[Lalatin]

This is really long, and I'm sorry, but I feel the need to vent and explain.

I met this girl when we were in the second grade, I am 22 now. At first we didn't like each other, for reasons I can't remember, but we soon became close friends.

Once we were friends we became attached at the hip, weeks on end spent at each others houses ect. This friendship has lasted us for more than ten years (14 by my count)

We've been through a lot together, first boyfriends/girlfriends, first kisses, friendship issues (outside ours) and most recently the sudden loss of her father to leukemia.

Now her cousin and I think this may be where a lot of the issues are coming from.

See around christmas last year I was getting really aggravated with people who were trying to hog attention. What I mean by this is that each of my friends are really good at certain things, but some of them had been trying to more or less upstage other people by trying to be better at something.

For example, one of my friends is an amazing painter, we'll call her A, everyone knows that; but a different friend (we'll call him D) decided he wanted to start painting.

Nothing wrong with that!

But he started saying things like "Oh I'm the best painter! Isn't my work fantastic? Look at these wonderful paintings" or something along those lines. Of course this is aggravating for A because he stole the attention from her and any time she tried to talk about her new paintings he'd change the subject so it'd be on him.

Well this started happening to me and my best friend's cousin (we'll call her K). We are both writers, everyone comes to us for stories, wonders what new books are hot, what were working on ect.

Well my best friend, Lets call her J, started doing what D did. Any time I mentioned I was writing, say on Twitter, she'd almost immediately start talking about her own writing. At first I thought it was coincidence, then I realized it was happening to K as well, it started seeming more like it was purposeful, even if she didn't realize she was doing it.

Well I got really fed up with her and about five other people doing this and posted something on twitter.

Now please take into account that I need to talk to people to sort out issues I have, therefore a diary doesn't really help me, and twitter is the fastest way to get a reply from people. (some of my friends don't have free texting but they can reply over twitter)

This is what I posted:
"I'm tired of people who aren't writers trying to be ones. YOU CAN NOT BE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING. For once let someone else be the best.
So, I know I've been getting short, but I'm so aggravated with people always trying to take away the one thing I am proud of.
And I know they can't take it away, but I mean it like its the one thing people look to me and say I do well at. So when people constantly try and upstage me or take away that tiny molecule of attention I get from it I get so mad. I mean, really can I please just be the best at it?
just...I'm sorry. I would just like for once, for these few people, to allow me to be the best.
I never try to upstage them at what they are best at. :/ sorry for the rant"

It's harsh. I get that now. But at the time I was really upset at these people because they are the same people who are always trying to take away attention from everyone. They want, need, to be the center of attention.

Well apparently J thought this was solely about her. So we tried to talk about it some time later, I found out through her cousin (K) that she was mad at me. Well we tried to talk, I apologized telling her that I didn't mean to insult her by it, I was just upset and needed to vent ect.ect. But I couldn't help but feel like she made every single moment of that conversation about her.

I would admit that I did something to hurt her, apologize (I mean seriously apologize) and she'd thank me. Then I'd tell her something that she did to hurt me and she would be like "sorry, but what you did hurt me SOOO BAD!" (I'm not really exaggerating much here It was literally "I'm sorry" about two seconds later "But that really hurt me you know?"

It really felt like the whole conversation was "Feel bad for J! Feel bad for me, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, my world is falling apart!! Me Me Me....I I I." -That is a quote from her cousin who read the conversation trying to help me understand what happened (because at the end of it I really felt like she made me a villain and I was confused.)

One thing that really upset me in this conversation was that I admitted to her directly that I had anxiety. (Something I hadn't told her before, because I wasn't sure it was serious and I thought it was just mood swings) She blew over it, she also blew over the fact that I was really hurt and crying, but she didn't say one single word about any of it and went straight onto the "this hurt me." shpeel.

I may sound petty, like I just want attention, but I was really upset that someone who claimed to be my best friend couldn't take five seconds to stop complaining and realize that I was serious, I have bad anxiety and sometimes that makes my emotions go a little haywire which would explain, maybe, why I was so upset that day I posted those tweets. (I'm not saying its an excuse, just an explanation)

This has been going on since Christmas, which she claimed I completely ruined with my tweets...., we have barely spoken. I've tried inviting her out to things, like my birthday party. Well that was a flop, she did her graduation party the same night....and I wasn't invited. I found out through a friend who went to both parties. :/
I sent her a postcard, from postcards on the run, with a simple sweet message. My aunt suggested that it might help 're-establish the lines of communication.' But I'm really upset because her birthday is on Tuesday and I have no idea what I should do.

Really I just want some advice, an outsider's point of view.
Sorry if it's to long.....

[Leed]

Let me put it plain and simple -- She's a spoiled little brat. She seems shallow and selfish, and acts like a ten year old.

Too harsh? That's how I see it. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but you deserve a better "friend' than that. Tell her to grow up and find a better friend. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee.

[Sojourn]

Hey Lalatin,

Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear that you're under so much stress at the moment.

From what you posted it sounds like you have a really good friendship there that has lasted for quite a while. That's something to cherish and protect because lasting friendships aren't usually easy to come by. They take time and effort as I'm sure you already know.

I think the real problem here is what causes most problems in relationships: communcation. Most of the time that is what it all really boils down to. Please hear me out.

You started to see a trend where people were trying to upstage other people and it became more and more annoying to you. Are you sure that is what was really happening? If you are all friends that doesn't sound like something real friends would want to do to each other. Did you ever express your viewpoint with any of your friends to get clarification as to what their motivation was? It's better to talk things out right from the start and get an understanding and even let them know that the things they were saying or doing could be misintepreted. Just be honest and let them know what you think it might look like. They can then either confirm or deny it. If they lie about it then what kind of friends are they really?

You do write well. Your post had a good flow and provided relevant details. It's good that you have confidence in your writing skills too. It's important to have self-esteem. The question is, what was really going on with your best friend? Why would she suddenly want to steal the spotlight from your talents? Is that what was really going on? It's possible she just admires you and is maybe a little envious and wanted to get some of the attention you get. It could even be she wanted your approval so she can share some of the self-esteem you have. I doubt she meant to hurt you in any way purposely and probably wasn't even aware that it was upsetting you so much. Again, just talk to her from the start. Let her know how you are feeling. You're best friends so that should be easy to do. The problems get bigger and bigger when we internalize things and form opinions when we don't make the effort to confirm what is really happening.

When you both talked later and couldn't get through to each other, well, that is pretty normal. Again, it's a matter of working on your communication with each other. As friends, you want to listen to each other, allow each other to express what you need to say and listen patiently. If she can't do that then just start by setting the example. I understand that you are dealing with anxiety. I get anxiety too and I know how that can agitate and distract. Try to keep in mind tho that you are friends and that's what is most important. Forget the rest of the world for a moment and just protect the things that really count - like best friends.

There seems to be some animosity going on right now, some lingering hard feelings. Again, just have an honest talk with her. Lay it all out but not in a way that attacks her. Just calmly state how you view things and make it clear that you want to fix the problems in a way that works for both of you. Ask her what she thinks the solution is and go from there.

As an outsider, that is the advice I can give you: honest, non-confrontational communication with a goal of repairing the relationship and improving things for the future. GL and hope this helps.