Trust

I have trust issues like many people, and it really effects me and my day to day happiness.

Months ago I went out drinking with my boyfriend. At the bar we met up with two of his female friends which I do not know well but had met a few times. When we returned to his place that night, both drunk, he would not get off his phone even though it was three in the morning. I finally grabbed it from him. He had been texting back and forth with one of his female friends all night, and the texts were very innappropriate and hurtful. Basically she was trying to get him to go see her to hook up, and he was saying he couldn't, but when I was gone on Monday they could. We got in a big fight. I stayed the night (on the couch) since I was too drunk to get anywhere.

The next morning he came up as if nothing happened- he didn't remember the texts or the fight apparently. This I believe since he often forgets things when he drinks too much. I went to leave him that morning, I was so incredibly hurt.

He convinced me to stay. He was remorseful and extremely apologetic. He said it was just the alcohol, he promised he wouldn't speak to her anymore.

I talked to many of his friends about it that have known him for years. They all assured me that he would never do something like that knowingly, and that he really was the great guy I had always thought. I stayed and we've been happy. But now I have problems trusting him. I want our relationship to work and I want to trust him. But anytime I don't know where he is or who he's with, or even if I do, I get worried about what he's doing. Especially if he's drinking. I get worried when hes texting and I don't know who hes talking to. Sometimes I ask who hes talking to and he'll tell me or even show me, so its not like hes trying to hide it, but I cant ask all the time and I don't want to.

Last night he was supposed to come over but he ended up not being able to make it. He doesn't have a license right now, and the person he was going to get to drive him wasn't feeling good. I know this person and I know she wasn't feeling good. But even still I was upset and worried about what he was doing, and super stressed. Its not like I'm clingly and need to see him every night, but sometimes I just get so worried. I've talked to him about this and hes listened and understood and said hes sorry that he screwed up and made me this way.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and learnt to trust the person again? If you read my eariler post, I mentioned insecurity issues in my relationship...I guess they stem from this.

Sorry for the novel...

Here is my take on it (only my opinion). I was in a serious relationship for 1 and a half years with a girl. At first things were great and then....it started. I discovered she was up late at night talking to guys, going out with guys claiming they were just friends (we lived separate). I didn't suspect anything as I am very trusting but sadly I learned the hard way. Long story short, she cheated on me and I got my heart broken. You have every right to be suspicious due to his behaviour but try not to dwell on it as that can drive you crazy. There is not much you can do if one wants to stray all you can do is hope they don't do it and be faithful.

I'm sorry but I would not trust him or this situation. There are so many red flags showing it's crazy...For one, I do not care how piss poor drunk you are, we got a real problem if you are texting females. About making plans to hook up no less. Had that been me, I woulda got on the phone with the friend and told her how foul and disrespectful she is. I would have immediately left him that night, no sleeping on the couche. I'm drunk, call me a cab, get me out of here before I hurt him. For two, you are asking his friends for advice or telling them about your relationship. Of course they are going to say he wouldn't cheat. You have to make the best decision that is best for you. If that decision includes staying with him, you will drive yourself insane with constant worrying. You are opening the door for him to cheat. What happens when he is "drunk" and he accidentally falls in his "friends" p****? Real talk. Are you waiting for him to cheat before you leave? I'm being serious, not trying to be an *****. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. I cannot stress this next point enough. I don't care what a man tells you, listen to his actions. Him having multiple female friends...He was being really really disrespectful for texting another woman while he is with you. Again, if you want him, be with him. Make the best decision for you. Whew...This whole situation...Listen to the signs. This is how women get hurt time and time again. You see the writing on the wall, you ignore it, stay anyway, then one day, BAM, he cheats, now you are upset and hurt when you should have listened to your intuition from the very beginning.

There are 2 things I don't understand at all with this situation. 1. He was too drunk to realize his texting was wrong, couldn't remember it the next day, BUT knew enough to tell the 'friend' you wouldn't be around Monday? Puleeeze. 2. IF, IF alcohol is solely to blame for his behaviour, and he never meant to hurt you, YTF is he STILL drinking??
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You mistrust him for valid reasons, don't set yourself up for hurt, dissapointment and diseases. There are plenty good men out there, don't settle.

Irreplacable- thank you for your honest opinion. I know your just giving your opinion, it is one I have heard before in regards to this situation, brutal as it is, and of course I understand where your coming from.

As for the girl he was texting, I did call her right away. And I absolutely agree with you it was beyond disrespectful what he did. I did not "forgive and forget."

And I also understand what you are saying in regards to his friends, of course they wouldn't want to go against him. But the two I spoke to I have become close with and I trust them. (They are the girlfriend and wife of two of his male friends). He also spoke with one of them about the situation, and she told him she was surprised I stayed with him, and he'd better smarten the **** up if he actually wants to be with me.

As for your question am I waiting for him to cheat? The answer is yes and no. If he cheated, yes, I'd be gone. But I honestly don't believe he will/would, as stupid as that may sound given the situtation I just described.

Why did I stay? Because deep down I believe he made a mistake- yes a huge one- but is genuinely a good man and we have something real. I know that alcohol should be no excuse, but have you ever been so drunk and did something stupid that you didn't remember and truly regretted the next day? I know I have.

I was very clear with him that if anything even remotely similar happened, or if he did anything to make me not trust him again, that would be it.

I have been cheated on before, it is how my last serious relationship ended. But in my current relationship, I believe its different.

Thank you for your reply, and of course I understand where your coming from. As for why is he still drinking, he did stop drinking completely for about a month (doesn't seem like much-but he used to drink a lot). He does drink now, but in moderation.

As for how your first question, I can't really explain. I was staying with him for the weekend, and he knew I would be working Monday, and he was laid off at the time so wouldn't be.

Since you've made up your mind, I will answer your question. It is possible to rebuild trust, but he has to earn it. Idk how other ppl do it, but that's how I understand it to work. I had a bf who jumped thru hoops for a year before I felt I could trust him again. No, there wasn't drunk texts or other women in the picture, but I should've trusted my instincts and stayed far away from that man. Hope you don't end up wasting your time and pretty like I did.

Thank you. I know many disagree with the decision I made. But I really do appreciate all of your input.

***Whew*** I was hoping I wasn't too bad with my response. After I hit "click" I thought, "Maaaayyyyybbbeee, I shouldn't have said that"...I just try to tell it like I would tell a friend if they were in the same situation Even though I don't know you, I hate to see women go through this kind of stuff and end up getting hurt. No harm intended

P.S. Only YOU know him and know his intentions. If you think that things will be ok, then maybe it will be ok. Just be careful and you should be good

Thank you And no don't worry I knew you were just trying to give your honest opinion, and not to be harsh

Well, I do have a little concern about how he was drunk enough to not remember yet cognitive enough to plan, but to be fair, you know him better than I do, and I've never been remotely close to drunk (not legal for me yet, and honestly, I think most of it taste awful, with very, very few (though amusing) exceptions).

As far as trusting him, it will take time. Keep communication open between the two of you. Be honest. Let him know what he did hurt you, and that you are still concerned, and that it will take time to rebuild what was damaged. But let him know you are trying to rebuild with him. That takes work from the both of you.

Take care, and I hope things work out.