Respect, Tone & Delivery, Cultural Barrier??

Or perhaps just his own hangups from his childhood.

My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, and got married quickly, as he's German and needed the visa. We were definitively in love at the start, I had doubts last year, with the way he behaved during a really tough time for me.

I realised I had a substance abuse problem, and went to medical detox, then got really sick for a fortnight before I went to rehab for 4 months.

While I was horribly sick is bed, with ManFlu and a horribly swollen tonsil, feeling wretched and wanting to do. A reallly awesome start to sobriety. We were at my Auntie's house and instead of looking after me, he helped my Auntie host a party for her Friend. He flirted all day with the Friend, and there was loads of alcohol at the party and Friend was plastered, so my husband offered to drive her home. She came onto him a LOT and they ended up kissing and making out. Meanwhile with me sick in bed feeling awful

I'm not a hardcore monogamist, and don't really even mind if he got himself a friend with benefits while I was away at rehab. But NOT people I know, interact with or am friends with. While I was in rehab, he hooked up with a girl on my facebook, who he met THROUGH ME.

Last xmas, we started dating again, and he automatically assumed everything was back on. Into a monogamous idealistic marriage.

I love him. Always have. Only doubts were when he wasn't very supportive through rehab, which was a damn tough 4 months. One of the hardest things I've ever done.

Now, we're living together most of the time. I had a huge car accident and am in a wheelchair still for now, and need physio/drs/hydrotherapy/all sorts, so spend some time away at my Mother's.

He treats me with such little regard. Like I'm an idiot. He is arrogant, and I can't ever possibly be right. About anything.

He picks fights with me in the SUPERMARKET. About things like powdered milk. I've always used it for cooking, and he's never had a problem with my cooking ever.

And self raising flour. I'm the primary kitchen person in our family, so it's not like I'm being unreasonable.

Anytime I ask him for anything, he's always like "Whatta you want" - said in a defensive/annoyed/uncaring kind of way. Tone and delivery.

Anytime I try to bring up a problem I have with one of his behavioural issues, he basically refuses to acknowledge it, and attempts to turn the entire conversation into MY flaws. I approach him in a neutral, non aggressive way, use "I feel" and "I think" statements and try to make sure I don't attack him, just bring up my problem with his behaviour.

I am well aware I have my faults, and am actively working on them. I just can't take how he treats me. He makes me feel like I'm nothing. Like I'm unworthy of his love, affection or attention.

He grew up in Germany, and his father left when he was very small, and his mother, from all accounts (she died when he was a young adult) was a psycho loony. He has 2 sisters. One older, one younger. The elder, seems quite well adjusted but I dont know her well, and the younger is apparently just like his mother and they don't speak.

He tells me his mother hated him his whole life, because he reminded her of his father. I can't even imagine what that must be like, and have suggested, asked that he gets counselling and works through it.

He's not in touch with his father and father's family. He *could* make contact, but he won't.

I wonder if some of his arrogance is a cultural divide, or to cover up hurt from his childhood.

I don't believe he suffers depression, and his moods are quite steady.

I need more from my marriage than I'm getting at the moment. I need respect, as a basis. I need to feel cared for, adored, attractive, secure, that I am his priority.

I sometimes wonder if we are too different to ever get to where I want to be, but we are married to each other. And we made promises to each other. Big ones. Involving forever. I honestly don't consider divorce an option.

I wonder how much of our problems are because of ME. I sometimes suspect that I am destined to be single, with a few cats.

He is not very attentive to me, doesn't seem to care what makes him happy, and through the HARDEST time of my life after this accident, he has never really seemed to grasp the seriousness of what happened to me. I had a torn aorta and 13 broken bones. I have pins, screws and plates in the hip, knee and wrist, and could need a hip replacement. My bones were so badly broken, that nearly 4 months later, I'm still in a wheelchair, on pretty hardcore pain pills, because it hurts like a ***** most of the time.

Does anyone know how I can gain his respect, caring and tenderness?

Or any insight into his arrogance and dismissal.....

I don't want to end my marriage, but I know it isn't going to survive like this.

PS - thanks so much if you got all the way through my long, rambling post. I really need opinions and advice. Please help!

I read it... all of it. It sounds like you've had a really hard couple of years... I sympathize with you on that.
After reading through your post again... I see a lot of his bad points but I'm not seeing any mention of his good side. Does he have one? I'm not seeing what you get out of this relationship. Honestly, I don't see how you can gain his respect, caring and tenderness if he hasn't shown any by this point.
Any real insights into his arrogance, dismissal etc would be impossible without knowing you both better. The impression I'm getting about his character just from what you've written would be pointless to post. It would very likely make you angry and defensive and my post would be edited for profanity.

Wow ~ Bless your heart -- I'm so SORRY you're were injured so badly. After a torn aorta, you're VERY lucky to be alive!! To be honest, I'm surprised they were able to save you, but thank God they DID!

I have to agree with George -- from what you've said, I can't find anything positive about your husband. He's a jerk. (sorry) I know you don't consider divorce an option but I wish I could convince you otherwise, because you DESERVE better than this. Do you REALLY want to go thru life with an uncaring jerk like THIS?? At the very LEAST he should be taking care of you right now -- I wonder if you asked him if it was HIM in that wheelchair, and you ignored HIM like he's doing to you, what would he do? Would he leave you? Would he throw a hissy fit? Would he be hurt? Something tells me he would do all of the above.

And what's this "getting it on" with the Friend? You may have an open marriage, but stuff like that can bring sexually transmitted diseases into the marriage -- I would NEVER allow that kind of activity to go on in my marriage! I'd throw the bum out if he ever did that to me! Who knows what he might bring home -- it doesn't matter if it was a "friend" or not! You don't know where SHE'S been!

I think i'd tell him if he doesn't go into marriage counseling, it's over. That's just MY opinion. I would NOT want to live like that the rest of my days. That's just not living. That's a nightmare. You deserve SO much better than this. If he doesn't want to go, then you'll know he's not willing to put any effort into the marriage --- that it's not worth saving to him.

Best of luck to you -- and I hope and pray your healing is rapid and complete! God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee