burned bridges

I dont think that i learned as many lessons in one day as i did tonight

First I wake up to rush around and drop some study notes off to someone at humber, and because i was rushing my passenger because i was going to be late, the person i delivered the notes to told me I had issues because i was mad he wouldnt get off his *** and come outside to get the notes-uh hello? im the one who drove to etobicoke from brampton, because he didnt have any notes. doing him the favour, and going out of my way....how ungrateful!

second, i have court this morning, beat the stupid cops *** and got my speeding ticket of 69 km in a 40 km school zone dropped. I could see my day brightening at this point.

I declined a job offer that was presented to me yesterday, because I didnt like how the guy dealt with his business and the requests he was making of me after he had hired me were ridiculous-so i declined

went home, made dinner, spaghetti and garlic bread....relaxed with my family, then headed up to bed.

this is where it gets exciting....

so we are laying in bed, talking about the day, and my dogs go nuts.....barking and jumping. I think i hear knocking. so i get out of bed turn on the lights and go downstairs. there is some ranting and raving lunatic woman outside my door banging and screaming....my bf's mother.

i open the door, as he is coming down the stairs....and this is what i hear "come on, lets go, get your *** in the van, you spend every night here, you have classes in the morning, this is disgusting, hurry up....louder screaming at my bf......" the woman never stepped foot in my house. and the screen door never opened, but u could hear her plan as day.

does he leave?

of course he leaves.....

i can hear the people upstairs walking around now, obviously she has woken them up. great, 1st week in a new place, and there is already %#@&#! happening. did i forget to mention this is about 20 to 12 at night?

so he discusses with me how embarassed he is an so on. i understand, i could only imagine if my mother showed up to drag my *** home at the age of 23....

he calls me an hour later, to fill me in on the great ride home. he tells me his mother discusses the fact that she doesnt want to see his schooling go to waste etc, i understand. general parental concerns. she asks him, 'why are your eyes bloodshot?' obviously implying we did drugs, for those of you who know me well, know i dont smoke or do any drugs, and the odd occasional drink.

then she says 'why doesnt she live with her parents?' 'how can anyone woman walk away from her child and she doesnt even know where she is-what does she do? walk the streets?'....

holding my words back from lashing out at the wrong person, i continue to listen

'what does her dad do? sit around and drink all day? does he even work?'....

please keep in mind i have only met this woman a handful of times, ive never been in a conversation with this woman, and he has always kept my past a well hidden secret from his parents, for this very reason. my childhood was poor. how she found out all this information is beyond us, leaving us both stumped.

so he tells me, he told her my landlord came down, and was upset by being woken up by her screaming. her reply 'good'

at this point im about to loose my cool, so i say goodnight to him, and jump online to relieve some stress.

after venting to someone they ask me something.....'what are u going to do about it?'
and at first i had it all planned out, i was going to write her an email. expressing my feelings in a mature way, and maybe giving her a little bit of the real facts about my childhood growing up.

then i thought about it. what is that going to do? how is that going to resolve anything? it would make her impression on me worse. i dont want to impress her, i want to slap her. who is she to judge someone who not only she doesnt know? but someone that makes her son happy? he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I am fuming and dont know what to do with this. but literally i dont know her. she doesnt know me, and my bf and i dont discuss my past childhood with his parents, and he avoids bringing up me all together to avoid his nosey parents.

what would you do if you were in my shoes???????

I would be absolutely fuming too. I also don't know if i would've had quite so much self control as you- I can see myself confronting her, either very calmly and just telling her give up the BS and that I really don't care about her opinion as it doesn't count for anything (which can be ever so irritating to the other person!), or yelling back at her no-holds-barred with anything that comes into my mouth! (I am usually a very quiet, sweet-mouthed thing unless I am 'triggered' lol). That's kinda the way I dealt with Sunday, when I picked my daughter up from her respite carer. Betty came out to the car and said to me that I gotta look after myself; that I am obviously not coping as a newly-single mum, and that her supervisor was going to make an allegation about me to our state-care social worker. I sat in the car very calmly, just saying to her that I didn't care, they could do what they wanted, and again that I didn't care a jot about what they thought! Things are fine between us again now (turns out also that no allegations were made this time) and the social worker is kinda on my side with everything- she wants to see my new situation work. But anyway, I've raved enuf about myself and my BS (please excuse the not so nice word-refs!), and I hope that you and your BF can have a good relationship together. Good luck!!

Wow, what patience, I admire you, I'd probably start shaking and then lose it. I'm 49, have a little more patience than many years back or have learned the art of tuning out certain stuff, helping me avoid confrontation.
But I am no pushover,when mother-in-law tries to be bossy, cause she is controlling, her husband use to let her get her way,jokingly would refer to her as "the boss", guess what, she isn't mine, no one is.
I don't know what to tell you to do with this stuff, but it is cool you didn't lower yourself to her level, and kept cool. She may have been hoping she could of provoked you enough, that you'd come out with something to help her validate her fabricated fantasies about you.
I think you also need to talk with your bf and make him understand you deserve respect too, maybe you can have a talk with him and then have a talk with her and maybe include him too.
On the other hand if she is one to think her way or no way, it may be a waste of time, once someone is certain they are always right there is now inning with them.
When things settle, try the conversation approach if the opportunity is there, even rehearse what you need to say,to see how it comes across.
Lots of luck with this, and again I admire you for not losing it/

DE

Well thank you for your opinions, I appreciate the input. Im still left shocked that an educated woman like her would actually stoop so low. Today she tells him that this issue has nothing to do with me, but she feels he wouldnt be acting the way he is if it wasnt for me...doesnt that make the issue having to do with me???

Urgh! My feelings are so hurt over this issue, and i dont know what to do

I, too admire you for keeping your cool. You are obviously more mature than b/f's mom is. The issue is really between b/f and mom, though, in spite of the insults leveled at you. He needs to stand up to her and defend you now. Otherwise this incident will just set a precident for many many more scenes in the future. He really needs to assert himself as an adult with a separate identity and life of his own. Good luck to the two of you!

Oh wow. If I were your bf I'd be telling that woman that he is an adult and will do as he wishes and end it at that...put the foot down. Oh man.

I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know we are all here for you and that you are a very strong woman to not have totally flipped on the woman, as I probably would've done!

You should be very proud of yourself.

So tonight me and BF sat down and had a discussion about the issue...

I had came to the conclusion that I was not calling his mother, i was not apologizing, or begging for forgiveness for something that i had nothing to do with, and i was not going to give her the satisfaction that she had done what she probably wanted to accomplish-hurt my feelings.

i simply told BF that i wasnt going to make him choose, however i was going to ask him to mature about the situation and decide what his plan of action was; either he was going to group up, set bounderies for himself and speak up to his mom, move out, or obey his parents rule and not spend the night here again

i cant afford to loose my place or have bad blood with the neighbours if a situation comes about like that again.

this is MY home and I deserve every bit of respect here. if the shoe was on the other foot she would have called the cops. that is NEVER going to happen at MY house again, i assure you.

once again, thank you for all who read, and commented. and thank you for the kudos on keeping my mouth shut. i normally have a big mouth and could never let someone disrespect me in such a tone, but i let it go because i love him so much. that should show how much i am willing to do for him, LOL

thanks guys again!!