[fotinisophie]

Hi there. I must be desperate to post my inner-most problems and emotions but I desperately need some help or support. First of all, I know that there is something terribly wrong with me as I have never had a relationship with a man in my life that has lasted more than a little while nor one that was not purely sexual in nature. I am caught in a cycle, it seems, of me selecting to be with the wrong type of guy who only wants sex from me and never can develop the relationship further. And it gets worse: even in those kinds of "relationships" I am always feeling insecure - that they are not interested in me obviously as a person but only as a sexual object and that they have a real wife or girlfriend that they have a relationship with and that I am not good enough to have a real relationship with - just to sleep with. My insecurity comes out in different ways: one way is to actually find out a lot of information about them, perhaps break into their email or voicemail (which is easily done and I have done this at least 10 times) just so that I can find that female's message and when I do I usually break off the relationship in a mean way so that he will never ever want to be with me again. What I mean by "mean way" is that I make him hate me. I change his voicemail or email passcode so he has no access to it and delete his voicemail messages. Then, crank call him (and his family members) (and this is the scariest part - I feel I have to extend it to his family). Then, when they have had enough, and they hate me as much as I end up hating them and myself, I stop. I forget for a while, then it starts up all over again. And I also haven't been able to keep interest in any job for any period of time - one to two years tops. Then I move on to the next - I dont have friends and I have alienated everyone around me, including my relatives. People tell me I am attractive on the outside, but I know deep down inside that I am the most unattractive, destructive and sick person I know. I know there is a word for this disorder (probably neurotic, psychopathic, stalker, obsessive compulsive). I am compelled to do the same cycle over and over and over again and I feel like I cannot stop myself although my mind is telling me that I shouldnt do such things but I am compelled to do them. I have tried numerous times to speak to my doctor about these things but just can't tell them the full story - I have seen a psychiatrist and I wasnt comfortable with them - she was plain cold and chain smoked in my presence. I don't think there is help for me and that I am doomed to insanity.

I'm so sorry that you are having problems in relationships. I want you to know that there is hope for you! I too have problems in relationships rooted from the past. I feel like graduaally I am healing. You can too. First, I would say to start forming a small grop of people who can support you. I hope you will think about looking for another therapist. Maybe start with a license therapist or psychologist and then you can talk about your desire to get on meds (which often means going to a psychiatrist ).
Regardless, I want you to know that you that you can get better and have healthy relationships