's lenient just like his sister/ my aunt. I laugh my head off. My cousins my age have already left home and have kids- out of wedlock. But if I did this my dad would be screaming at me calling me swear names I probably can't mention here. The only reason why I haven't left home is I've been lost career wise.

What do they expect me to do? Live at home until I'm 35, when I'm not even allowed to have a boyfriend stay over?!

My dad is a liar he says everyone is like him. But not even his sisters and brothers are this strict. He says he understands but obviously not. And another thing my parents ALWAYS play favourites. They for some reason always give more independance to my sister, even though she's 4 years younger than me.

I want to apply to live on campus at a uni, just to finally get away. Why don't they understand this?

Gothgirl7 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:06 AM

I mean my father does nothing but yell and swear. As usual I feel like the only adult in the situation. Yet none of us are allowed to verbally abuse him. I utterly can't stand his double standards.

E.g Screamed in my face when I stayed out and didn't come back. Fast forward last week my parents had a fight. He left and didn't say where he was going at all. Yet nothing was even said to him when he got back.

E.g Tells me that no one leaves home at my age. But I can prove him wrong. Even though all my cousins already have aswell. Then brags about his new recruit at work who is a year younger than me and is already married with a kid. Yet he always told me never to settle down young, but never explained why.

Talking to mum NEVER works. She sides with him no matter what. She even makes us apologize when he lies.

I wanted to talk to extended family, but we only see them at christmas. And last year there was a huge storm and everywhere got flooded. So we didn't go.

Gothgirl7 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:07 AM

My dad hates his father, yet turned EXACTLY into him.

Gothgirl7 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:09 AM

I tried therapy, but it didn't work. I wanted actual coping skills and actual solutions, but didn't really get any.

bowhunt72 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:53 AM

I can tell you're really hurting about this. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. My situation is only a little bit similar. I'm 40, and my older brother who is 43 has always been the favorite. He still is, even though he is now in federal prison because of a child porn conviction. My parents always want to stay in close contact with me, probably because I am the father of their only grandkids, but I just want to be left alone. A lot of my screwed up head is probably a result of how they treated me growing up. Now I'm living by myself and broke because of a situation that's my own fault, and I'm being forced to accept their help because I have nowhere else to turn. I feel like I have to go visit them on Easter because they are helping me, but it's killing me. I just want to be left alone. Let them have their judgmental religious lives, but leave me out of it. Trying to work through all of this in therapy, but I just don't like them. No great wisdom, but I can at least offer a little sympathy.

Scotty204 · Apr 05, 2012, 10:50 AM

I moved out when I was 21 so the age thing he is spinning is only his view. Have you thought of renting an apartment to get out of the house? The environment seems toxic to me and i know if I had any income I would get my own place.

Open Eyes · Apr 05, 2012, 10:58 AM

Gothgirl, I can see more an more why your other problem bothers you and it is from this situation here as well. YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDANT PERSONA AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT, NOT YOUR FAULT.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Gothgirl7 · Apr 07, 2012, 12:22 AM

I mean I went to a therapist and she was like so what my parents are the same. Can you believe this?

Aslan · Apr 07, 2012, 02:15 AM

sounds like hes doing his best to protect you, hes obviously not
the perfect parent you would like. your old enough to choose
for yourself, concerning leaving home.as for letting boyfreind
sleepover, you have tolive by the house rules,
totally agree with no sleep overs rule.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 12:30 AM

Protect? More like over protect. I don't get most people can't wait to get their kids out. But instead mine never want me to leave.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 12:31 AM

I mean everyone else is either getting married or having kids. Most people leave home 18-25, so why do I get nothing but verbal abuse?

Trippin2.0 · May 16, 2012, 01:04 AM

Maybe he doesn't want to 'lose' you... Maybe he's scared for you... He knows you had a sheltered life, and frightened by what may happen with bf's and such when he's not there to watch over you... I'm not saying his behaviour is right or even remotely acceptable, but isn't that a possibility, even a slight 1? Btw, I'm nearly 28 and have never had a bf stay over, house rules and I respect it, I don't find it unreasonable at all. I just went to spend the night at his place (ex bf now). I can't leave home, not yet anyway, my mother's elderly and confused, so I have to wait until my eldest sister extends their house and has a place ready for her. We can't change our parents, but we can cut the chord, leave as soon as you're able to. Simple. He can't make you stay. What's he gonna do? Tie you up? Call the cops, and tell them what? 'my adult daughter wants to leave'? You have a choice, take advantage of it.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 01:39 AM

I just can never understand their reasoning. And of coarse they never explain either! I mean they say I'm sheltered and I actually asked them once then why did you bring me up that way? But I got no answer at all.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 01:43 AM

Well I'm a mature person for my age, I really think they should give me a huge break. I actually asked once then why did you bring me up really sheltered in the first place? But they didn't answer.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 01:46 AM

Well I actually asked them why did you bring me up that way for? It didn't help me. But tehy gave me no answer.

Trippin2.0 · May 16, 2012, 02:08 AM

If you're the 1st born or 1st daughter, then as a parent, I'd say, the answer seems quite obvious. They didn't really know what they were doing, and thought you needed to be protected and sheltered from the ugliness of the world, buuut, took it too far. That's my theory anyway. Most parents won't admit to having made an error in judgement where their kids are concerned. It's a matter of pride. You say they don't help you understand, now while I know that makes things harder for you in certain areas, try not to judge TOO harshly, I say this bcoz 1, you don't have their POV, so you admittidly don't know what they think or feel. 2, you don't have kids, so empathizing is impossible, and 3, you're not married, so you don't understand your mom's position as a spouse. You also mentioned that your dad screams and swears alot. Do you ask him these questions when he's on a tirade or do you wait for when he's calm? If you haven't tried the calm sensible approach, please do, if you have, well then all you can do is ask them to realize you're an adult, and any mistakes you make, are your own to fix. They're not accountable for you, you are, and you're ready to live your life without their microscope... Also, please don't get into arguments aka shouting matches with them or compare yourself to either of them. Parents D0N'T take you seriously when you do that. All they see is a little girl throwing a tantrum and so CANNOT see you as an adult that is genuinly upset at those times. Ps, not saying you do the above, just have experience with overbearing daddies. Yip, 2, my dad and eldest brother who was old enough to be my dad

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 03:03 AM

I have tried the sensible approach- I'm the only sensible person in the situation.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 03:06 AM

I even went to a therapist for Petes sake. But she really didn't help much. I've always been the responsible one as I'm the eldest. I think they should give me a huge break. They didn't help me by making me sheltered, ibeing sheltered got me into a lot of trouble coz I was so naive.

Gothgirl7 · May 16, 2012, 03:18 AM

I have tried to talk to them calmly- unlike them. I wish they didn't make me sheltered, it did way more harm than good. Now I get insults from people why haven't you left home yet? Etc etc

Trippin2.0 · May 16, 2012, 03:24 AM

So since you're not getting answers, what exactly do you WANT from your parents then? What is it you expect but aren't getting? Equal treatment to your sister? More freedom? Permission to leave? Acknowledgment of you as a woman? I ask bcoz it's really hard for anybody to take steps moving forward if you don't know where forward leads... And I'm sorry if I'm being dense but I for 1, don't understand what it is you want, so I wander if you know, if your parents know... Like I said before, leaving is an option as I'm assuming you work coz you pay board.

Healthnutz2 · May 16, 2012, 06:14 PM

Wow, Gothgirl7. I get this can be a big problem. Myself, HAD to get away at a young age due to this same crap. Just scrounge up your own cash to become financially independent...stick with your real friends for support. Maybe on campus life will be enough.