I need your support.

Well, I wish I had a houseful of all my friends from PC. He just pulled out of the driveway. Of course, he didn't get all his crap out. He'll be back Monday, but he sure is making it as easy on HIMSELF as possible. He says he's going to his sister's house for the weekend. Either she or John have been calling him incessantly. No one has called me to see how *I* doing. That's probably because I'm the "strong *****" and they all know I'll survive.

WHY???? Why do I care????

Looking at things as objectively as I can, it's the little things that bother me, that scare me, that I don't know how I'll handle. Like moving a big flower pot to level the ground under it, another flower pot that just out of my reach so I can see why the bulbs aren't coming up, like digging the vacuum cleaner out of the shed and sotring it where I can reach it.

Excuse me???? He left the damn ferret!! I just heard it in his room!! JUDAS H. PRIEST!! And I'm crying because he's gone??? BUT I CAN'T STOP!!!! Anger, frustration and where the hell is this pain coming from??? WHY?????

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You've come such a long way from when you and I first started PMing! You really, really have!! Pat yourself on the back, stand up a little straighter, puff out that chest!

((((((((((tomi)))))))))) hon is there a way to call him to come back to get his animal? and move the vacumn in for you? geesh what a jerk!

I could call him, but I'm not about to! He said he'd be back on Monday... after I told him I wanted a clean break!! He doesn't care that I can't handle all this "I'm gone, no I'm not"!!

At least I have the weekend to lick my wounds... Maybe they will have formed a thick crust by then.

Okay before anyone thinks I'm being hard on ya Tomi, I love you dearly and know ya can do this, you have suffered through this way too long, you almost became his victum, (he had his cake and was eating it too) you are free girl fly we are beside ya all the way

How could anybody think you're being hard on me with those words!? {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's gonna take me a little bit, but I fully intend to fly one of these days. Yes, I just had the same thought a bit ago, he's been keeping me down. His apathy is contagious.

He's only been gone since this morning and I can already feel a sense of freedom and my own habits and ways of doing things coming back; something as simple as keeping my cigarettes in the freezer! I can turn my music on full blast and take a shower with the door open! His infernal jazz or blues hasn't been playing today! YooooHoooooooo!! LOL It's okay in moderation but I had to listen to it 24/7 or his O'Reilly Factor, Larry Elder! All they are is screaming matches!!

Angie, I WAS his victim! He could scream at me and call me names, but I didn't dare do it in return! NOT A VICTIM anymore! I'm a survivor! That's not to mean that I won't start crying again just from saying the word, but I'm feeling just a might better already!

Angie, thanks for your wonderful words!

This has to be a hard day and night...in spite of all..When I ended an abusive marriage I was all over the place for about a week or so...even though I hated him..he umm tried to kill me...and could be such a creep...being alone was a mixed bag..then it was ALL GOOD..course I had a dog and cats ...have company over and junk to keep GOOD people around
hugs

I suppose the night could get worse, but actually, he would fix dinner and take it to his room and eat and leave me in the kitchen to eat mine. He's stay in his room unless he came our to make coffee, so... I was alone at night, anyway. But even then, the nights were hard.

So far, two of my friends have called to check up on me and I have promises from both to come visit ASAP. They are both training for the AIDS run in LA in June, so... we'll see.

My cat is being kinda cute. He follows me outside and pretty much sticks close. He also has been sticking close inside. He, no doubt, senses something because he's not nearly as freaky now as he's been the last couple of weeks. That's a good thing... for both of us.

Weird what's bothering me now; the places where he put things. I feel like I have to change things around to keep them from reminding me of him. (gulp) They either elicit tears or anger.

Ok! That does it! I need to stop talking and thinking about him!

Jerry's gone, but he's not.

Jerry left yesterday. He said he was going to his sister's house down south. He didn't take anything with him but it's seemed that he's been packing this past week. His room is a mess, all the junk outside is still there.

Despite the fact that I wanted a clean break, he has chosen, once again, to do things the way he wants with total disregard for my wishes, my feelings and my needs. I cried my heart out all morning for him... because?? Because of a deep sense of failure and frustration; not my failure but his. All the years of hoping, loving, showing him there's a better way to achieve what he wants, for naught. For thirty plus years, I've loved the man, wanted the best for him and tried to prove it to him albeit not without mistakes.

Just like the first time we separated, it was driven home to me that he doesn't have the capacity for love, understanding of others, or compassion. Whatever capacity he had when I married him, it's diminishing daily. The only emotion he understands is anger.

It's a time for mourning. Yesterday, my heart broke yet again. Today, I feel some anger and what some have called "self-righteousness." But Total Independence keeps titillating my thoughts; thoughts that have begun to quiver, the first movements of rebirth.

