[IowaFarmGal]

Is it selfish to want to be noticed and included. I always end up feeling like an outsider. Maybe I just expect too much or want too much attention. I get very tired of trying to be a person.

Iowa I dont think so at all. I think it is human. Perhaps you arent surrounding yourself with like-minded people. Doing activities that you really enjoy and therefore you dont feeling comfortable and connected. What types of a things do you do enjoy? Perhaps you are with the wrong group of people (if you are uncomfortable) People can sense discomfort too so it can make things feel awkward.

For instance, I am totally uncomfortable around large groups of people. If a group was going to a rock concert i would have to decline. If the same group wanted to go for happy hour after work, i would have to decline. It isnt that i dont want to be with them but i would rather go home and be with my cat and feel safe than make everyone feel uncomfortable while i was try to force myself to fit in.

In my healing I am learning it is ok to do things for myself and to honor my comfort zone. When i am comfortable those around me are comfortable

[shezbut]

(((((IowaFarmGal)))))

NO, it is not selfish or wrong to want to be acknowledged. To be included in planning and decision-making, it is NOT wrong.

You should be involved in these things if you are on the same level as others. For instance, things are different at work than at home. We typically have a lot more say at home than we do on the job. But, we do have some say.

The trick is getting yourself to swallow and (fake some self-confidence) speak up. Try to word things carefully, so no one is offended, but tell others what you would like to see happen.

Very best wishes to you!

[IowaFarmGal]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Iowa I dont think so at all. I think it is human. Perhaps you arent surrounding yourself with like-minded people. Doing activities that you really enjoy and therefore you dont feeling comfortable and connected. What types of a things do you do enjoy? Perhaps you are with the wrong group of people (if you are uncomfortable) People can sense discomfort too so it can make things feel awkward.

For instance, I am totally uncomfortable around large groups of people. If a group was going to a rock concert i would have to decline. If the same group wanted to go for happy hour after work, i would have to decline. It isnt that i dont want to be with them but i would rather go home and be with my cat and feel safe than make everyone feel uncomfortable while i was try to force myself to fit in.

In my healing I am learning it is ok to do things for myself and to honor my comfort zone. When i am comfortable those around me are comfortable

Thank you for responding Rose! I'm sorry to say I have no real world connections other than therapy and work. It's all online support groups. At home I have a son that barely speaks and stays in his room and a Mom who talks to me but makes less sense as the days go by. At least Mom is no longer critical of me as she was when I was growing up. At this point I have no idea what I might enjoy. I used to like music and art. I don't like large groups and noise, but the senior center is pretty quiet and the cooks I work with are nice. They do include me in the breaks and talking about stuff, but it's part time and temporary. The online people actually have lives that keep them busy and so they aren't always there. Sometimes nobody responds to my posts, which shouldn't be a big deal but it's all I have. I am very uncomfortable in groups if I don't have a task to do, an excuse to be there. I do have pets that I enjoy sometimes when they aren't being annoying and destructive. I do look for the other people that have no reply and try to answer, sometimes it's pretty clear why no one else answered but I try to reply anyway. Sometimes it's welcome and I hope you find the help you need here, (OMG please don't kill me). I try not to be selfish, I do answer other peoples posts.

[IowaFarmGal]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((((IowaFarmGal)))))

NO, it is not selfish or wrong to want to be acknowledged. To be included in planning and decision-making, it is NOT wrong.

You should be involved in these things if you are on the same level as others. For instance, things are different at work than at home. We typically have a lot more say at home than we do on the job. But, we do have some say.

The trick is getting yourself to swallow and (fake some self-confidence) speak up. Try to word things carefully, so no one is offended, but tell others what you would like to see happen.

Very best wishes to you!

Thank you for responding Shez! I like where I work for the most part. Unfortunately it is just a temporary placement. I have difficulty planning and making decisions. I don't have much say at home because my family members are not people you can reason with or have much influence over. If I do convince Mom of something she will forget shortly and I'll have to start all over. I do appreciate that you replied. My only real world contacts are therapy and work and grocery shopping.

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Thank you for responding Rose! I'm sorry to say I have no real world connections other than therapy and work. It's all online support groups. At home I have a son that barely speaks and stays in his room and a Mom who talks to me but makes less sense as the days go by. At least Mom is no longer critical of me as she was when I was growing up. At this point I have no idea what I might enjoy. I used to like music and art. I don't like large groups and noise, but the senior center is pretty quiet and the cooks I work with are nice. They do include me in the breaks and talking about stuff, but it's part time and temporary. The online people actually have lives that keep them busy and so they aren't always there. Sometimes nobody responds to my posts, which shouldn't be a big deal but it's all I have. I am very uncomfortable in groups if I don't have a task to do, an excuse to be there. I do have pets that I enjoy sometimes when they aren't being annoying and destructive. I do look for the other people that have no reply and try to answer, sometimes it's pretty clear why no one else answered but I try to reply anyway. Sometimes it's welcome and I hope you find the help you need here, (OMG please don't kill me). I try not to be selfish, I do answer other peoples posts.

I feel as though I misread your post. And I "missed", so I wanted to write back.

I was making suggestions and trying to be supportive and helpful when I should have written something ... better (I read Shez' response and SO much better and supportive than mine. I am sorry). I wish I would have been more eloquant with my words.

I tried to write this morning but my Android was all weird and it took me forever to just type a couple of sentences so I gave up until I could get to my computer.

I have few REAL friends IRL. I have a FB page FULL of people that I've known my whole life but none of them know what I am struggling with right now. It's all happy happy happy on the Page.

I miss having friends, (and my fiance but that's another story). It's really hard to make them (at my age) and really uncomfortable. (I never thought I would be in this position...I feel as though I should be long married with two kids and doing activities with other couples and making play dates ... instead of being "cat lady" trying to relearn how to live life) (*NOT SAYING YOU ARE AT ALL. JUST ME and reality)

I have work and my T (who is no longer my T because she is moving on to a different practice; so I'll have a new T - hopefully soon - because I need it. I've been without for a couple of weeks ) and I feel comfortable (most of the time) with my colleagues, but they are either married, married with kids, engaged or wayyy younger, so I'm sort of odd-woman out. So not a lot of socializing.

As for my family, that's a big zero. I don't have them at all for social stuff.

What I am really trying to say is no it's not selfish at all! I can totally relate to what you are writing.

(Maybe it's a good thing that we are relating because it means we might be ready for a next step! Friend-making 101! )

Hugs to you.

[IowaFarmGal]

Rose I liked your post! Please don't think it wasn't good enough! How were you meant to know? I didn't give very much information in my first post! You both responded in such a way that drew out more information. This is a good thing!

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Rose I liked your post! Please don't think it wasn't good enough! How were you meant to know? I didn't give very much information in my first post! You both responded in such a way that drew out more information. This is a good thing!

Hi ((((Iowa)))) Thanks for your nice note. I felt as if my writing didn't really reflect support as much as a "how to" and THAT was completely unsolicited. Anyway, I am so glad if I could help even just a teeny bit.
Hugs to you
Rose