[littlebitlost]

Anyone read this? Some of the ideas sound quite logical and reasonable, and worth a go. Even to my militant independant feminist self.

Anything's worth a go right?

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting different results. I'm trying something different!

[LightningMan]

I read it. I will say that the constant challenging of myself and my efficacy was a large factor in why my ex-wife is an ex. I think our marriage would have been different had she read the book and tried to follow it.

[lynn P.]

I haven't read it but looked it up online and reading the 1st chapter. Although the title seems a little off putting I think the principles are good so far. Most experts in relationships will attest - start with changing yourself and being a better partner...opposed to forcing change on your partner.

When people 1st meet they have respect for one another but as time goes on - bad feelings and vibes set in. The last thing a man wants is for his partner to sound more like his mother, with a disapproving tone and look.

I haven't read or looked it up. But Lynn, I get the father looks from my boyfriend and sometimes feel like he's trying to parent me or talk to me like I'm a child. So I don't know but I think that goes both ways regardless of sex.

The title is off-putting for me as well, but maybe I should look it up at least.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Anika

I haven't read or looked it up. But Lynn, I get the father looks from my boyfriend and sometimes feel like he's trying to parent me or talk to me like I'm a child. So I don't know but I think that goes both ways regardless of sex.

The title is off-putting for me as well, but maybe I should look it up at least.

Yes absolutely Anika - it goes both ways and I probably should have mentioned that. I know that disapproving father look too.

Haha well I know you know that, wasn't picking on you in any way. I hate that look, maybe because I had a terrible relationship with my father.

I don't understand the part about giving the man all the financial control, or the parts about playing helpless, so he feels strong. I'm honestly not going to read it because don't have a lot of time, and I'm not controlling. But to the op and who ever has read it, can you give me your opinion about those two ideas. No debate, just curious.

The parts about control, well yes, no one needs to be controlling anyone and I can agree with that being good points. The title made me want to find out more.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Anika

Haha well I know you know that, wasn't picking on you in any way. I hate that look, maybe because I had a terrible relationship with my father.

Unfortunately my father passed when I was 2, but I can still tell when my partner is acting more like a parent lol. Its the "I'm superior one" that's irritating. Yes I know you're not picking on me.

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by Anika

I don't understand the part about giving the man all the financial control, or the parts about playing helpless, so he feels strong.

About the former, I thought that a mistake. In my case, I was the better financier, but I know of a few guys who would lead the families to financial ruin if they ran the finances without help.

I think the idea of letting him run the checkbook is that whomever holds the purse strings has just a little bit more power and in her thinking that should be the man.

As to the latter, I don't like the idea of faking helplessness to bolster a man's ego, but I can tell you that a man would like his woman to believe he is effective, and if she's out there all the time trying to prove how effective she is, he misses that chance.

[jaypop30]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I haven't read it but looked it up online and reading the 1st chapter. Although the title seems a little off putting I think the principles are good so far. Most experts in relationships will attest - start with changing yourself and being a better partner...opposed to forcing change on your partner.

When people 1st meet they have respect for one another but as time goes on - bad feelings and vibes set in. The last thing a man wants is for his partner to sound more like his mother, with a disapproving tone and look.

Amen to that one on the disrespect thought. My wife no longer respects me nor cares anymore hence why she wants the divorce.

[faerie_moon_x]

I didn't read it but I took the 'quiz' on her web site... I scored 75 points, the "perfect marriage" catagory.

So, because I carry the whole financial burden of the family, often have to take care of everything myself, am exhausted and run down and feel utterly alone most of the time... we have the perfect marriage because he's not? I don't get it.

[eskielover]

It works if the husband is a responsible person......I knew from before I got married to my husband that he wasn't someone I could ever trust with my life or my finances & he ended up proving me right after I had finally unmessed up the mess he initially got us into because I thought if I made him HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE, he would become the responsible person my mother said he would become when I didn't want to marry him in the first place. When I ended up in major depression after loosing my career (no where to hide from him anymore), he couldn't handle the medical bills or any thing else let alone take a stand on the spending. He was the nightmare I thought he was before I stupidly married him in the first place.

Yes, nice guys can be total jerks & not someone you really would want to marry no matter how nice they are.....there's more to marriage than NICE.....it's a partnership or it's NOTHING

[littlebitlost]

Thanks guys. Many interesting viewpoints here! Love to discuss more.

I've finished the book, and for anyone with marital drama, would recommend it. What I've done in the past, previous relationships and my marriage, hasn't worked. Obviously. So trying something different seems like a good, logical option.

I'm already living with, and am married to, and love my husband. So I'd rather work on and "fix" this relationship rather than toss it in and try again.

I've been starting to practice some of the principles of the book, and it does SEEM TO WORK.

Instead of telling DH what to do, I simply tell him what I want or don't want. I let him worry about things that I am not good at, or can't do. Like fixing the outside light. We have a few front steps, and the light was broken, and I said "I really would like it if we fixed the light there, because I'm scared of falling down the steps on my crutches."

I told him what I wanted, and opened up that it was based on legitimate FEAR, and he promptly got the ladder as I was getting into the car (we were doing the shopping) and checked what kind of bulb it needed, bought the right one, and fixed it when we got back. Pretty good hey? If I had whinged at him for not thinking about the light, and attacked him for not doing a Husband Job, I doubt he would've given a damn, and prolly ignored the light for weeks/months just to make a point of doing stuff in his own time.

Is anyone else interested in starting a Surrendered Circle? Even if you want to practice just SOME of the principles and ideas in the book, or are reading it. I'd love other women to talk to, since I'm trying to give this a proper go.

I've always been a militant feminist and this book was an I'll Try Anything Now act to save my marriage. So a lot of this stuff is having trouble sticking, for me. LOL.