My wings have also begun to quiver, testing past, known motions. The muscles may be atrophied, but the memory of flying is still there. I may have flown close to the ground, like a chicken, but someone once called me a small eagle. Eagles soon learn to soar. I might be on the old side, but fly I will, within my own capabilities. With age comes Wisdom and Wisdom brings knowing your own limits. It is my belief that the limits that our Creator has given each of us is more than enough to achieve what we were put here on Earth to achieve. Once tested, those limits have the possibility of expanding. There's a saying "If it's going to be, it's up to me!" In retrospect, that's the way it's always been in my personal life.

So... it's time to put aside a long, painful learning experience. It's time to wrap up the beautiful memories, put them in a heart-shaped box and put What Might Have Been in the Unrealized Dream Box to be stored beside the Memories box. It's time to move on with life, to shed the present shackles and time to look towards the future and the possibilities and challenges it holds.

No doubt, the mourning process will run it's course. Tears flow abundantly again, anger and frustration will rear their head and in the end, I will be glad that I had the experiences of having loved unconditionally, of having given birth to a son who holds the "my baby" place in my heart, of having raised a son that I didn't give birth to, who in my hour of need relieved so much pain and guilt with just a few simple words that came with difficulty... and to see the great differences in both; products of the same man and the same environment.

You are indeed, a very strong woman. I admire you, as I am so sorry for all you have been through.

You are an inspiration to me!

Tomi, find the lyrics of Bette Middlers song about "you are my hero", I can't remember the title but this is how I see you, strength . fly baby fly.
Love ya

Angie, you've got me bawling BIG TIME!!!

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

Sometimes I get so DAMN TIRED of being strong!

{{{{{{{{{{Sabrina}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If there's ever anything I can do for you, know that I am here!

Oh, baby, I hear you on that one. People are constantly telling me how STRONG I am, right at the point that *I* feel like I've completely fallen apart. I hate it! Nobody ever lets me be WEAK!

Box up all the crap he left and have somebody take it to Goodwill for you. If he didn't care enough to pack it, he obviously doesn't need it!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

love, Candy

((((((((((( Sept ))))))))))))))
I do not know about this stuff, but wish you well, and I feel you are a strong lady, and can do this.

Love,
Roe

The way I see it, God started working on me practically from the day I was born. There's not much you can do when that happens... except ONE thing. You MAY allow yourself to be weak and fall apart completely until you catch your second breath or someone comes along and gives you a loving nudge and says "Ok, that's enough. Time to get up and keep fighting."

You gather your wits about you, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, wobble a little or a lot and keep on keeping on. If you don't, you die! I'm not ready to go yet! Too much life to live and too much to do yet... even if sometimes you can't see it for all the rain.

Thank God for making me stubborn, rebellious and strong!

{{{{{{{{{Roe}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks, Hun!

Hey lambykins, thank God he made ya bullheaded too, I like what Candybear said, box up his stuff and have it at the door waiting or call his sister to come get it, tell her they have so many days to pick it up or it goes out with the rest of the trash on trash day

LMAO His sister is every bit the ***** I am and a priss to boot! Heaven forbid she'd get her hands dirty!! LOL

Nah... what I'm going to do is get his male acquaintances here in the neighborhood to come "pick a part." LMAO I'll just say "Hey, Jerry moved out and left all this stuff. Want any of it? Because if you don't, Salvation Army is coming next Thrusday!" That way I won't have to deal with ugly people or put out any physical strength that I don't have. I got it all figured out, Girlfriend!

LOL That's funny that even the cat is more relaxed. I had to have my cats housed with the kids' dad for a year when my landlord absolutely REFUSED to let me have them. My female went down to 4 pounds and was an absolute nervous wreck while she stayed there. Now she's too fat.

He also met a mutual online friend of ours several years ago. Her dog, who never bites anyone, bit him. hahahahahahaha

Animals sure know who is trustworthy and who isn't! I'm sure my poor cat felt just like I did when I got yelled at and doors were slammed, etc. He's been following me around like a puppy. So cute!

I just tonight sent you an email, (((Tomi)))...

XOXO,

Jillers

temporary high-jack
Hi Peanut so glad to see ya, have missed ya.
ok back on topic
{{{{{{{{{{ Tomi }}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've read it, Sweet Jill! Thank you!

(((((((((Sept))))))))))

I'm sorry for everything happening in your world right now. Even though an ending like this is best, agreed-on, etc. It's still an ending that usually hard because it's the end of hopes, dreams and wishes.

If I know you, you will find out a way to see this all for the best, pull up those boot straps and SHINE. I've watched you do that for a year and a half now. You always find a way to shine.

Just know that so many here at PC are behind you with "glow dust" when your shine momentarily dimming.

kd