[GraceD]

I am still facing them as an adult. I discussed some of my childhood fears in counseling. Specifically, when I did my inventory.

With regarding to intimate relations. I have always been terrified of marriage. I now realize that I am afraid I will fail. My parents did not show me how to love another person. My parents, in my opinion made such a mess of things in that regard. Neither one of them understood how to handle unfinished business. I was not raised by my dad. I spent time with him in infancy and toddlerhood. But, eventually he moved away and I never saw him again until I was 29 years old. After a year or so it was clear that we would not get along, so I stopped trying. I was the one who initiated everything anyway.

I am not attracted to men who take the initiate either, hmmmmm, I wonder why? Ironically, I would like to be with someone who is really there. I have a friend, my mom is crazy about him, I have lots of doubts. I suspect he has very little to give. And frankly, I have lost quite a bit of interest....

[Willow]

Hi GraceD... it would be interesting to understand what is causing you to lose interest in the guy. I am also afraid of intimacy... but crave it badly too. It's a push/pull thing for me. Maybe your interest shutting down is telling you something and you need to explore it more.

[conklinca]

My belief regarding your fear of failure in marriage: everyone fails. You'll at times be selfish, you'll sometimes wonder if you're in love at all, you'll find your mate unattractive at times, and occasionally you'll wonder if it had been a good idea to get married. Luckily, marriage transcends momentary feelings and mistakes. All it takes to succeed is two people who respect their vows before God to work through it all. Marriage is a commitment above all else.

If you're having lots of doubts, though, I suggest you work with your counselor to determine whether that's because he does not have what it takes to be a suitable partner or whether it is your fear of intimacy hindering progression of the relationship

[GraceD]

I have tried to reach out to my "friend." He has been to my mom's house for supper. I have invited him to my place with the family, and by himself, but he has not made himself available to come. He asked me questions that indicated interest, and he still complements me, but he clearly has other female friends he is checking out. It's like we ladies are supposed to let him check us out while he makes up his mind. He made a comment some time ago that he does not know who to marry. I do not want to be part of a group of women that he choses from. I think that that is demeaning.

Also, it seems like he is uncertain about how to approach me. We actually talked about this (how I liked to be approached) because he asked.

My gut feeling is that he does not know what he wants. I do not wish to hold my breath, meanwhile. He admits that he is not really good at courtship and dating, but, he seems more comfortable around other ladies than me. If I had done more dating when I was younger, maybe I would understand this, but, right now "I don't get it."

I do not like guessing and wondering...

Grace

[conklinca]

From your response, I think you are wise in choosing not to "hold your breath." If this guy doesn't want any part of your life outside of him--your family--and is just keeping you as one of many options in case nothing better comes along, then I believe you have good reason to fear commiting to him!