No intimacy for LMo

I've had a number of problems since the beginning of my pregnancy that has made it dangerous or at least inconvenient to have sex. My husband has been more than understanding about it, and actually TOO understanding, even though I've certainly willing to do "other things" to keep the intimacy alive. In the past 8 months, I think we've had sex twice and have done other things maybe twice (maybe even less ) However, I've been increasingly frustrated with his reluctance, and after a night of very vivid sex dreams (about other people), I woke up crying this morning, and flat-out asked him why he keeps shooting me down. He first hemmed and hawed and said that I have seemed so fragile since getting pregnant, and that he's worried about school and other aspects of his life (he has severe anxiety issues, so that part wasn't surprising), I go to bed so early now, blah blah blah. But what I pointed out is that if he really WANTED me, he'd find some way to make the time and we'd work together to accommodate whatever is my medical issue du jour.

He cuddled with me and kissed me and stroked my hair to get me to stop crying, but he had an appointment at 10 and had to leave the house. Before he left, he apologized and said that he guesses he just wasn't ready for how much pregnancy would change me. I guess that means my body Probably doesn't help that my breasts are leaking already.

Mind you, he LOVES the fact that I'm pregnant and he plays with and kisses my belly all the time. He is extremely affectionate and nurturing, and I have no doubt that he loves me tremendously. I believe he is still attracted to me, as he initiates a lot of hugging and kissing. But still, I don't know if he thinks of me as a sexual partner anymore or if we have settled into a permanent mode of platonic. We used to have such an AMAZING sex life - it's almost impossible to believe that it has faded away to almost nothing.

I love him more than anything and will stick with him and be faithful no matter what, as long as he wants that. But, I have to tell you that I'm extremely sexually frustrated and I am starting to understand why people cheat in their marriages. I would never do that, but that might even be influenced by the fact that a) I don't know anybody I'm currently attracted to, and b) who the hell would want to flirt with an 8.5 month married pregnant chick? I'm wondering if that makes it easier for me to say "I'll always be faithful".

I'm saddened by the fact that this may be the last time in my life when I like my body. I'm 38 and after I have this baby, it's going to be harder to keep weight off; I'm sure that my breasts will never look the same, and probably the same for my stomach and most likely my hoo-hoo. I have NO PROBLEM giving up these aspects of physical beauty for the sake of my baby, but I'm sad that my body and sexuality are going unappreciated when time with it is so short.

Is there anything I should do differently? I don't think I'm coming on too strong or am being demanding - my attempts always start with breakfast in bed (which he loves), a massage (which he loves), or very close snuggling. I used to say more suggestive things but it hurt THAT much more to get shot down, so I modified my approach to be less direct, but that hasn't helped at all.

LMo, I'm sorry your relationship is going through this phase. But it sounds to me like that's what it is, a phase. As the father of three, I can say that I've had wildly different reactions to pregnancy each time. And I wont lie to you, I had periods where the pregnancy put me off from sex but much more common was a sort of fear or uncertainty about what my wife was going through. There's also weird nonsensical images that pop into a guys head in which the penis hits the baby or something like that. Totally impossible but the point is, pregnancy is a real head trip for a guy. For a period of time, this beautiful woman we had seen as our sexual partner, was now something different. A mother to be. Sexual organs were being repurposed to deliver a child into the world. And like it or not, for a time it's necessary to reframe our view of this woman and her body.

It does surprise me that he's not responding to your advances (funny how that always shuts down my own worries) but everyone is different.

About a year after the baby is born things usually return to normal (it takes that long because everyone's exhausted from late night feedings and what not) so I would encourage patience and continued communication with your husband.

Also, if "other things" involves your hand, you might try lubrication (KY, Astroglide, etc.) as it can hurt otherwise.

Cyran0

Oh Lmo...

Big hugs.

What you are experiencing is SO common.

Sex dreams about other people - thats the pregnancy hormones too I think. Almost everyone I know who has been pregnant had them.

And hey, you are almost there! That means you can start thinking about getting your body back - and you will get your body back - I'm losing weight already Especially if you decide to breastfeed. Thatll help you to get rid of excess weight fast.

Your "hoohoo" won't be permanently ruined either, I promise. I had a few stitches and honestly you cannot even tell now unless you know what you are looking for.

