I need your support.

{{{{{{{{KD}}}}}}}}} I SHINE?? Ooops! My face powder must have let me down! LOL

You know KD, I think the most painful part is to know that almost anyone else will see that "shine" except my family. Whenever I find myself feeling "dull," all of you here will throw some of that "shine dust" on me.

That's why I find myself wondering what the heck it is about me that my family sees that ya'll don't. Whatever that is, is what keeps them at arms length (or further) from me. But then again, it could very well be THEM and not ME, eh? No, I have no pretense that I'm perfect or even right the majority of the time. I don't know!

I used to have a siggy here that I still keep on my emails and my middle son reminded me of it the other day. "This above all; to thine own self be true." That's what I have to do.

(Am I shinin'? Am I shinin'? I feel like I am! )

yes my dear you are shining brightly!!

{{{{{{{{{{{Elaine}}}}}}}}}}}}

You're such a sweetheart! Thank you so much!

Sept,

Yep, you shine.

Um, your saying what you did about your family made me think of something that I've discussed with t SEVERAL times.

I get so angry at my family because they don't HEAR me...they just don't listen when I say, "I can't take much more, please leave me alone, I need help, etc." and t said that with my family it's because I say those words out of my mouth but keep going on, strong...and actions do speak louder than words. Basically, he said I was sending mixed messages (something I did NOT want to hear...lol).

Maybe it could be similar with you? Maybe you could be saying, "People, please!" but showing that you're still just as strong, etc.?

I know that I had to make my bodily actions equal my words, and when one is pretty much disconnected (as I was), that's a hard task! I've ALWAYS just had to buck up and go on! If I didn't do it, no one else would. Well, I've been able to do that some, but not much, and guess what? I'm being heard just a bit more...not alot, though.

Is your body and actions showing the same as your words like me? Maybe, like me, that's what your family sees that we don't?

Something to think about...

KD

PS...Trust me, I know there are those too that wouldn't care what we even said or did. I'm sorry if you have those in your world too...but in trying to be consistent, I've found those willing to hear me and those who don't care and been able to separate the two somewhat.

Ok Sept, I've read some of the posts and it all sounds oh so familiar... You sound so strong, and I hope that you are feeling that way too. It'll be 4 weeks on Thursday (I think) since hubby left- it goes so quickly- but I am still struggling with the empty feeling at nite when he is not here. I have the 2 girls in bed, but it's not the same. It's not another adult there. He took the cat, I have the dog but he's an outside only dog so no cuddles with him unless I go out to him, and we are coming into winter here so not such a great option. Well... in saying that I only smoke outside so I do get a fair bit of doggy cuddles! But that is all beside the point. I am enjoying getting the house as I want it. I have done this before- when my 1st was nearly 2 years old- and I was mentally stronger then but I still struggled. I know this time, especially if the past few weeks are anything to go by, is going to be a horrendous struggle but I will keep trying. If not, i risk losing my kids to the state... Keep strong, and make your home YOUR home; that really helps lol!

Ok... let's see if we can clear things up just a bit more. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "what I did about my family". Is this in regards to them keeping me at arm's length? To simplify, it was their move, not mine. What I'm trying to figure out is WHAT made them move back? I can give you reasons/excuses but they may not be right.

My oldest son is NOT emotionally available. He's there to give me advise on business matters, even between family members.

My daughter has Bordeline Personality Disorder. She was already angry with me before I turned her into CPS for beating her oldest son and neglecting the baby's health. Before I turned her in, I had already pleaded with her to talk to me. It the same breath, I told her that I was undoubtely going to do or say something stupid and she would never talk to me again. It was a self-fulfiling prophecy or she took her cue from it. IDK.

My youngest, I can excuse him by saying he's in the grips of a controlling, manipulative woman who is deathly threatened by me, was from the very beginning. Not to mention that Jerry has taken advantage of the rift between us to worm his way into "first place." Jerry will kiss ***** when it suits him. I won't!

With Jerry, I talked with him, wrote letters to him, went with him to see a T and most of all, compromised to the point that I was losing myself. He told me that I frustrated him so much that he was thinking of living out of state for an indefinite amount of time, but would keep all his things here and use this place as his home base. That's when I told him that he was free to go but that I couldn't handle not knowing when he would be here for me and when he wouldn't. It was either stay or go. He threw it back in my face why he wanted to leave for a while. I told him to go, but he wasn't coming back.

So! Do you think that I've been saying one thing and doing another? Honestly. Do you see me doing that?

My T told me a long time ago that those around you will resent you when you change the ground rules on them like establishing boundaries. GUILTY! I didn't have boundaries when the kids were growing up but I learned about them while in therapy.

Isn't that what you are doing when you tell your family, "Please! I can't take it anymore!" You shouldn't have to cave in or fall apart when you set those boundaries. You're doing it to keep from falling apart, right?

Think about what I've just written. You know me and the way I interact on the board. Yes, I can get pushy, I argue with people, I even stop talking to people and visa versa, but eventually we all deal with it or talk it out and everything is back to normal. At least, that's MY perspecitve. Correct me if I'm wrong... please!

It sounds like you've already been where I'm at right now then. Yes, you've made the changes for YOU, and those around you have not wanted to accept them. I'm sorry for that. That's a fear of mine as well.

Oh, t told me the same thing...when I started enforcing, they would start pushing that much harder in a tug of war, or all out battle to get the "old kim" back, and that some simply would not accept the new kim.

So, forget my previous post, as you've been there/done that.

Just know that we're here to support you wherever this life leads you.

KD

Well, shoot, KD!! I thought I was gonna finally discover some deep dark secret about me that would explain why my family is afraid of me or just plain doesn't want to be around me! HUMPH!

LOL He came by and will be back later. I maintained my emotional boundaries with myself! YAY for me!!

What's funny is that he's, yet again, telling me that he's going to finish the work that he started, that he's not going to argue because after all, I'm the one that has to live with it, so on and so on. How many times have I heard that in the last 30 yrs? LOL We haven't finished talking about what's to be done but when it's all said, MY stipulation will be that if he hassles me or takes too long, I'll hire someone else to finish the work and HE will pay for it!

I don't hurt one little bit! Angie! I'm a flyin'! KD, I'm a shinin'! hehehe

I'm soaring with ya girl