[Nat92]

Hey all,
It's been quite some time since I've been here and oh well, I've progressed quite since I last wrote.

I'll get right to it.

Back in September I started talking to this guy who lives 2-3hrs away from me and we decided to start dating. However, our relationship was difficult to maintain in the beginning. He was busy studying and didn't have much time left for me and I was struggling with myself. Our relationship was on/off all the time and in December he had enough of me apparently and decided to break up. He wrote a long email in which he explained why he wanted to break up and literally told me to grow up.

However, I now know why he did it. This guy is what my mother (if she knew) would call bad news and she ban me from ever talking with him again if she knew, of course.

Deep down he's a really sweet and caring guy, he loves anime and horror movies, he loves cooking and we have a lot in common. He's not a bad person at all, though what he does is bad. He's a gang member and I know this hoists the red flags all around, but I've really thought the entire thing through countless of times.

Anyways, I contacted him 2 months after he broke up and he texted me back. We started talking again and in March we got back together. We talked on the phone and texted each other, talked on Skype etc and brought up the idea of meeting. However, I didn't feel comfortable enough and I certainly didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I was feeling really insecure about myself and my looks and I've never met up with anyone before.

The entire idea seemed crazy to me and with all that he had told me, I really didn't want to. I ran scared and broke up twice, leading up to the day of meeting. However, he reassured me and somewhere in my mind I knew that he would never harm me. He said all the right words to calm me and I melted every time he told me he loved me.

I want to make it clear, that no one has ever made me feel so warm and so safe like he did. I've never been able to talk to someone who actually understood how I felt and I've never shared as much as I did with him about myself.

I pulled myself together and took the train to his place and when I saw him, I melted. When I hugged him, I wish I never had to let go. He was everything I had imagined and I was so deeply in love. I spent a total of 4 days at his place and stayed up late to talk. He had promised me to tell me everything about himself and leave nothing behind.

So much for promises though. He was very reluctant about the sharing part and whenever I touched the subject of his "extra curricular activities" - he became this cold and distant person. I couldn't recognize his voice or the look on his face. As stated above, I knew what he was, but not what it meant. The gravity of the few things he told me was shocking. I remember asking him on the phone if I would be safe with him, he said yes. The truth was completely different though.

He told me that he had lied to me to get me to visit, because he knew I would never see him if he had been truthful about my safety. I pretended to be understanding, but fear was slowly taking control of me again. I could ONLY stay for 3-4 days, because if I stayed longer, there would be no telling what could happen to me. 3-4 days, for the rest of my life.

-
I'll make this last part short.

I went home with mixed feelings. Everything was chaos inside me and I didn't know what to think. I was sad about leaving, because aside from the bad things, we had a really good time. I felt relieved because I didn't have to worry about getting hurt and I still felt so in love. A small part of me wished that I never had to see him again.

I'm aware of the damage this guy can cause me and my family, but I've never felt so sure of that he's the right one. I could talk with him about anything and he'd understand. I've never felt so home, so alive, so happy. Maybe love has blinded me and killed my sense of what's right and wrong, but this guy, he's one of a kind.

But there's so many things that worries and scares the living hell out of me, so many things that makes it almost impossible to be with him. My future, my safety, my family. It's chaotic right now.

A few days after I came back home, I broke up with him again and in that moment, I felt like it was the right thing to do. He was leaving for a holiday with his family and we had a long discussion of why I wanted to do it. He was unwilling to understand my choice. Of course, he was upset and hurt - but I didn't know what else to do.

I regret my decision now and I've left several messages of how sorry I was for breaking it off. I haven't heard from him though.

Now I'm left just as empty as I was before I met him, I can't get my mind off him and I feel so lost. Everything is still chaotic and I honestly have no clue what to do.

Any advise? Wisdom? Words to live by? If you've made it this far, I'd LOVE to hear what you think I should do. I know it's up to me, but I need guidance.

Thank you in advance,
oh and sorry about the novel.

((((Nat))))I am sorry you are hurting. The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes it gets in the way of logical, rational thinking. No matter who the person.

That said, I am quite sure the man you are referring to is not bad. In fact, he is probably quite charming...however, when you look at the entire picture, this man has given you every reason to stay away. Please listen to reason and look at the reality of it and focus on that. Your safety, your health come first. Putting you and your family in danger, serious danger, is the reality.

This isn’t a movie or just words on paper. It is a reality you do not want to get involved with. Trust me.

I know you care very much for him but have you considered the fact that he is not contacting you to protect you? To me, that is the most loving thing he can do for you.

I am speaking from experience. Two of my sisters got caught up in the same situation...yes, there is a group/strong family element to it. But once they got involved with that element, they were stuck. What followed was horrible. And tragic. A lot of death, illegal activities, drugs, war, retaliation, prison, children born into the world without fathers, run ins with the police, poverty and misery. Constant heartache.

And it bleeds over into family members’ lives putting them in danger and setting them up for misery.

I would really urge you to re-examine your motivation for wanting to continue with this person when it is guaranteed that you will suffer and have regret and see and experience things you will pray you never got involved in...even simply by association. After what I have seen and experienced I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Innocent people could die because of your choices.

I know what I say is probably hard to take in, but trust me...stay away. Live your life without making a conscious decision setting yourself up for serious danger.

Also please think of your family and future children...

Maybe he will be lucky enough to leave that part of his life behind and come back to you when it is safe and healthy. Until then, grieve and mourn the loss of someone you loved and for the relationship that has ended. Honor yourself and your heart.

I hope you will take this to heart. I would hate to see another lovely person set themself -and their family- up for what you want to sign up for.
Be strong.
Hugs
Rose

Ps my heart breaks for my nephews and nieces that will never have a real chance at a safe life because of my sisters’ decisions. They are all under 16 and have already experienced many losses. I do not see them either. I had to get away for fear of my sisters’ choices and the danger.

It is a loss of epic proportions for all of us.

I'm wondering why a man who supposedly loves you would lie to you to get you to spend 3 hours on a train alone traveling to a place which you have told him repeatedly that you feel unsafe and uncomfortable being in? Why couldn't he visit you in a place that you felt safe? It seems that he might want you to be one of the 'tough girls' he probably hangs out with in his neighborhood. That might be why he'd tell you to grow up. That's a manipulation tactic to get you to do what he wants. He should not give you any trouble at all if you are simply following your instincts about your personal safety. Ask yourself why he has no regard for your well being. From the way you described it, you felt like you could only stay 3 days because otherwise your life would be in danger. What a way to live! This isn't a movie as Rose described. You could actually be murdered or raped. How did you get to his house? Walk from the train? Catch a cab? He lives there, and his surroundings have become common to him. You are the outsider. People in his neighborhood have nothing better to do, but watch for outsiders like you. If someone would want to get back at him for some reason, they could come after you. You don't play with fire, and expect not to get burned. You are like an innocent lamb wandering into the wolf's den.
Please don't lie to yourself anymore. I really don't think he loves you the way that you'd hoped. Anyone who could follow through with what you have to do to become a member of a gang is a BAD person. I don't understand why people say things like, "Deep down he is a good person," or "He has a good heart." Who doesn't have a good heart? Who isn't a good person, then? I think the total accumulation of your actions are what what makes you a good or a bad person. If you mostly do bad things, you're bad. Good things, then you're goodhearted. Of course, someone could change from being bad to being good, but how likely is that with this guy? He won't change for you if he can't even make your safety a priority. In other words, you are making excuses for him. Btw, he is lying to you when he tells you that you are safe with him. He is not immortal, but he thinks he is. Leading that type of life, you are NEVER safe.
I still can feel your sadness though. I wonder if you are starving for love like many of us are. Even if you did pursue this relationship, you'd end up right back where you started with a much heavier heart. I can almost guarantee it. Run and never look back. This is not lost love because it's not real love. True love is when someone thinks of your happiness and well being before they think of theirs.

((((Aquar)))) well said. And definitely some very valid points.
As I wrote before, I don't wish this life on anyone. The reality of it is terrifying and devastating.