Too, men often get sort of scared off by a pregnant women. Sometimes the idea of the fact that there is sort of a child present can throw them off. Add that to existing issues with anxiety, and preg problems then you could see why the lack of intimacy.

I dont have much else to add, but too I wanted to say that the last couple weeks of pregnancy I was SO EMOTIONAL. I was ALL over the place.

You are in transition right now, everything is stressful I am sure. Try to relax and you will make it through this. I promise.

Thanks, both of you.... this is reassuring. Cyrano - great to hear about it from a man's point of view (but maybe having to wait a YEAR!?!?!?!?! ye gods!!!!! ), especially about the repurposing and fear about the baby being involved. Rainbowzz - thanks for understanding. I've definitely felt more hormonal lately. During my first two trimesters, my hormones felt completely stable - if anything, I was just cheerful ALL of the time instead of MOST of the time, despite all of the crap that was happening with my dad's cancer and death. But now I'm finding myself to be much more emotional - I cried twice during our first childbirth class, moved by the videos of women giving birth, and I'm having a lot of nostalgia and longing for... I don't know. Something. I'm doing a lot of meditation, exercise, healthy eating so I'm not sure what else I can do to keep things level. Well, yes I do - getting laid would sure help. Sigh.

Thanks again, both of you

hon you said you had had problems during the pregnancy. men tend to shy away from sex if they think they are going to hurt the woman or the baby. I think it is pretty normal right now. you are getting really close now and things can get back to a somewhat normal thing. ((((hugs))))

Thanks Bebop. That's what he means when he says that I seem "fragile", but hey - I'm not limited to intercourse.

Tonight's a new night - we'll see what happens. He is going through a ton of anxiety right now and in fact just got kicked out of school due to excess absenteeism. They encouraged him to get counseling for the anxiety (as if it's that easy - HA!) and urged him to reapply, which is reassuring, but he's very sad about it and I guess sex isn't top on his list of things to do.

But then again, the school thing just happened. Doesn't account for the past 8 months.

I was scared I was gonna hurt the baby too....plus my wife was so "HORMONAL" it was crazy......Its a difficult time, but once our son was born we both found each other again

well...not the first 3 months after he was born...that was living helll

Thanks Brian. That's reassuring that you found each other again (and I'm happy for you about that, too)

Cripes - I sound so whiny in my posts in this thread. Sorry about that. I suppose bigger problems in the world exist, right?

no........yours and your babys health is priority #1 right now......if you have to vent....go ahead.........I know when my wife was about to pop she could go off on anybody in a heartbeat!

I think you should quit being pregnant :-) and things will return to "normal" in time. Sounds like your husband loves you and is just afraid and stressed himself. You've got all those hormones running rampant, of course you've got the hots going. You'll probably be having a fine old time under the stars come June and think you were silly for worrying :-) Your husband loves you, not your "parts". That doesn't change. I'm 115 pounds overweight and 57 (so saggy as they come) but my husband is still "fond" of me, LOL.

oh hon I am sorry he got kicked out of school. that makes things a little easier to understand some of why he is behaving the way he is too. yes if you can get him at least to a dr about the anxiety maybe that would help too.

i know a girl who decided to embrace losing her "hoo-hoo" haha. her and her husband went to a photographer and had a session of them 2 while she was pregnant. there were some very sexy pictures in there thats kind of a reminder of "just because im prego doesnt mean im not hot anymore!" she looks soooo good in them. think hed be into something like that?

and maybe we should switch. i have NO sex drive at all! Ever since my freshman year of college I have worked 40+ hours a week, sometimes 2 jobs, while going to school full time (somehow I still have a 3.75.. dont ask me how though). so my sex drive is gooooooone. when i stopped birth control it was like a shot of wanting sex all the time but that didnt last more than a month.

and, from experience, ive learned that its not necessarily what your significant other thinks or says about you/to you. i noticed that when guys hit on me during the day at school or at work, i want sex more. (not with them, but with my boyfriend haha). maybe he needs something to boost his own confidence? he might just not feel very good about himself for whatever variety of reasons. i had to practically trick my boyfriend into buying new clothes so he would feel good about himself. trick him! lol

(((((( LMo ))))))

I'm going through the EXACT same thing with my bf and I'm not even pregnant. As I read your post I got tears in my eyes because I'm so there.....starting to understand why people cheat. I'd never do it either, and I'm not pregnant, so rest assured that your instinct is not because you're pregnant, its your love for your husband.

Let me know if you find any tricks to get that intimacy back. I find that I get more intimacy from the cat. (No not in a gross way, just that undying affection).

I understand. Thank you for sharing this because I needed to share my frustration too. Here's to us both having sex again some day.

Is this your first child?

I'd love to tell you that things get better after your baby is born...but with the late-night feedings and sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones and leaky boobs...it takes a while!

Then again, my relationship had its own 'issues' so maybe that was the problem too.

But yeah - a lot of men just get worried that they'll hurt the baby, or hurt you, or whatever. He might think that you can't, and he doesn't want to pressure you into it? If that makes any sense. He's ignoring you out of love...not wanting you to feel like you have to do something if your body isn't capable of doing it. Maybe he just doesn't know what's okay and what's not okay.

That, and, for most women, our sex drive goes crazy when we're pregnant

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Before he left, he apologized and said that he guesses he just wasn't ready for how much pregnancy would change me. I guess that means my body Probably doesn't help that my breasts are leaking already.

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He probably didn't mean physical changes. He may have meant emotional.

Wanna hear something crazy Elmo? When I was pregnant the first time, DH was reluctant to have sex from the day he found out!!! I didn't discover until after our son was born WHY.

He genuinely felt that having sex with me, or doing anything that involved sexual play would be somehow "wrong" or "offensive" to our child, and he took it further. . .thought perhaps it was morally wrong too.

Talk to your DH about this. . .I'm guessing due to some of the issues orgasm can be complicated for you, but there are other aspects of play that might alleviate the pressure on him and you!

Good luck sweetie.

Some guys can have issues about doing that sfuff to "a mommy." It's something to talk about. If you guys still go to therapy, bring it up there.

Sex will help you go into labor when you are ready. Docs will suggest this too.

It's all a state of mind. So women love their big bellies and some do not.

It sounds like you have a wonderful hubby. I imagine he feels anxiety over the labor to come. My hubby was a mess.

You don't need to worry about hubby cheating if you are there for him emotionally. The same goes for you, if he meets you emotional needs you won't cheat. Infidelity isn't about sex ... it's about lonliness.

Are you feeling lonely?

off topic, LMo where are you,haven't heard a peep in a while, are you okay
Angie

Aggh - sorry everyone. You were all so kind to take the time to reply to me and I haven't checked this thread in a while. Sorry about that...

I'm ok. Just kind of running low on energy these days.

I don't think I'm lonely, to answer Jennie's question. My husband is more than nurturing enough and gives me plenty of affection. He just isn't comfortable being sexual with me right now. I've talked to a lot of other pregnant women and it doesn't seem to be uncommon. He assures me that after the baby has hatched and I'm feeling better, that he is looking forward to resuming our sex life. So no, not really lonely - just needin' some nookie from my sweetie. I guess I can wait a little while longer.

Thanks everyone...

LMo...you take care of you! Things go by really quick during these exciting times. You could have him go with you to the next OB appointment and have the doc recommend sex to help induce labor when your ready.

Heh - that's a good idea, Jennie - our next appointment is on Friday. He always goes to the appointments with me. Although if he thinks it'll induce labor, then that might GUARANTEE I won't be gettin' any in the next 4 weeks! ha ha!

Aww, come on. 38 weeks is full term, right???? Plenty of reason for some nookie...to get that baby outta there!! (in a couple more weeks...)

I tried to get my hubby to "oblige" when I was 5 days overdue...but he wouldn't.

It was the spicy food from Chili's that finally did the trick and got her out!!

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LMo said:
Heh - that's a good idea, Jennie - our next appointment is on Friday. He always goes to the appointments with me. Although if he thinks it'll induce labor, then that might GUARANTEE I won't be gettin' any in the next 4 weeks! ha ha!

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Maybe consider changing positions? You kneeling on all fours with strong pillows supporting your upper body for support and hubby behind you. That way there is no pressure on your tummy. Your knees and shoulders support all the weight. And the pillows help make sure you don't lose strength. It doesn't exactly excite the clitoris but can help you feel something, especially if you are already warmed up. This is the only way my hubby and I could have sex when I was pregnant. When I was on my back, there was too much jiggling and the belly was in the way. Discuss this with your hubby. You could even put on a TV show for him to watch to distract him if he needs. He might consider it if he realizes you and the baby will be okay...and that it's good for your mental health well-being.